Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams’ Blogging Adventure

Human Extinction

2011-09-05T19:44:00.001-04:00

Listening to the song “Natural Disaster” by Joel Plaskett has me thinking deep thoughts today.

Unicorns are immortal, so we have seen a lot of emergencies and life-threatening situations over the millennia. Back before the days of cable and during the Dark Ages when we were banned from the theatre (which was not my fault so don’t let the ghosts of Messers Shakespeare and Marlowe tell you it was!), one of our favourite past-times was watching humans run around trying to handle emergencies. In the past, we started betting pools and pointed and laughed.

Example of a bracket from a betting pool (click to enlarge of course):

One unicorn in particular was quite invaluable in this game for his Microsoft Excel skills. (Hint: Yours Truly!!!)

However, since then I have seen the error of my ways. Why bet on humanity's death when we can use our knowledge, accumulated over millennia, to *help* humanity?

Imagine how much I will "clean up" (to use betting parlance) if I bet on the greatest long shot of them all...that humanity DOES NOT DIE????

And so I have decided to begin a new series of blog posts. A Unicorn's Guide to the Survival of Humanity. Each post will detail the various ways humans might survive a natural disaster, a pandemic, a war, and/or an outside invasion!!!

To humans reading this blog, please feel free to leave a comment: Is there a particular source of extinction that terrifies you? Would you like more tips on which foods to pack during a tsunami, or how to best kill a robot?

MIT = Unicorn Poachers??

2011-08-15T12:09:00.000-04:00

Eeek! Unicorns in Massachusetts, be wary! According to MIT News, researchers have "invented" a new drug that could cure any virus:

In a development that could transform how viral infections are treated, a team of researchers at MIT’s Lincoln Laboratory has designed a drug that can identify cells that have been infected by any type of virus, then kill those cells to terminate the infection.

It goes without saying that this new drug must be unicorn blood. But from where (whom??) are they getting their blood??

I have not seen any advertisements for volunteers or paid participants in any of the underground unicorn 'zines, which means either they have a unicorn on their research team (very possible, we are extremely intelligent creatures) or they are taking unicorn blood by force!!!

Sci-fi Ponderings

2011-07-10T21:48:00.001-04:00

Although I am not a "nerd" I do enjoy some science fiction television on occasion. Star Trek: The Next Generation is one of my favourites, because it shows us Mister Roddenbury's ideal world full of peace, harmony, and cooperation!! Also, Deanna Troi is quite attractive to look at.

However, I am always left with one lingering question:

When the various members of the Enterprise-D set up their favourite simulations on the Holodeck, they can bring to life beautiful landscapes and sunsets, attractive women, the Wild West, and even Stephen Hawking!!

So why are there no unicorns on the Holodeck?

I can only imagine that any human, when told "This place can create anything you desire" would automatically leap to the thought: "Finally, I shall ride a unicorn!!" (We are extremely attractive creatures, you see.)

But yet there are no unicorns on the Holodeck. A mystery for the ages! (Also, when a male crew member has sexual intercourse with one of the Holodeck's fake women, where does all of the ejaculated semen go after the holograms vanish? The Holodeck is clearly a mysterious place!!!)

A new season of The Bachelorette (Spoilers!)

2011-06-04T07:23:00.000-04:00

Wowwweeee am I excited about this season of The Bachelorette!! Not only is there a bad boy (my heart is a pitter-patter for Bentley!) but there is also a mysterious man in a mask!!!!

I hope Bachelorette Ashley chooses both of them...because how could you even decide??? However, I do feel that our Caped Crusader Jeff has not fully embraced the potential of his mask.

First of all, the mask is so plain! Why would he not design a mask that reflected the romance clearly innate to his soul?

Second of all, photographic evidence on the internet shows that he is a perfectly handsome man. This will be such a disappointment when he finally reveals his face, unless there is some secret scarring he developed between the previous photos and the time of the show? A disfigurement (preferably the sexy kind) would go a long way toward winning the sympathies of Ashley and the audience.

Here is how I would, personally, redesign Jeff so that he would be guaranteed to win.

The Mask: Original Version. Sexy and mysterious, but so dark...it shows nothing of his personality!

The Mask: ShimmerShine's Version: Sexy and mysterious, and full of romantic elements. How could Ashley resist???

Jeff's Actual Face: Original Version. Very handsome but such a let-down when the audience has spent so much time imagining his scars!

Jeff's Actual Face: ShimmerShine's Version. Here, Jeff has a serious disfigurement that will win the hearts of the audience and Ashley. A man who has overcome adversity is the best kind of partner, for he is strong and caring! If Jeff were lacking a human eye but instead had the eye of a parrot, this would make him even sexier!

Eeeee, I am swooning over Parrot Jeff right now as I type this. I would take him into the Fantasy Suite, if you know what I mean!!

Facial hair for sexy musicians

2011-05-30T21:21:00.000-04:00

O my, last Tuesday I attended a "secret show" at The Garrison in Toronto performed by musician Matt Nathanson.

(How did I get invited to a secret show, you ask? Hee hee hee, obviously you have not been reading this blog for long, my new friend. I am a unicorn! We are invited to all of the best parties.)

I was very excited to attend because not only do I love his music and hilarious banter, I also find Mister Nathanson to be extremely sexy!! However, I had no idea just how sexy he could get. Recently, he has grown facial hair. You can see the improvement in the following photographs:

I am sure this will be a new trend amongst singer-songwriter types. Their music is so tender and their feelings so raw that they can often be seen as not quite manly enough. This is why I propose that all musicians grow facial hair, a la Mister Nathanson!!!

Of course, as your friendly neighbourhood unicorn music critic, I am here to help. I have begun the process by suggesting new looks for some of my favourite sexy musicians, to make them even sexier. What do they need...a full beard? A soul patch? Some sideburns or chest hair??? Check out the photos below to find out!!!!

David Bowie as Ziggy Stardust was a little too androgynous...how about a beard??

Folksinger Basia Bulat loves her new goatee!!

Tim Baker from Hey Rosetta! looks dashing in a curly moustache!

Sarah Slean...now with a soul patch, sideburns, and extra-manly chest hair!!!

To the musicians reading this, please feel free to grow your own facial hair using my examples. It is not plagiarism, I am simply your muse!!!

Update: F*CK YEAH NOUNS - AND ANOTHER UPDATE EVEN IN THIS SAME POST

2011-05-09T23:00:00.001-04:00

Well, my delightful and intelligent human friend Heather has provided me with an update!!

So it seems that the unfortunately-named website does recognize unicorns after all, and I believe that imagery is from one of my favourite films, the Rankin & Bass 1980 animated feature, The Last Unicorn!!

I will now award F*CK YEAH NOUNS 5 stars for beautiful unicorn pictures, and then negative 5 1/2 stars for defiling unicorns with profanity. So that is NEGATIVE 1/2 STAR for this website!

ANOTHER UPDATE just came in from blogger friend Michelle in the comments, they have not only defiled unicorns but also a personal photograph of Yours Truly with a fair maiden!!!!!!!!

New review: NEGATIVE A GOOGOLPLEX STARS!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS SO MANY NEGATIVE STARS I CANNOT EVEN EXPLAIN HOW UPSET I AM ABOUT THIS!!!!!

Website Review: F*CK YEAH NOUNS

2011-05-09T22:36:00.000-04:00

I am starting a new feature on this blog!!! It is called Website Reviews, in which I pick a website and I review it.

My first website comes from the excellent blog (which I should also review) from my blogger human friend Michelle. Unfortunately, the website itself was not as excellent.

Website Review:

F*CK Yeah Nouns

ZERO STARS

This website is terrible!! The entire purpose of the site seems to be to place profanity over an endearing image such as a Newfoundland dog puppy or a pair of freshly-ironed pants.

Why would we want to profane these things??? Both are soft and wonderful.

Also, to add insult to insult, it does not even recognize the word UNICORN! I can only assume that unicorns are so pure that even our name breaks profanity and makes it impossible to use when referring to us.

I voted, did you??

2011-05-02T21:10:00.000-04:00

O my everyone I adore democracy!!! On Saturday I dressed up in my most beautiful red evening gown and went to Victoria Park for Rick Mercer's vote mob where I even met Rick. He told me with a wink that I was the most dashingly dressed Canadian in the park, and I admit I blushed a tiny bit, he is so handsome in person!!!

Today of course I voted. I dressed in my red evening gown again and pranced my way down to my polling station and proudly showed off my Health Card and other identification for the volunteers.

I spent a great deal of time deciding whom to vote for. I knew that while I respected all of the candidates running in my riding of London North Centre, I felt that none of them were perfect for the job. I had in mind my own candidate to "write in".

(If you are thinking Yours Truly, you are not correct -- politics is a dirty job and I am a very clean unicorn! Also, I am still pursuing my preferred career of a professional harpist/forensic investigator.)

However, it occurred to me that perhaps I should write in The Ghost of Osama Bin Laden. Why, you ask? He was a horrible person!! I know, of course, his policies of murder and terrorism go against my own politics, but how exciting would it be to have a GHOST as our next Prime Minister??

Fortunately, my common sense prevailed and I wrote in my favourite candidate(s). They will be our first team of Prime Ministers ever!! Can you guess who I mean?? If not, don't worry, I took a photograph of my ballot and have posted it below:

Royal Wedding Liveblog!

2011-04-29T06:05:00.021-04:00

O my, everyone, here I am in beautiful London England liveblogging the Royal Wedding!

I have managed to sneak a tiny iPad into the service and hopefully no one will catch me at it, or if they do, they will think "What an eccentric unicorn! We should leave him me, since he's a unicorn and a prince, he must know what he's doing."

I also have a webcam sneaklily hidden in my iPad and so I will show you photos of the scene as it happens. Eeee check out the Royal Carriage arriving and the crowd!!

Why did I not sign up to replace the horses pulling it? That would have been so majestic, I cannot believe I did not think of this.

We have been fortunate so far and there has not been too much rain. The people-watching is amazing, everyone all done up in their finery with beautiful hats and fascinators. O, I bet you would love to see my own fascinator choice. I went for PINK:

What a beautiful cathedral, I would not mind throwing a dinner party here one day. (Is that allowed? It's not sacrilegious if I am a unicorn right???)

Eeeeee my first peek at Kate's dress, she is lovely! What a gorgeous tiara. I hope that afterward we become good friends and she lets me wear it.

William and Harry look so dashing in their uniforms. Red is such a beautiful colour, symbolizing royalty as well as love and passion. I almost wish I had decided to wear red myself. I also adore William's dignified balding patches -- he could choose to wear a toupee but has chosen to embrace his own mortality and that makes me respect him all the more.

Eeeee did you see did you see? The camera just panned past Yours Truly! I am a little difficult to spot because I my fascinator hides my horn but I am right behind my friend Sir Elton John. I do not know the words to this song so I am singing quietly and letting him overpower my own gorgeous voice for now.

DEARLY BELOVED! One of my favourite phrases of all time. O my oh my I cannot stop dancing, I hope my clippity clopping hooves do not distract the couple but I cannot stop!

Speeeeeches, boring boring boring. I hope they play the organ again very soon. I wish they had chosen to go with the "Mawiage" speech from The Princess Bride. Hee hee, "For richer or for poorer" they definitely do have to worry about the last one.

I do!!! She said it! Are they married? I cannot tell what is going on I am too excited for words. This is SO ROMANTIC I think I just peed myself a tiny bit. My urine is the exact colour of the Queen's dress so hopefully it will blend in.

There is so much singing, it is a good thing I am excellent at singing. I am not sure of the words to this hymn so I will sing Frère Jacques instead.

"In a sense every wedding is a Royal Wedding, with the bride and groom as king and queen" -- this makes no sense, clearly not every wedding is a Royal Wedding because most are much smaller with much less interesting people and clothing. What a silly thing to say, Mister Priest! Prince William looks a bit bored, hee hee hee.

O my even the cameraman is bored about the religious lecture and is showing us the beautiful stained glass instead.

Kate's train is so long, I am tempted to pull out a crayon and doodle on it, hee hee hee. But I won't! I am the epitome of a polite guest.

O, they are standing again, this must be exhausting. Stand sit stand sit stand sit! I would love a choirboy uniform for myself, they are very dashing. As is Prince Harry. I would not mind a Royal Wedding of my own with him! O I wonder how that would work since we are both princes. Have two princes ever married each other? Would we be Princes Squared afterward?

Wait wait wait what is going on? HUSBAND AND WIIIIIIIFE O my it has finally happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am wiping away tears, it is so romantic. Choir trumpets violins trombones more trumpets some drums even. I sure wish I knew the words to this one. I think I am developing bedsores from sitting here, I should have brought my pillow to sit on.

O my they are headed outside, I am trotting after them to see the crowd's reaction. Everyone is so happy!!!!

Oooh some white horses attached to the carriage. Perhaps I can swap myself out for one of them right now?? But then I will be busy pulling their carriage and not be able to continue to liveblog for you...this is a very difficult decision. Okay, I am going to do it!!!

Thank you for reading along everyone and I hope you enjoyed the most romantic event of the Millennium!!!!!!!!!!!!

Royal Wedding Countdown: Abortion Advice for Kate (Just in Case!)

2011-04-28T19:25:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I provided some advice for Prince William for his wedding night! Of course, I know that many couples, even Royal ones, prefer to test out their "movements" in the bedroom before the Big Night. It's possible that William and his Kate have done this as well. (I have not asked them personally, because that would be intrusive!)

One major pitfall of premarital intercourse is that it may produce unwanted children. (On the "flip side", one major advantage of premarital intercourse is that it is quite enjoyable!)

As my loyal readers know, I recently converted to feminism and regularly read feminist blogs like Jezebel. Recently, Jezebel published the helpful article: The Girl's Guide To Having An Abortion. It explains types of abortions, how to get them, and how they work! This is a wonderful idea.

However, this may not work for Kate. Since she and William are in the public eye, she may not wish to get an abortion at her physician's office or at a clinic. It could be potentially embarrassing and cause quite the scandal!!

And so it occurs to me that unicorns are known for our interest in virgins, but there are so many sides to our species. We can also be helpful to people who *wish* they were virgins because they accidentally got pregnant. Unicorns are also extremely crafty (I make frequent use of my Bedazzler, for example) and fans of the "Do-it-yourself" movement. When we combine those two areas of expertise, I have the perfect option for Kate: the DIY Abortion!

The Unicorn's Guide for a Royal DIY Abortion

As a unicorn prince, crafter, and feminist, I highly recommend the following four methods for a DIY abortion.

1. 1. Wire hangers. This method is simple. All Kate needs to do is straighten the hanger, point it up her cervix and into her uterus, and poke until she feels something dislodge.

2. 2. Eat a lot of parsley! Parsley can cause a miscarriage. Plus, it is delicious. Kate can bake it into brownies much like one might with marijuana. She can also add it to soups, salads, and ice cream.

3. 3. Throw yourself down stairs repeatedly. For maximum effect, choose concrete stairs rather than carpeted. If it gets boring and painful, Kate can make it a game! She might pretend she is Natalie Portman from Black Swan leaping gracefully, or use a plastic "magic carpet" as though she is on a snowhill.

4. 4. Go back in time. So she does not get pregnant in the first place! This method is probably the simplest, but also the trickiest, because it requires the ability to fly extremely fast three times backward around the planet Earth. I am not certain if Kate has these powers but I would not be surprise if she did. Her hair glows with a magical sheen to it.

Of course, Kate should not feel limited to these four methods alone. The best part about DIY is that she can add her own touches to personalize her abortion. Best of luck, Kate, and I hope to see you with a healthy Royal baby in 9 months -- but no sooner. Your secret is safe with me!!!

Royal Wedding Countdown: Wedding Night Advice for Prince William

2011-04-27T18:55:00.000-04:00

The wedding night is approaching for William and Kate...how exciting!!! Of course, this night can set the tone for the rest of the marriage. It is thus very important that Prince William get his performance exactly correct. I thus offer him some helpful tips below:

Wedding Night Tips for Prince William

(I am speaking specifically of sexual intercourse)

Cover your manly parts with sparkles! As all women know, the Twilight series is extremely popular right now and Edward the vampire is possibly one of the sexiest heroes ever written about. One of the things that makes him so sexy is his ability to SPARKLE in the sunshine! William can get that effect as well, even without the sunshine, thanks to some sparkles and Elmer's glue.

This requires a bit of preparation, of course, since the glue takes anywhere from a few minutes to 8 hours to dry. I would recommend that William cover his private parts with glue and sparkles the morning of the wedding, so that he will be ready for his wedding night. Kate will be surprised and thrilled.

To take the Twilight theme even further, William might also dress up in a lion costume and buy Kate some sensual sheep's wool lingerie, so that they can quote the poetic lines from the first novel:

“‘And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…,’ he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word.
‘What a stupid lamb,’ I sighed.
‘What a sick, masochistic lion.’”

(Note the accompanying photograph to the right -- while it may be a bikini used for swimming, William can use it to easily picture Kate in her white sheep's wool bridal lingerie!)

Interview Kate's exes! One of the best ways to learn how to please a woman sexually is to find out what she liked from her exes. Of course, some jealous souls may not wish to share this information, but William can order them to as a Prince of England!

If Kate does not have any exes, William is not without hope. He can simply ask his younger brother, Prince Harry, for assistance. Prince Harry may make love to Kate the night before the wedding and secretly videotape the event for William. Then, William need only watch the tape and see what she likes.

Important note: William should NOT mix up this tape with the official BBC wedding broadcast the day of the wedding. While this might be interesting viewing for the public at home, it could potentially embarrass Kate if she has any moles or birth marks that she does not want the world to know about.

Do not call out the wrong name during sexual intercourse!! Right now, the media is very excited about comparing Kate to your mother, Princess Diana. In fact, it is easy to get the two confused -- in a bizarre coincidence, both have the same sapphire and diamond engagement ring!

So, if William is enjoying special times with your new wife, he must be careful not to look at the ring and yell the first name that comes to him in the middle of his passion. This could make Kate feel unloved.

In addition, both incest and necrophilia are discouraged in the human world, so it could be very embarrassing for all involved if the media is listening in and he is suspected of making love to his deceased mother.

I hope that all of these tips are helpful for William and Kate on their perfect wedding night. Tomorrow, you can read some advice for Kate on what to do if she accidentally gets "knocked up" before the wedding!!

Royal Wedding Countdown: My Favourite Souveniers

2011-04-26T17:57:00.000-04:00

The Royal Wedding is definitely something I will remember forever, as long as I do not hit my head and get amnesia again. Just in case, I have been scouring the local stores, Internet, and tabloids for the perfect souvenirs.

Here are my favourites, in case you want to collect some too:

	Of course, there is my Royal Wedding refrigerator from Glen Dimplex Home Appliances. I know I mentioned this yesterday but I am so excited I cannot help but show you again.
	Souvenir teabags are perfect if you want to drink tea and/or perform a puppet show. Also, if you have harboured a crush on Prince William for over a decade and are slightly jealous of Kate, you can accidentally drown her teabag in the tea!
	I have used the William and Kate notepads for the past month to jot notes when I think of new blog posts to share with you all!
	If you love the romance of Kate and William and ALSO Diana and Charles, you can have both in this beautiful picture frame! William and Kate, pre-marriage, classily walk arm in arm, and Diana and Charles show the passion that happens after the marriage, with a sensual massage.
	Royal Wedding sick bags from Lydia Leith are perfect for the aeroplane ride to London, England, or for just using around your house! I plan to watch part of the wedding from my bathtub so these will come in handy if I have to urinate.
	I have not, however, purchased any Royal Wedding condoms, because alas, they do not come in size XXXXXL to fit unicorns. "Like a Royal Wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion," cleverly notes the Crown Jewels Condoms website!
	And of course I have purchased the Kate doll for myself. I can braid her hair and braid my own tail the same way, so that we are wearing matching ribbons.

What are your favourite Royal Wedding souvenirs?

Royal Wedding Countdown: A Week of the Wedding!!!

2011-04-25T20:16:00.000-04:00

I have purchased a new refrigerator!!!!!!!!!! I know you probably don't think that is news if you are on a slow internet connection like dial-up but I assure you it is. Hee hee hee. Just wait a few more seconds!! Can you see it yet? Hee hee hee I don't want to spoil it for you but I assure you that when you see the photo you will clap with glee and be extremely jealous of a certain unicorn blogger.

(I believe it also makes ice cubes, but I have not tested this yet. Can you freeze champagne? If so, I will make champagne ice cubes to celebrate. I will not drink these because I prefer Mountain Dew to alcohol, but I will use them to cool down my bubble bath if it gets too hot.)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeee I am so excited for the Royal Wedding this Friday morning bright and early!! I plan to wake up at 3am to watch all of the preparations. I will move my television into the bedroom so I can watch from my waterbed...or perhaps I will move the waterbed into the TV room. Or perhaps watch from a bubble bath in the tub!! There are so many possibilities. O my. I do not wish to miss a moment so perhaps I should create a schedule.

Speaking of schedules, this post marks the beginning of a week of daily posting about the Royal Wedding, counting down to when I liveblog the wedding on Friday! There will be advice leading up to the wedding and then a weekend of thoughts following, since I know I will not be able to get all of my words out quickly enough as I watch the incredibly romantic event.

Posting Schedule for the week of April 25, 2011:

Monday, April 25: A Week of the Wedding: Me telling you about my schedule for the week (very "meta") and my new fridge!

Tuesday, April 26: My favourite Royal Wedding souvenirs. There are so many to choose from, so which ones have I selected for my own collection?

Wednesday, April 27: Advice for Prince William on his wedding night!!! How to please his beautiful new Princess with my sure-fire tips.

Thursday, April 28: Advice for Kate if she accidentally gets "knocked up" with child before the wedding! How should she handle it best?

Friday, April 29: Liveblogging the wedding in the wee hours of the morning

Saturday and Sunday, April 30 and May 1: To be determined...my reactions in the aftermath of the most romantic event of the 21st Century....

I hope you are all as delighted and trembling with anticipation as I am. What an amazing week to come! If anyone has ever died from romance, it would be me this week, except that I am immortal so I do not have to worry. (To my readers: Please stay safe! If you feel dizzy, lie down and/or dial 911 before thinking any more romantic thoughts!)

Royal Wedding Countown: Etiquette and Liveblogging Plans

2011-04-09T21:37:00.000-04:00

The Toronto Star has released an article about etiquette and the Royal Wedding. It lists what you should and should not do at the wedding.

I gleefully scanned it three times this morning to be certain I was correct, and I was...

While the article states that cell phones must be turned off, it does not mention laptop computers. It also requests no "Tweeting" or "Facebooking" of the event, but it does not mention blogging. Therefore, I am delighted to finally announce my plan to my readers:

I, Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams, will liveblog the Royal Wedding directly from the event itself!!!!!

Now, I must pick out the perfect fascinator for my mane...the more beautiful I look, the closer they will want me to stand to the Royal Couple, I am sure.

New ways to view the blog!!

2011-04-05T20:22:00.000-04:00

This week Blogger has introduced several new deliciously exciting ways to view my blog!!

You can go straight to unicornprince.com/views to take your pick of the views! They are also linked from the top of my regular blog page.

My personal favourites are Mosaic View, Flipcard View, and also all of the other views!!!

Here is a preview of the Snapshot View:

"Word among the streets" is that Blogger will be making more improvements to Dynamic View in the near future, so hopefully that means that soon I can add some rainbows to personalize the design. I adore the new views but somehow it does not feel like a proper blog without rainbows.

Royal Wedding Countdown: Lookalike!

2011-04-04T19:37:00.000-04:00

According to this article on a Royal Wedding website, lookalikes for Prince William are in high demand as the Royal Wedding approaches!!

While there are many Kate Middleton lookalikes available (though I imagine they must wear wigs, as no one but Kate herself, or a unicorn perhaps, could have hair as glorious), Prince William lookalikes are hard to find.

It is no wonder! Prince William lookalikes must present a stately, graceful charm, twinkling eyes, keen intelligence, and extreme handsomeness.

Does that remind you of anyone? Hee hee, here is a hint: perhaps the writer of one of your favourite blogs??

I know some of you might be skeptics, so behold. One of the photographs below is Prince William, and one is Prince ShimmerShine, but can you tell which??

Even I am not certain who is whom at this point!!

Of course, it is so obvious...why did I not think of this before?? I would make an excellent Prince William lookalike!! If I signed up, not only would I get to bask in the spotlight (not that I need the spotlight; for a unicorn I am especially modest) but I would also get to kiss a beautiful model who looks like Kate.

And of course, the pay is not bad:

Fees for Prince William lookalike appearances range from £300 a time, and are set to soar to £1,000 for dates closer to the Royal Wedding.

Eeeee I am so excited by my new plan that I cannot even do the mathematics (or "maths" as they say across the pond -- might as well get in character) in my head to convert that to Canadian dollars, but I am sure it is a lot. I would be rich!!

Since I do not need material goods the way humans do, I would donate the money to charity, of course. OR perhaps purchase for myself a diamond tiara. Or both!

In this post I confess a big secret...

2011-04-01T06:11:00.002-04:00

Guess what everyone??

I am not a unicorn at all. I am actually a horse with a prosthetic horn!!!!

[Scroll down for more information....]

[Keep scrolling]

Costco has plagiarized my ring!!

2011-03-30T23:28:00.001-04:00

Last week, I showed my readers my own special design for an engagement ring to rival Kate's. It included a beautiful 7 carat diamond in the shape of a heart. The diamond was extremely large and extremely sparkly.

An eagle-eyed reader sent me a tip today...Costco has plagiarized my ring!! The bulk warehouse chain Costco is offering a 6.77 carat diamond ring for only $1,000,000.00.

You can see "their" ring here, and below:

And for comparison, my ring:

At first, I thought "ShimmerShine, perhaps you are leaping to conclusions. It is graceful leaping, because you are a unicorn, but it is leaping nonetheless. Your ring is heart-shaped, and theirs is not."

"I know, I know," I said to myself, "But my ring is gigantic, and so is theirs!!!"

Costco has this to say about their rings:

Costco makes purchasing the highest quality diamonds easy by offering only the industry's highest quality diamonds at the lowest possible price. Our long-standing relationship with our suppliers guarantees we get the best selection at the best value. Costco's experienced buying team works with our suppliers evaluating and hand-selecting each diamond for its quality and brilliance. Our team of Graduate Gemologists then inspects every diamond to ensure it meets the strictest quality standards in the industry in cut, color, clarity, and craftsmanship. You can be confident your purchase is as special to us as it is to you.

Clearly, they are only able to offer the lowest possible price because THEY STEAL THEIR DESIGNS!!!

This saddens my very heart and soul because Costco was formerly my favourite place to purchase toilet paper. However, I hope that you will all join me in boycotting Costco over this incident, until they offer me a full apology, preferably accompanied by one of their delicious cakes with buttercream icing.

Royal Wedding Countdown: The Piano

2011-03-27T18:21:00.000-04:00

O my, I have found the perfect piano for the Royal Wedding!! As my gift to Kate and William, I am planning to perform the glass harmonica in a duet with Sir Elton John. As soon as Sir Elton returns my phone calls, I have no doubt he will approve my piano choice.

Gee, I sure hope he has $750,000?

I have selected the Bösendorfer Swarovski Crystal Grand Piano. Three of these pianos were designed in 2003 for Bösendorfer's 175th anniversary. Each piano's case is encrusted with 8,000 crystals and layers upon layers of gold!

We can even add Sir Elton's song "Crystal" to our medly, and "Don't Make My Brown Eyes Blue" (by Crystal Gayle, hee hee hee).

Of course the glasses in my glass harmonica must also be crystal to match the piano. I shall get started calling Swarovski immediately, and also perhaps give Sir Elton another call. I wonder if his cell battery has run out?

Royal Wedding Countdown: The Ring

2011-03-21T07:09:00.001-04:00

What would a wedding be without rings?? (Answer: Much less exciting!)

I am enthralled by Kate's beautiful sapphire ring. Now that she has made them extremely fashionable, many women across the world are now requesting sapphire rings for their own engagements.

However, I myself prefer a traditional diamond. They are so so so sparkly!!!!!

In fact, I am so excited for the Royal Wedding that I have designed my own engagement ring at bluenile.com. Here it is:

You may be thinking, "But Prince ShimmerShine, how will you wear a ring? You do not have fingers."

O, my silly silly readers, of course I will not wear A ring. I will wear 27 rings!! They will be braided in my mane and tail on strands of silver and gold ribbon. 27 is a perfect cube, so it will symbolize my perfect love. Sigh, how romantic!

Horses vs. Unicorns: Bodies

2011-03-17T21:13:00.000-04:00

One of my anonymous commenters asked, "How do horse frames differ from unicorn frames?"

Such an excellent question!!!

To me and to my romantic dates, the answer is obvious...but I know that many readers unfortunately do not have a lot of experience with unicorns. I have thus prepared the following diagrams comparing the differences between unicorn bodies and horse bodies!

Horses vs. Unicorns: Bodies

Royal Wedding Countdown: What is "Horsey"?

2011-03-15T23:22:00.000-04:00

Many tabloid journalists have referred to various members of the Royal Family as "horsey" or "horse-faced." A reader also recently asked me, "Some people say our future queen, Kate Middleton, has a horsey frame. What does that even mean?"

It is important to note that "horsey" or "horse-faced" are actually insults! They usually mean that someone has extremely large nostrils or smells like manure -- which of course does not apply to any of the members of the Royal Family, or future members of the family like Kate.

I would actually describe Kate's beauty as "unicorn-y."

Some of my particularly uncultured readers may not know the difference between a horsey face and a unicorn-y face. I have prepared some helpful diagrams to educate you and get you ready so that you will not commit a faux pas in describing the Royal Couple at your wedding parties. Click to view full-size!

Horses vs. Unicorns

Royal Wedding Countdown: 48 Days, 10 Hours, 56 Minutes

2011-03-11T20:03:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time in January 2011 (hee hee hee you thought this was going to be a long time ago, didn't you? O my I love to play with storytelling conventions) an anonymous reader wrote:

Dear Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams,

You post an awful lot about what it's like being a unicorn, but not a lot about what it's like being a prince.

On that note, what do you think of the Canadian monarchy?. Some people say our future queen, Kate Middleton, has a horsey frame. What does that even mean? If you were to give Prince William any advice for the wedding night, when he will consummate the royal marriage and take the Princess' maidenhood, what would you tell him?

These are all good questions, and I hope to answer them with full enthusiasm and insight, now that the Royal Wedding is less than two months away!! As royalty myself I am of course attending and Prince William called me himself, since the vendetta Canada Post seems to hold means that I may never see the actual invitation.

I am so excited! I am planning a splendid outfit to maximize my own dashing royal figure's handsomeness, and I hope to perform a beautiful piece on the glass harmonica for the couple.

I have written to Sir Elton John asking if he would like to accompany me on the piano and I am sure he will be very pleased. We will likely do a medley of his songs as well as play one of my favourite romantic Canadian songs for Kate's walk down the aisle: Possession by Sarah McLachlan:

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I’d wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

So romantic!!! I am almost shaking with anticipation as I type this and imagine William holding his love and wiping away her tears of joy on their wedding night.

In anticipation of this great event, you may notice that I have added a wedding ticker to the top of my blog site, counting down the days, hours and minutes to the Royal Wedding. I hope to share all of this with you, my readers...enjoy!!!

My disguises for this week's Hey Rosetta concerts!!!

2011-02-22T19:54:00.001-05:00

O my this is an exciting week...I am going to not one, but two Hey Rosetta! concerts!!! I am trembling with glee, it is quite difficult to type so please forgive this unicorn any spelling errors. Tonight I am going to Call the Office here in London and then Thursday I am cantering all the way to Toronto for a show at Lee's Palace!

Some of my regular readers may remember the difficulties I encountered the last time I saw my favourite East Coast band open for Sarah Harmer, at Massey Hall. The ushers threw me out because I was a unicorn!!! It was racial profiling at its worst. Fortunately, HR! frontman Tim Baker was incredibly kind enough to apologize in my blog comments and invite me to this month's show(s).

Now, I assume he informed security (and probably had them pick me some roses! I hope so, I do love roses, especially pink ones) but just in case, I am going to the concerts...in disguise!!!!

I am giving you a preview of my disguises. I have four so that I can change mid-concert if necessary. You will of course see them if you are at the shows, but here is a sneak peek:

	Pirate Arrrr, this pirate costume will appeal to the band because they live near the sea. They and their mateys will be so thrilled to look out into the audience and see a pirate in their midst that no one will recognize me as a unicorn!
	Ginger from Gilligan's Island This costume includes a wig, pearls, and false eyelashes, and it is very sultry. I am a little worried about being so sexually attractive that I distract the band from their playing, but of course, that might happen with any disguise. When you have natural charisma as I do, sometimes it cannot be helped.
	Ghost This costume was so simple, a pink sheet and a few holes cut and I was done! Although ghosts are traditionally white, I chose a pink sheet to minimize the chance I would appear to be a member of the KKK. I discovered this the hard way some years ago at a Stevie Wonder concert.
	Pegasus Hee hee hee these wings from my "Sexy Angel" Hallowe'en costume have been repurposed here to turn me into a Pegasus! What a clever costume...

Hee hee hee hee!!! No one will ever guess I am a unicorn in any of these costumes, it is impossible to tell.

O my, it's almost showtime, I must get dressed and practice my hoof claps. The audience always looks to us unicorns (even unicorns in disguise) for guidance on clapping, because we have perfect rhythm*.

*akin to perfect pitch, which unicorns also have! We are so musically talented, we even impress ourselves.

Re-naming "email"

2011-01-30T21:37:00.001-05:00

Today I was thinking:

"Email is such a boring name for such a wonderful form of communication! Think about it, you can send a message instantaneously to anyone in the world. You can insult them anonymously without fear of retribution, or you can send them Secret Admirer notes without ever revealing your identity! You can even send photographs of yourself without clothing as a cheeky greeting. We should really have a different name for email."

So I am proposing that we re-name email!

I have prepared a chart with my suggestions and with the reasons for these suggestions.

Suggested Name	Reasoning
Invisible Magic Travel Mail	This accurately describes how email works
Hedda Gabler Mail	This is my favourite character from an Ibsen play
Special Electronic Xchange	If you use an abbreviation this spells a dirty word! Hee hee hee!!
ShimmerShine Mail	Since I am the one proposing we re-name email it makes sense to name it after me

What do you think??? If you support one of these choices please comment and then use the term all over the internet until it becomes a new trend. O my, I am dancing in excitement...I do so love starting new trends!

What if The Hunger Games were real????

2011-01-24T05:59:00.000-05:00

from unicornprince.com:

O my I am a little wired right now because I just stayed up all night reading the Hunger Games trilogy!!!

In The Hunger Games, the future consists of a world where children from poor neighbourhoods are chosen by a lottery system to fight to the death...on television!!!! Our heroine Katniss Everdeen must go on TV and kill 23 other children to be crowned the winner.

For those of you who are not knowledgeable about science fiction, I can give you a quick primer: Many science fiction novels consist of dystopian futures or utopian futures. The authors answer the "What if?" question by saying "What if our world went horribly wrong in the future?" or "What if our world went wonderfully right in the future?"

Many reviewers of this trilogy made the silly mistake of assuming that The Hunger Games depicted a dystopian future. But I can tell you that this is very wrong. How do I know? Because fighting to death on national television WOULD BE AWESOME.

Only imagine if this existed today!

Imagine a beautiful, muscular, athletic specimen of a unicorn going on television and displaying his fighting prowess in front of the entire country.

Imagine sitting at home in front of your television and watching him demonstrate mastery of the crossbow, the tomahawk, the katana, the scimitar, the morning star, and perhaps even the trebuchet?? While the sun shone down and his teeth sparkled and his eyes gleamed with excitement and as he killed the other contestants he would let loose a hilarious catchphrase such as "I guess you AXED for it!"

Of course I would never murder anyone currently because that would be wrong, but if I were forced to on television, it wouldn't be my fault. KILL OR BE KILLED: UNICORN STYLE.

The nation would fall in love with our deadly reality TV unicorn hero. And I would never have trouble getting a date for the rest of eternity!!!!

How do unicorns snowshoe?

2011-01-14T07:26:00.000-05:00

from unicornprince.com:
A reader asks:

How do unicorns snowshoe? Since snowshoes come in pairs, do you have to buy two sets? What if you are broke?

What a good question! I am of course an expert on this topic, being three things:

a unicorn
an athlete
a resident of London, Canada during SNOWMAGGEDON

So I can certainly answer your question, anonymous friend!!

The best method for snowshoeing as a unicorn is of course to buy two sets of snowshoes. Attach one to each hoof. Then you can prance most prettily through the fields:

Of course, as my anonymous friend notes, not everyone can afford a second pair of snowshoes. If you only have one pair, attach them to your front hooves. You can then walk on your front forelegs, showing off your incredible muscle definition and potentially attract a mate:

If you are even more broke, do not fret!!! You can simply purchase one extremely large snowshoe. There are two methods of travel with one snowshoe. The first is for uphill travel. Attach all of your hooves to the one snowshoe, and then hop:

When you get to the top of the hill, detach your hooves and then strap your buttocks onto the snowshoe. You may then proceed downhill at top speed:

Enjoy your snowshoeing, everyone!!

The Secrets of Online Dating

2011-01-07T20:04:00.002-05:00

from unicornprince.com:
Is one of your New Year's resolutions to start dating?? Online dating has made the news a lot recently as a potential way to find a mate, or even just a sexual partner for the evening (or morning for you early birds) (hee hee hee that is a play on words, because human male genitalia looks a bit like a worm!!!)

However, it can also be dangerous and humiliating, as these recent stories on Jezebel explain:

"After we ordered a pizza and settled in to watch the first movie, he paused it, turned to me, and started ranting about how women are whores and how hard it is to be a rich guy."

"I could tell that he was getting a little aroused but was having some issues and so when he said that he knew what would "help" and that it was in his bedroom...I willingly followed. Walking in I couldn't help but notice his bed...surrounded by cat condos. Lots of cat condos."

"...he unzipped the bag and from within, pulled out - Kermit. A full sized, proper, hardcore Kermit the muppet. He put Kermit on his knee and started to do what I believe was his Kermit impression."

How can you avoid a terrible online date???? Use my surefire tips to find true love!!!

ShimmerShine's Top 5 Tips for Online Dating

Tip #1: Always carry a gun

Even if your gun is not loaded, it will look impressive, scare off predators, and provide a conversation starter. For example: "Check out my gun! It is not loaded" will lead your date to ask, "Why is it not loaded? Were you not worried about meeting me in this dark alleyway?" in which case you can say "I am a loving, trusting person" which immediately forms a bond between you and your new beloved.

Tip #2: Braid sparkling ribbons into your mane and tail

If you are a human, you can use the hair on your head of course! This tip is important because although many people use online dating as a way to see beneath the surface, attractiveness is still very important. If your hair is not long enough to braid ribbons into it, I would recommend waiting a few years before you try dating. Short hair is never as sexy as long hair, unless you are intergalactic captain Jean-Luc Picard or NDP hero Jack Layton.

Tip #3: If you wear adult diapers, do not forget to put them on before your date

This tip helps to keep you from embarrassing yourself.

Tip #4: Use a Mac, not a PC

Potential dates can tell based on your online ad whether or not you are a Mac person or a PC person. While I myself prefer a PC because I adore Microsoft Word 2007, I always use a Mac for my online dating. It says "I am hip and possibly an artist, web designer, or musician" which are all exciting careers for a potential date!! Plus, some of them come in purple.

Tip #5: Say "I love you" on the first date

This is a bold, bold move that will never fail to impress a guy or girl!

The Bachelor's new wife: A vampire????

2011-01-03T20:30:00.000-05:00

O my, I am so excited for this season of The Bachelor!!

I was going to liveblog this episode for you but when I saw the contestant Madison McKinley I completely lost all of my thoughts and plans and knew I had to post immediately.

One of the contestants is a vampire. Madison the vampire model has vampire teeth and everything!

You know what this means of course...if The Bachelor is opening up to different humanoid species like vampires in its female contestants, the time is coming very soon where they will accept a UNICORN as the next Bachelor!!! A unicorn named...Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams!!!

Selecting Wine for New Year's Eve: A Quick Guide

2010-12-31T14:13:00.008-05:00

from unicornprince.com:
Not sure which wine to purchase to ring in the new year??? How do you tell if a wine is good??? I am here to help!!!

Quick tip: If a wine has a UNICORN on the bottle, it is probably the best wine in the store.

While I have not tasted it myself, I highly recommend the excellent 2008 Tribunal Red Wine Sonoma County
from Trader Joe's. Take a peek at the far left of the bottle!!!!

Enjoy your celebrations and inebriations, everyone, and we will speak again in the new year!!

A present for Mrs. Claus

2010-12-26T13:53:00.000-05:00

from unicornprince.com:

Warning: for those sensitive to such matters, this post is slightly dirty, hee hee hee!! (I mean of course dirty in a sexual manner. There is a "double entendre" near the end.)

An anonymous commenter recently alerted me to the fact that Santa Claus may not actually be racist -- instead, it is possible that Santa does not use unicorns to pull his sleigh because Mrs. Claus will be jealous!!!

I cannot believe I had not thought of it on my own. Of course any woman would be jealous if her husband were hanging out with strappingly handsome sexual specimens like myself. While I am upset by her lack of trust, I cannot truly blame her.

So I have a potential solution!!! Next year, I will give Mrs. Claus a Christmas present that demonstrates my respect for her marriage.

And wowwweeeee do I have the best idea for a present. I am going to make a recording of myself playing a Christmas carol on the glass harmonica. Specifically, "Here Comes Santa Claus" and then she can play the recording when she and Santa are having sexual relations!!!!

Why doesn't Santa use unicorns??

2010-12-24T11:12:00.002-05:00

from unicornprince.com:
I know many of you must wonder this very question every Christmas Eve.

Why doesn't Santa use unicorns??? It seems so obvious that he should:

Our horns shine brighter than Rudolph's nose could hope to
We are magic
We can fly faster than any reindeer
We can tell who has been naughty or nice, as well as who is a virgin or not
We love cookies and milk
We look amazing with sparkly tinsel braided into our tails

I have been asked this question more times than I can count. I never wanted to share the terrible news with you, but I feel that as a journalist with my own blog, I must tell the truth.

Santa Claus is racist.

Ice Age Park...Science, or potential catastrophe???

2010-12-18T22:52:00.000-05:00

from unicornprince.com:

In Siberia, a scientist is recreating the ice age with ponies!!

CHERSKY, Russia – Wild horses have returned to northern Siberia. So have musk oxen, hairy beasts that once shared this icy land with woolly mammoths and saber-toothed cats. Moose and reindeer are here, and may one day be joined by Canadian bison and deer.

Later, the predators will come — Siberian tigers, wolves and maybe leopards.

Russian scientist Sergey Zimov is reintroducing these animals to the land where they once roamed in millions to demonstrate his theory that filling the vast emptiness of Siberia with grass-eating animals can slow global warming.

While I applaud the attempt to forestall global warming, since I am an avid environmentalist, I am a little bit worried! We all know how Jurassic Park turned out. What happens when the ponies get hungry?

I have created an artist's conception of what might go wrong:

I hope very much that I am wrong about this, but in case I am not, the scientists may consider relocating all Siberian orphans to Canada. I have a nearly-empty shed in my backyard if times get truly desperate!!!

Sexy Christmas costumes

2010-12-12T12:57:00.001-05:00

from unicornprince.com:
O, how I wish they made sexy Christmas costumes for unicorns. Why do humans get to have all the fun?? I know that I would be a perfect Sexy Toy Soldier, or even better, Sexy Rudolph since I already have four legs like a reindeer, and am handsome like a sexy one!!

Snowmageddon!!!

2010-12-08T07:12:00.002-05:00

from unicornprince.com:

Wowweee, London is experiencing a beautiful Snowmageddon!! I have spent the day prancing in the snow, making beautiful snow Pegasi (plural of Pegasus), and counting down the signs of the end times!!

Of course, I do not want the world to end, but there is one excellent thing about end times: Looting! I adore looting.

While I am a law-abiding citizen (aside from 2008 when I was in jail) and would never dream of stealing, I also enjoy living on the edge a bit (I find this only makes me more attractive, and I hope you will find this as well!).

Fortunately, when society crumbles, looting becomes commonplace and thus pretty close to legal! Of course, someone always needs to start things off and loot the first store. I have my baseball bat all ready for store window-smashing, and I hope you will ready yours as well!!

The question then becomes, how will we know if Snowmageddon has approached the point where looting is permissible and even expected? What are the signs of the end of society?

Fear not – I have prepared a handy chart!

Unfortunately, it appears that it is not yet time for looting in London. But tomorrow, as Scarlet O'Hara says, is another day!!!

My Oprah face!

2010-12-06T19:49:00.000-05:00

from unicornprince.com:
One popular internet "meme" is watching video of audience reaction when television superstar Oprah gives away cars. Her audience members provide an example of glorious happiness and spiritual grace, as seen in these videos from Jezebel linked to me by fellow blogger Michelle.

I spent nearly an hour today pausing, rewinding, and rewatching the audience members. They are so brave, showing their naked emotions on television!! I cannot help but admire them, however, at the same time part of me thinks "O, ShimmerShine, you would be so much better at this..."

It is true, of course, but at the same time I should not get cocky!! This is why I realized today that I should begin work on my Oprah Face.

What will I look like when I'm in the audience and Oprah gives me a car? How will I respond?? This is something that requires practice and choreography, no doubt! Here is my initial plan in 5 steps:

ShimmerShine's Oprah Face in 5 Steps

Dear Centipedes in my Bathroom

2010-12-01T17:17:00.000-05:00

from unicornprince.com:
Centipedes in my bathroom, I am extremely flattered by how much you enjoy my hospitality. It truly warms my heart and makes me clap my hooves in glee to know how welcomed you feel as guests in my home.

However, we seem to have had a slight misunderstanding. You were not actually invited. Since I know that etiquette can be complicated, I have decided to be a thoughtful host and provide you with an example invitation.

IF you are invited to my bathroom, this is what you will receive:

Until you receive this splendid invitation, please wait before attending any parties in my bathroom. Early arrival without RSVP may result in an accidental smashing and flushing of your selves.

Thank you from your host,
ShimmerShine Moondreams

Where are the unicorns in The Walking Dead?

2010-11-28T19:28:00.000-05:00

rom unicornprince.com:
I am loving the new show The Walking Dead! Of course we all know that in the epic battle between unicorns and zombies, unicorns would triumph (our horns only require one trust through a zombie's brain to complete the kill) but it is fun to suspend my disbelief and pretend the show takes place in a world without unicorns.

It does make me wonder, though, where are the unicorns all hiding? Since the writers have not made this clear, I will "fanwank" a few explanations!

Where are the unicorns in The Walking Dead?

Fan Speculation by ShimmerShine Moondreams

Possibility #1: We have all looted the video stores and are engaged in a FRIENDS marathon.

Unicorns love Friends! In fact in the 90s I may have sported a dashing Rachel haircut in my mane...and had a tiny crush on Ross. While I normally don't encourage theft, all bets are off during the zombie apocalypse and I would definitely bend my personal morals to loot a few video stores for popcorn and Friends DVDs and start up a marathon.

Possibility #2: We are afraid of zombies.

Hahahahaha!! HAH!! ROFLMAO!!!!! Obviously this is not true.

Possibility #3: We are looking for sexier associates.

While many paranormal monsters are quite delicious -- for example, Edward the vampire from Twilight who sparkles (unicorns cannot resist sparkles and I am a dedicated Twihard myself!) or Clay the werewolf with the sexy southern drawl from Kelley Armstrong's novel Bitten (my werewolf friend Baron Snarls von Muchteeth only *wishes* he could be so dreamy!), alas, zombies are not attractive. Their faces are rotting and without the capacity for speech, they cannot recite love poetry. Therefore, we unicorns must seek lovers somewhere else.

Possibility #4: We are biding our time before the big rescue.

Sometimes we unicorns can feel under-appreciated. Perhaps, only if a good portion of the human population perishes first will humanity truly understand how dashing and capable we unicorns are when we ride out on our motorbikes in our leather jackets to rescue you from the Walking Dead.

This unicorn was racially profiled at a Sarah Harmer concert!!!!

2010-11-21T00:23:00.000-05:00

from unicornprince.com:

O, my!! Tonight I attended a concert by the most lovely Sarah Harmer and the most awesome Hey Rosetta! However, then something terrible happened that shook my faith in the Canadian music industry.

Here is my review:

Headliner: Sarah Harmer, my favourite songstress from Kingston!!!!
Opener: Hey Rosetta!, my favourite band from Newfoundland!!!!
Date: November 20, 2010
Venue: Massey Hall, Toronto
Music Rating: ***** (5 stars)
Political Correctness Rating: ZERO STARS

Hey Rosetta! were delicious of course with a beautiful subdued set of quieter arrangements of their songs. Tim said that their new album is coming out in a few months and I am very excited!!

(I can call him by his first name because I have been a fan for so long. There is a groupie algorithm that told me this, actually, I used math!!! And I do prefer the term GROUPIE to BAND-AID as the latter sounds messy.)

Sarah Harmer sang many of her new hits as well as old songs from her time with Weeping Tile. Dogs and Thunder made me cry sparkling tears that lit up the floors of Massey Hall like tiny, wet disco balls.

HOWEVER, one thing did tarnish this event. During intermission, I went downstairs to use the Urination Station (regular readers may remember that is my term for the facilities) and to purchase some "merch" and when I returned, a female usher would not let me back to my seat!!!

Usher: May I have your ticket please
Me: O, do not trouble yourself on my account, I recall the way to my chaise!
Usher: I need to check your ticket
Me: Whatever for?
Usher: Please show me

I then frantically looked through my man-purse and could not find it! I looked through the braids in my mane and tail in case it had been lost in there and could not find it!! In the meantime, eight people passed by us and entered the hall!! My mind in its poor confused and surprised state finally understood that this was not right:

Me: Wait, perchance please tell me why those patrons do not have to show their tickets?
Usher: Well, um, uh, yeah...it's kind of a random check.

Her stuttering and hesitation made it clear...this was no "random" check...I was racially profiled at Massey Hall!!! If I had been a human, like the other 8 people who walked passed us, clearly she would not have checked my ticket.

I am very disappointed and hurt.

I do however understand that sometimes, mistakes are made, and if Sarah Harmer and/or Tim Baker from Hey Rosetta would like to apologize formally by giving me a kiss (preferably with tongue) I will consider the matter forgiven and closed.

A Unicorn (i.e. me) Returns!!!!

2010-10-24T22:59:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
O my, it has been over a month since I have posted in this fine blog!!! How can this be? I feel terrible, but I know my readers have missed me (just as my neighbours have missed my beautiful glass harmonica playing of late), but I could not help it. You see, I was once again in jail.

"But ShimmerShine," I can hear my loyal readers thinking. "How can you be in jail? For I scrolled to the bottom of your blog and looked at your jail ticker. I can see that it has been 2 years 1 month 3 weeks and 2 days since you got out of jail! If you are truly in jail right now, would it not say ZERO years, zero months, zero weeks, and zero days?"

Ah yes, my clever readers. For I was not in a literal jail but instead in...

...A PRISON OF THE SOUL!!!!!

I have been held captive by my own emotions, my own thoughts, my very own self. And so I will tell you this tale of my past month, unfolding it deliciously in a series of individual posts just as master storyteller Edgar Allan Poe (so fitting for this time of year!) would tell his tales in individual paragraphs.

O my I am clapping my hooves together with glee!! Although my journey to emotional well-being has been hard, I know it was all worth it to bring you this heart-wrenching tale.

But not today of course! Hee hee hee I love suspense!!!

Which sexy Cary Elwes would I be???

2010-09-19T18:58:00.001-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
Today my good friend Baron Snarls von Muchteeth, the werewolf, asked me: "ShimmerShine, if you were a character from The Princess Bride, would you be Westley or the Dread Pirate Roberts?"

I almost corrected him to say I would be Princess Buttercup, because she has the most beautiful name, but my mind drifted off to think, because I truly did not know: am I more like Westley or Roberts??

Since I am a mathematical creature, I have made a chart to help me decide.

As I made my chart, I realized: I am equally 100% Dread Pirate and 100% Westley! I suppose sometimes, not making a choice is the most authentic kind of choice.

Of course, my werewolf friend Baron Snarls would be neither Westley nor Roberts: he would instead be one of the terribly hideous Rodents of Unusual Size!!! Hee hee hee. O my I hope he does not read this post. But yet I hope he does read this post because it would show he is a true friend to take an interest in my blogging.

O, I know! I hope he reads this post but then strikes his head on a brick wall and causes short-term memory loss so that he forgets the post and thus is not angry with me. Indeed, this is an excellent compromise.

Centipede vs. soap

2010-09-15T06:46:00.002-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
O my, I had quite the surprise today when I went to take a bath and found that my tub was already occupied by a cheerful centipede! Cleverly, I distracted him with a sweet "Hello there" and a saucy wink, and while he was getting ready to flirt with me, I smashed him to bits with a bar of Dove soap!!

(I purchase Dove soap in particular because they donate to a "Self-esteem fund for girls" and I strongly support their "Campaign for Real Beauty"!! I have not researched this campaign yet but I am certain it must involve rhinestones and a Bedazzler.)

After I smashed my many-legged adversary, I looked at my bar of soap and the pieces of exoskeleton encrusted in it. I was unsure what to do. Should I wash myself with the same bar of soap? Was the soap now dirty with bug gook? Or was the bug gook now clean with soap? A centipede vs. Dove soap is a mental puzzle akin to the immovable wall and the unstoppable force.

There were no easy answers to this question. I decided to forego the bath for today and instead stood outside in the rain, letting it wash the grime from my fur and the uneasy thoughts from my mind.

Good deeds for 9/11

2010-09-11T05:07:00.010-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
Since today is the anniversary of 9/11 I thought that the world could use some cheering up. Every year on this date I make special plans to do a good deed.

So I sat down to frantically brainstorm a good deed. I used a web diagram to begin my brainstorming, asking myself: "What is a good deed that relates specifically to 9/11?? What would be most appropriate for this day?"

I quickly sketched out the web diagram, seen below:

"Eureka!!" I exclaimed aloud, much as Archimedes did in the bath (though I was not in the bath at this time myself). "Car lashes!" I yelled. "The solution is both obvious and yet oh-so-subtle!"

If you are not familliar with Car Lashes, they are marvellous:

You put them over the lights on your car and they give your car a jaunty feminine personality!! You can flash your lights to make her "blink" as if she is flirting. If you smash one of your lights so it no longer works, the other one looks like she is winking, which is even more flirtatious and fun.

So, my plan for 9/11 is this: Today I am up bright at early at 5am. Fortunately I have 20 sets of Car Lashes in my house for times such as this (I am most excellent at planning ahead and would be quite useful in an apocalypse). I will tiptoe down the street and put Car Lashes on all my neighbours cars!!

When they wake up, they will be so pleased, surprised, and thankful!!! And they will brighten the day of anyone who happens to see them out driving, which makes this good deed particularly charming in its ability to affect so many people at once.

"ShimmerShine Moondreams," I am saying to myself as I type this, "Sometimes you truly outdo yourself in generosity and kindness. Kudos to you!"

A shocking post: What if I were to murder someone!!

2010-09-07T20:09:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
Today I was at the beach reading a deliciously thrilling novel, Heartsick by Chelsea Cain.

As my regular readers will know, I enjoy looking at crime from the law enforcement point of view, as a forensic investigation hobbyist. I am sure that as soon as the London Police call me back, I will be able to help them solve several crimes with my fingerprinting kit and the DNA samples I have collected in the public library.

However, I admit that I do have some latent "bad boy" tendencies that had me thinking, "If I were a serial killer, how would I kill my victims??" (To any legal officials reading this: THIS IS SIMPLY A HYPOTHETICAL BLOG POST.)

Here are some ideas:

Making my victim drink drain cleaner

This is what the killer in Heartsick did. However I think this is a very silly reason to waste perfectly good drain cleaner.

Gunshot wound (or "GSW" in forensic lingo!)

I love this one because it's noisy and surprising! Unfortunately the police confiscated my gun.

Fake suicide hanging

This is my favourite! I could utilise my boy scout training to tie the knot, and even write a fake suicide note. Perhaps with a mysterious quote from a philosopher??

It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night. - Friedrich Nietzsche

But then I think about it further and truly, I could not murder someone. I simply love life too much!! Instead I would capture my potential murder victim and then we would prance together through a field of daisies, and braid each other's hair, and sing inspirational songs like "Who Am I" from the musical Les Miserables!

It would truly be the perfect day.

Squirrels poem

2010-09-03T19:57:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:

Yesterday I mentioned the possibility of rhyming the word "squirrels" in a song. Although I noted that this was a difficult task, I spent the night tossing and turning because I cannot resist a challenge!!

In all the kerfuffle I punctured my waterbed with my horn and the resulting stream flooded the neighbours' backyard, but fortunately they have not yet noticed.

In the meantime, I have risen to the task!! Below, my poem:

Squirrels: A Poem That Rhymes

by ShimmerShine Moondreams

Unicorn Prince

In my backyard there are many squirrels

I do not know if they are boys or girls

I want some more but where to find them?

When looking for squirrels, I have no referrals

I search high and low and knock on doors

I ask for meetings, but only get deferrals

I make them a dance that is quite pretty

I do jetes, plies, and fancy twirls

Soon I attract the squirrels, both boys and girls

Their tails are splendid and full of curls

They gather round, I hand out pearls

They introduce themselves, my brand new squirrels

Some are princes, dukes and earls!

And so I finish this brand new poem

Where I rhyme "squirrels" with "girls" and "twirls"!

Question re: squirrels

2010-09-02T19:45:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
Does anyone know how to train squirrels to eat tent caterpillars???

If you know the answer I will write a song or poem customized for you! Just do not ask me to rhyme "squirrels" because it is particularly difficult.

Who is my True Blood boyfriend? (Answer below!!)

2010-08-29T18:50:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
I am of course a huge fan of the television series True Blood. Who can resist those sexy vampires??

So when I had the opportunity to discover which character would be *my* True Blood boyfriend, I could not turn it down and so immediately took this quiz.

1. What do you look for in a boyfriend?

Brains
Brawn
Personality

Well all three of course, but since they make me pick I chose brawn. I have enough brains for both of us, and personality is slightly overrated, however brawn would allow me to use my boyfriend to win fights in UFC without having to risk scarring in my own beautiful fur!!

2. How important is reputation?

Very important
Not that important

Very important! We bloggers gain our following by reputation and word of mouth. For example, I have a reputation as being extremely insightful and handsome.

3. How do you feel about mixing business and pleasure?

You're completely against it
You're not totally against it
Your work is your playground

O, definitely the more pleasure involved in business the better!! This is why someday I would like to own Disneyland.

4. What is more important?

Your love life
Your family

O, I hope my cousin Spike is not reading this. If so: I love you too but they made me pick!!

5. Are you the jealous type?

Yes
Sometimes
No

I admit it, this is one of my few failings. When I see someone with a gorgeous girlfriend or a spectacular mohawk, I often think: "Why can that not be ME???"

6. Are you a hopeless romantic?

Yes, you like grand romantic gestures
No, you hate cheesy romantic stuff

The grander the better!!!

7. What's your ideal date?

Having drinks at a bar

Having dinner at a fancy restaurant

Having dessert at a coffee shop

Just hanging out at home

Definitely the fancy restaurant so I can show off my new pink waistcoat and bow tie.

8. How dangerous are you?

You can't hurt a fly

You'll fight if provoked

You're no stranger to violence

While I generally prefer to give peace a chance I also love to shoot a forceful gun and know how to spell krav maga, a fighting style that I intend to learn soon.

9. What's your idea of fun?

Partying

Shopping

Going to the beach

Just hanging out at home

All of these are fun!!! Because it is summer I have to say beach. The sun makes my fur tingle and my hooves go "cloppity-clop" with joy!!

10. You are most likely to be attacted to:

The Southern gentleman

The dark mysterious stranger

The boy next door

The playboy

I adore mystery and in fact once dated Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

11. How do you feel about vampires?

Love them

Hate them

You're in between

Love love love !!!!!!!!!!!!!

12. How often do you get in trouble?

All the time

Once in a while

Never

Not that often at all, as you can see from the counter at the bottom of my blog.

13. What kind of person are you?

You are sweet and attentive

You are forgiving and understanding

You are the promiscuous type

You are the obsessive type

O yes I am extremely sweet. I like to give back rubs and buy presents. I also like to receive both of these of course!!

14. What's your status?

Single

Divorced

In a relationship

Definitely single so if you are too, and you are attractive, please email me!!!

15. What are you good at?

Sports

Dating

Business

Fashion

I am good at all four of these things so it was incredibly hard to pick. I chose "Dating" because it is my favourite of the four.

THE RESULTS....

Facebook's unethical policies

2010-08-28T08:33:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
Facebook has been getting rather a lot of criticism these days for its privacy policies! The latest issue is surrounding the automatic lack of privacy settings for the new feature "Places" which allows users and their friends to post their location. The worry is that robbers will know when to break into houses, and stalkers will be able to follow people!!

Personally, I think "Places" is an excellent feature and that attractive people in the city of London, Canada should definitely opt in!

However, that is not what I am planning to discuss today. Instead, I want to make a stand against Facebook's discriminatory policies of profile colours.

Facebook's defining design is the blue and white colourset. This is very lovely, however, I would like to make my profile page rainbow colours!!! And shockingly, I am not allowed to do this.

I am pretty horrified that Facebook is discriminating against unicorns who love rainbows. Would they do this with other groups? For example, would a Christian not be allowed to change his Facebook colours to green and red to celebrate Jesus and Santa? Would a virgin not be allowed to change her Facebook colour to white to show off her sexual status?

Facebook, what do you have against unicorns, Christians, and virgins???

Wonderful Wednesday to you all, especially my American friends!!

2010-08-25T07:00:00.001-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
The other day one of my American friends said to me, "On Wednesday I am making gourmet mac and cheese." I told her that I thought this was a splendid plan, but later I realized: O my, it is probably for a special occasion!

I racked my brain and thought and thought, but I couldn't come up with the holiday. Was it her birthday? No! Was it Christmas? Although I love a green Christmas from time to time, that is not for a few months yet. Was it Thanksgiving? Of course I am thankful each and every day, but I am pretty sure American Thanksgiving is in October, like ours. Why wouldn't it be??

Then I realized: perhaps American celebrate the day simply for the joy of it being Wednesday?? And so I wish you all a happy America Celebrates Wednesday day!!!

Happy America Celebrates Wednesday!!!

I got to thinking, what do Americans do on America Celebrates Wednesday? I bet they also celebrate the letter W by dressing up in W-related clothes. O my I could make a whole theme party out of this. So I will!!! And you are invited, see below!!!

You are invited to... America Celebrates Wednesday The first in ShimmerShine Moondreams' "Celebrate Other North American Cultures" series of parties for social tolerance
Date:	Wednesdays!!!
Location:	The Woods
Attire:	Red white and blue, preferably Western boots, Western pants, and Western shirts. Also carry a whip!!
Food:	Wiener schnitzel, mac and cheese, wheat, watermelon, wafers, whipped cream, walnuts, worchester sauce, whey, and wasabi
Entertainment:	We will play the Wutlitzer organ and sing songs like a clever riff on Manic Monday called "Wanic Wednesday" and also a smart turnabout of I Don't Like Mondays called "I Sure Like Wednesdays."

Hope to see you there!!!

Advice for finding True Love

2010-08-23T18:11:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:

The best thing about The Bachelorette is the way it makes us all think about our own romantic lives and possible self-improvement. A few weeks ago, Michelle L. left a comment on this blog:

Why I haven't I found True Love, the way Ali will next Monday, 9:58 pm eastern standard time?

Thank-you in advance. MichelletheBlogger

I have spent some time pondering her question. I have come up with several reasons why she or anyone else may not have found True Love.

Picture of Cupid to symbolize love
you may find using my advice

Why have you not found True Love?

1. It is possible that you are not attractive enough. Beauty has been treasured by potential lovers for thousands of years, from the time of Homo erectus onward (hee hee hee o my that name sounds dirty!).

To improve your chances, I highly recommend that you add more fibre to your diet and also braid your hair with colourful ribbons and perhaps add some sparkles to it. A dark pair of sunglasses and a tuxedo will also make you appear dashing and attract potential mates.

2. You may not be romantic enough. No matter how feminist or misogynist your dates might be, I can guarantee that they always love roses, poetry, and pet names!

Red roses are the most beautiful, but if your potential lover does not have a "green thumb" you can get him or her pewter roses. One gross (that is 12 dozen or 144 single roses) is always a good amount that balances right between "I maybe like you" (cupcake delivery) and "stalker" (horse's head in left on your lover's pillow).

For poetry, the more complex the better! I highly recommend the sonata or the sestina. You can even work pet names into your poetry, such as "schnookums", "dearest", "tiddlywinks" or "lady/lord Gaga".

3. You may be not meeting enough single people. If you are only hanging out with married people or children who the law says are too young, you should find somewhere else to hang out! Particularly if you are averse to adultery and/or paedophilia (if you are not averse to these you can ignore this tip).

Stop hanging out in fertility clinics, marriage counselling group therapy, schoolyards, and day care centres. Definitely start hanging out in places where hip singles might be found, such as Mountain Equipment Co-op if you are into cute outdoorsy boys, the grocery store produce aisle if you are into healthy women who like to cook, or your backyard if you are into people who trespass and/or live with you.

(This last one may sound like a silly tip, but trespassers can have that "rebel" mysterious quality, and people who already live with you make it really easy to have sexual congress without having to leave the house and walk down the street!)

I hope these tips help and that you find True Love soon, Michelle! Remember to keep me and my delightful readers updated on your search. Readers, if you have any other tips please leave them in the comments!!

UFC legal in Ontario!!!

2010-08-20T19:35:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:

Dalton McGuinty is my new favourite Provincial Premier!!! He has decided to allow Mixed Martial Arts in Ontario!!! (You could call him the Premier who is premier in my heart, hee hee hee.)

For those of you unfamilliar with MMA, this means the ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP. For which I will start training immediately!!!

Did you know that you can make up to $500,000 per fight, according to Wikipedia? Also, the manager and coach makes 15-20% of the fight which means if I am my own coach and manager, I can make even more!! This is an excellent way for me to stockpile more gold in my backyard so that I can survive the next stock market crash.

Note for robbers: I no longer live in London, Ontario, Canada.

Note for friends only (no robbers!!): Hee hee hee that was just to fool potential gold robbers!! You do not have to change your address books, I promise. (Unless your address books say something mean like "ShimmerShine Moondreams - London, Ontario, Canada - He is not my friend and I do not like him." In that case, please change your address books to something more jovial. Thanks!!!)

Breaking News: Cape Cod Chris is not the next Bachelor!!!

2010-08-18T18:38:00.001-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
Exclusive news from my fellow blogger Michelle L.! It turns out Cape Cod Chris has turned down the opportunity to become the next Bachelor on TV's The Bachelor.

On the one hand, I am disappointed because he is very handsome and loves rainbows--two things that he and I both have in common. However, I am also excited because this means that perhaps Frank or Justin will be the one picked!!! I love the "bad boys" of The Bachelorette!

Of course I cannot stop speculating about his reasons for refusing this wonderful gig. Sometimes I find that brainstorming can help ease my mental ponderings so I have prepared a chart of my top 4 ideas (can you guess which one is my favourite???:

Return of the Tent Caterpillars!!

2010-08-18T17:04:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
O dear o dear, my mortal enemies the tent caterpillars have returned!!

I am currently ordering a new gun and also working with an online company to make me a unicorn-sized version of this suit, preferably in purple *or* perhaps rainbow colours.

Wish me luck!

Eavesdropping on the train

2010-08-13T08:43:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
I am on my way to Guelph to meet up with a friend, and then we are going to Boston!! I have never been to Boston so to fit in I am wearing my delightful bright red socks and practicing my accent. For example I might say "My awnt and uncle bought me some clam chowdah and lobstah!"

While on the train I decided to eavesdrop on a delightful older lady who is travelling alone. I wish I were sitting closer to her because I am also travelling alone and would love to strike up a conversation!! But instead I will type out her conversations with the other passengers for you:

Woman: I was too tired to go pee at the station you know, just too tired. So I thought I'd wait to do it on the train even though it's only an hour ride, that's still a long time. Is Stratford an hour?

Man sitting near her: Uh I don't know.

Woman: Well now I have to find a bathroom on this place. (Waits for a response.) DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS ON THIS PLACE?

Man: Oh sorry were you asking me? Yes I think it's back there.

Woman: OK then thanks. I was just too tired to go in the station so I have to pee now.

Man: No problem.

[After the woman goes to the bathroom]

Train employee (with a food/drink cart): Would you like some tea or coffee m'am?

Woman: Coffeee but do you have any FRESH milk?

Employee: No we don't sorry.

Woman: WELL THEN. Do you have any artificial sweetener.

Employee: Yes, we have splenda.

Woman: Great I'll take five of those then. How much do I owe you?

Employee: Uh, $2 please

Woman: Holy shit! DO YOU HAVE A COFFEE STIRRER OR PLASTIC SPOON OR EVEN A STRAW!!!!

Employee: Yes we do, here's a stirrer.

Woman: COULD I HAVE ANOTHER ONE FOR LATER TO SHAKE IT UP A BIT.

Employee: Yes m'am.

Woman: Oh God bless you!

[Later]

Woman: This coffee is good, it's so much better than Amtrack. It says Starbucks but Starbucks in the States is atrocious! It's atrocious. I guess if you like it strong but I sure don't like it strong. So that's why I don't like to travel Amtrack. Is this Stratford?

Man sitting nearby: I think it's St. Mary's m'am.

Woman: Well I need to get off at Stratford.

Adventures with The Comos and some swimsuit models!

2010-08-12T20:35:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
O my what a fantastic night I had yesterday. First, I went to see friends from The Comos play at a Habitat for Humanity fundraiser. And then on my walk home I saw a male swimsuit competition!!!

I will start this blog post chronologically, with the concert. I love fundraisers! Nothing makes me feel better than helping a fellow creature in need. I offered my services to Habitat with Humanity, telling them that my horn makes an excellent drill, but they assured me that all I had to do tonight was sit and enjoy the music. How lovely!

My friends Fuzzy and Huggy Como put on an excellent set as the band "Wrongfully Accused." I love this band name because I have also been wrongfully accused of crimes in the past, such as stalking Art Garfunkel and attempted shooting of my mailman.

They played some excellent rockability and also Huggy let me play a guest spot on his upright bass!!! Here is a photo:

After the concert, I had another entrancing encounter!

Normally as I walk home I head up Talbot Street, but my sixth sense whispered to me: ShimmerShine, don't you want ice cream? So I detoured to Richmond Street and stopped by Marble Slab to eat a birthday cake ice cream cone with sprinkles. Yum yum yum! Delirious with happiness at my ice cream treat selection, I carried on up Richmond to hear some hooting and hollering!

I thought to myself, "What could this be? It sounds like an event of fantastical proportions!" I soon discovered that outside the Ceeps (one of my favourite dance clubs in London, Canada) there was a stage erected and large crowds of women. I of course trotted closer.

As I got closer the sight became even more majestic. For on that stage were eight men in swim trunks!!! IT WAS A MALE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION!!

This is why I am an eternal optimist. Some people say "ShimmerShine, how do you stay so happy? Doesn't the world beat you down? For example, when the police confiscated your gun, when someone stole your plant, and when the London Transit Corporation doesn't allow you on their buses." Yes, I tell them, it does seem hard to live the life of a unicorn in the modern era, but then...O then if you are patient life throws you something amazing, like shirtless guys in swim trunks!!

Unfortunately, one of the bad things about being a unicorn (I know, you are thinking: "There is something bad about being a unicorn???" Of course I am exaggerating for effect here, since being a unicorn is truly wondrous.) is that when we are prancing around in our fur, there are no pockets on us. So I did not have my ID to get into the bar!! Alas my lack of foreplanning cost me a date, I am sure. Note to Future ShimmerShine: Always carry your man bag!!

However I was able to spy from the sidewalk and listen to the competition. The swimsuit men were asked all sorts of insightful questions. My favourite was the lad who, when asked "What is the strangest pickup line you've ever used?" said "I don't use pickup lines. I guess you could say I'm a hopeless romantic." I "Aww"ed with all of the ladies in the crowd. What a beautiful and attractive sentiment!

Unicorn Meat: A Fraud!!

2010-08-11T20:51:00.001-04:00

from unicornprince.com:

My fans are often very glad to read this blog because I can give them tips from a truly savvy, streewise unicorn. If you are a new reader, you are in luck because I have one of those tips today!

The Unicorn Meat offered for sale from ThinkGeek is a FRAUD!!! It is clearly not real unicorn meat. As you can see from this photo, the sparkles throughout the meat are not evenly distributed. Unicorns are magical beings of perfect beauty and symmetry.

So, while this fake meat might be delicious, it is not real unicorn. Also: please do not eat unicorns. We are your friends! And if you do not know any of us personally, may I remind you of this song:

Make new friends
And keep the old
One is silver
And the other's gold

Matthew Mitcham: A soul mate at last

2010-08-08T20:31:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
I have long believed in soul mates, of course, but even if I didn't, I now have proof. Because today I became aware of the existence of Australian Olympic diver Matthew Mitcham, who is quite possibly my very own soul mate. Not only is he an incredible athlete (like me), he has also danced with Lady Gaga's tour!!!

Photographic evidence of his talent, beauty, and appreciation of unicorns below!!!

In fact, he reminds me a little of that mysterious specimen of beauty previously shared in this blog...

Can you imagine how amazing it will be when Mister Mitcham (dare I be so forward as to call him Matthew?) and I hook up? O wowee, I could write songs for him and choreograph his dives.

In fact, I know a way to make him unbeatable!! I cannot share the details but I will give you a two-word hint: Water Trampoline.

Many enthusiastic thank-yous to new friend Bernie F. who made me aware of this hunkalicious athlete and dancer! However, I should also temper my thank-yous with a quick warning. Matthew Mitcham is my soul mate. Should you or anyone else reading this blog get inappropriate ideas of professing your own love for Matthew, you will be facing down a very angry unicorn as a result.

In fact, I will make this even more clear by enclosing an artistic rendering of my anger:

To clean or not to clean??

2010-08-07T15:48:00.001-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
Today I have to clean the house! I do enjoy cleaning. The intoxicating smell of Draino, the handsome visage of Mr. Clean winking at me from the bottle, the innocent wagering on how high the dust pile will be, and the sense of satisfaction from rolling in a load of freshly laundered bedsheets...what is there not to enjoy?

So I woke up this morning ready and raring to go!

But then I thought: by cleaning my house myself, am I depriving a poor single mother with two children who need lung transplants the opportunity to work as my maid and earn a living?

This is a moral dilemma that I am not sure how to solve, so unfortunately no cleaning will get done today, merely contemplation.

Ali finds true love; Yours Truly fights bears

2010-08-05T22:32:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
For all my Bachelorette-loving readers, was the finale not simply magical this week?? Ali found True Love with her gorgeous Spanish lover, Roberto. In the meantime, Chris from Cape Cod saw rainbows!!! Which is more romantic, a marriage proposal or rainbows?? It is so hard to know.

I was truly devastated that I could not watch it in "real time" with all of you, but I had a gig booked in Algonquin during the long weekend. So alas, on Monday night I did not see Ali swiftly but gently break Chris's heart, and I did not see Ali and Roberto appear on television together for the first time as a couple!! I did however watch it afterward on my VCR machine and was able to rewind over and over and over the magical proposal scene, and also the seadooing scene because that one looked like a lot of fun.

Why did I miss the show? Because while all of this was going on, I was rescuing a baby from a black bear!!! (I know, you are thinking: "O ShimmerShine, how heroic, why did you not lead with this amazing story??" But I of course realize that true love is even greater than my own impressive life-saving abilities, so I had to write about Ali's story first!)

One of my favourite things about camping is going with families. I simply adore it when families bring their babies along on camping trips!! It is the perfect age for camping because even though the baby will not be able to participate in singing, campfire-building, moose-watching, or canoeing, I am certain than he is able to absorb the campfire smell and learn to appreciate the Great Outdoors.

Also, when you bring a baby camping, everyone nearby is charmed by the adorable baby noises! They are so cute: giggles, crying, screaming, and also yelling. It makes my heart warm to the brim with joy and keeps me toasty hot in the cold Algonquin nights.

So of course I like to volunteer my time during the busy August long weekend to keep babies safe. In Algonquin in particular, I know that bears can be very dangerous because they love babies as much as we do, except they love them for snacks!! So I rented myself a kayak and squatted down very low inside and floated about for several hours while humming to myself, "Blue lake and rocky shore, I will return once more, Boom de de boom boom, Boom de de boom boom, Boom de de boom boom, Boom boom."

Suddenly a bear approached!!! With my singing I let him think I was off guard but I was not!! A grand tussell ensued:

When I was finished, the baby was safe!!!

I then had a difficult choice to make: you see, the father of the baby was extremely attractive, and I knew that he would be very grateful since I just saved his baby. But I decided instead to save two things that night: the baby, and the marriage of his parents!! And so I did not proposition the father at all...instead I kayaked swiftly off into the darkness, never to be seen again!!!

Ding ding!

2010-07-29T18:04:00.001-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
I think that for my birthday I shall ask for an olde-timey bicycle bell that makes a particular noise: "Ding ding!"

However, I will NOT be attaching this to my bicycle! Instead I will carry it with me everywhere, perhaps with some strands of hair from my mane woven through it so I never lose it.

Then, I can use it as my own personal Industrial Light & Magic sound effects show!!! I will make the "ding ding" noise whenever the following occurs:

I say something particularly witty, such as: "Why was the werewolf arrested in the butcher shop? He was chop-lifting." (DING DING!)
I smile and my beautiful white teeth glimmer in the sunshine, moonlight, or starlight: *smile* (DING DING!)
I get an answer correct on Jeopardy! or make a guess on Wheel Of Fortune: "Mister Sajak and Miss White, I would like to select RSTLN and E" (DING DING!)
I wink at an attractive passerby (DING DING!)

I know there will be so many more instances when I can use my new bicycle bell, o my, I cannot wait, I do hope someone purchases this for my birthday!!! Or you could purchase it for a late Father's Day present perhaps since I am the "father" of this blog.

My first "screw" of the year!!! <--Hee hee hee double entendre

2010-07-28T21:28:00.001-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
Today I stepped on a screw in my basement. It slipped right into the soft frog area of my hind hoof, o my was that a surprise!! At first I was dismayed and shook one of my front hooves at the ceiling while limping around, shouting "Why, world, why such pain??" and then I realized that I already knew the answer: we would not be able to appreciation the delicious pleasures of life, such as bubble baths and love, without also sharing in life's pain.

For those readers who enjoy medical diagrams with their philosophical words of wisdom, here is what happened to my hoof:

Who is the most evil Bachelor?

2010-07-27T20:23:00.003-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
Fellow blogger and Bachelorette watcher Michelle L. asked me, "ShimmerShine, who do you think was more evil, Frank or Justin? Can you use a chart to explain your answer?"

Of course I can!!

To truly do Michelle's question justice, I used the scientific method.

I began by assigning each bachelor "Evil Points" based on the evil things he had done during the show. Evil things would get him +X Evil Points (X depending on the severity of the act) and pleasant things would get him -X Evil Points (X depending on how pleasant the act was).

Then I would graph the progression of the evil acts, and use the graphs to see who was left standing "Most Evil" with the most Evil Points, or E.P.'s!!

Justin vs. Frank: Who is the Most Evil Bachelor?

A Graphical Comparison

O my!!! It appears Frank wins, with a total of 11 E.P.'s to Justin's 9!!

Pop Culture Showdown: Bachelorette vs. Alice Cooper

2010-07-26T18:57:00.006-04:00

from unicornprince.com:
I have had the most incredible week of pop culture viewing!! Two of my favourites were the ever-fascinating Bachelorette episode as well as a concert by hard rock superstar Alice Cooper. In fact, both were so awesome that I spent last night tossing and turning, unable to sleep because I kept thinking: "Which of these was more awesome?? I SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW!!"

The solution of course is to rank them in chart form based on a set list of criteria.

Pop Culture Showdown:
The Bachelorette episode vs. An Alice Cooper concert

	The Bachelorette	Alice Cooper
Music:	Imagine how much more powerful Ali's teary breakdown could have been if Alice Cooper's if it began with the acoustic guitar of Alice Cooper's Only Women Bleed	All of the music was awesome of course!!!
Winner: Alice Cooper
Potentially violent confrontation:	Ali vs. Frank Frank told Ali that he wanted to get together with his previous girlfriend!!! The scene between Frank and Nicole was incredibly romantic, but then he broke Ali's heart, which was so difficult to watch. After their confrontation, Ali hugged Frank goodbye and then cried.	ShimmerShine vs. Mean Girl A mean girl wanted to steal my spot near the stage! She shoved me, and then when I refused to move, she said "Watch yourself, [profanity]!!" I said in response, "Actually I am not a female dog, I am a male unicorn, so perhaps you should do the watching!"
Winner: The Bachelorette. Although I was magnificent in my confrontation with the Mean Girl Alice Cooper fan, I was very impressed by Ali's ability to put her heartbreak aside for hugs.
Atmosphere:	The Bachelorette had gorgeous Tahiti scenery	Alice Cooper had a guillotine!!! And he chopped off a baby's head with a sword!!!
Winner: Alice Cooper. While I do not condone violence, that was AWESOME!!!
FINAL WINNER: Alice Cooper, with a total of Alice Cooper 2, The Bachelorette 1. Bachelorette, it is a good thing that an Alice Cooper concert is a one-in-a-summer occasion or you might have some serious competition!!

Travelling but alas not to Tahiti

2010-07-19T08:05:00.004-04:00

Well well well, I am running behind on my Bachelorette blogging for this summer! Even worse, tonight I will not be able to watch it. I will have to remain in suspense until Friday!! In fact I am running so behind that I am "liveblogging" from the train today.

I am looking forward to the Bachelorette's visit to Tahiti. It is such a magical place, with blue blue water, one of my favourite colours (o, if only they could make it purple water! Imagine how magical that would be).

I was a little concerned last week about Kirk's father, so I am glad that Ali let him go. He looked very familliar and I think he may have been the unicorn poacher who chased me out of Green Bay, Wisconsin once. I had travelled there to see if the bay was truly green (I was hoping for a lovely jade or teal colour) but found myself staring into the barrel of a gun! <--O, if you are a musician reading this blog, that would make an excellent song, feel free to use it.

Welcome to my toilette!

2010-07-15T19:21:00.002-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
Today I thought if a clever new name for my bathroom, and so I made a sign!

New URL!!

2010-07-12T23:32:00.002-04:00

O my I have finally achieved my own "domain name" as they say in information superhighway parlance!

You can now come right here from http://www.unicornprince.com !!!!!!!

Last week's Bachelorette

2010-07-12T07:31:00.002-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
O my, I was sitting outside in the backyard eating breakfast this morning and I thought to myself, "I am so excited for The Bachelorette tonight! This show just gets more and more romantic each week."

And then I realized: I did not blog about it for you all last week!!!

So, I have prepared a diagram showing my feelings toward the general sexiness of each of Ali's beaux! The closer you get to the middle, the closer you are to the "target" of total sexiness, which is also represented by a darker red, because red is the colour of passion:

Kirk is extremely attractive of course (they all are!) but unfortunately, his name reminds me of Captain James Tiberius Kirk of Star Trek. I know that if I were to marry Kirk, I would spend my days comparing him to Captain James T. Kirk and there is simply no contest. Very few men are as beautiful as Mister William Shatner.

Chris gains points ahead of Kirk because he brought Ali a bracelet!! When he gave it to her I was dancing a little in my seat, clapping my hooves together, thinking "O, how romantic!"

Roberto is even hotter than Chris because of his extremely sensual Latin name. Exotic men can sure make this unicorn swoon! And of course he knows how to tango *and* salsa.

Frank is clearly the most passionate about Ali and it shows, making him the sexiest of all. I am a big fan of a little jealousy in my mates, and Frank does not like it when Ali kisses other men!!

My part in making swim history!

2010-07-11T18:32:00.006-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
I am so inspired by marathon swimmer Diana Nyad!! She is planning to swim from Cuba to Florida at age 60. When she tried it in 1978 she had to stop after 42 hours because of the weather. How horrible!!

At first when I heard about her plan I admit I was a teensy tiny bit jealous. I thought "O no, if she swims from Cuba to Florida my latest attempt to swim across the Thames on New Year's Eve this year will seem much less impressive." But then I thought, "No! Her bright victory will not take away from the splendour of my own. There is room for two magnificent athletes in the world."

So I have decided to assist Miss Nyad. I know that with the two of us as partners, she can overcome even the worst weather!! And so I am building a beautiful rainbow windsurfing device to accompany her on her swim. I will bring a feeding stick to keep her energy level up, and as she swims I will be right beside her, offering words of encouragement and also song!!

Here is a preview of the blueprints for my windsurfing device:

Satisfaction: A Poetic and Artistic Response

2010-07-04T21:50:00.001-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
On Friday I discussed my new "backup plan" career as a retail clothing salesunicorn. I am currently assembling my portfolio to apply at Anthropologie, and an anonymous reader asked to see a sample. I am always happy to share, you need only ask!!

I have chosen to illustrate my poem in the Cubist style, below.

My backup plan(s)

2010-07-02T19:22:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
New York Magazine recently published a fantastic article about the dress codes at various retail clothing stores in response to the American Apparel controversy!!

I of course have taken the Girl Guide and Scouting motto "Be Prepared" to heart and have begun preparing myself for the future. I have asked myself the following "What If???" questions:

What if the Toronto Symphony Orchestra disappeared and I could no longer count on them for a future job?

What if I found out that Justin Bieber shopped for clothing at a particular store and I needed a way to meet him?

What if Prime Minister Stephen Harper changed the Canadian voting regulations to say that only those employees of retail stores could vote in the next federal election?

What if I needed some new pants at a sweet discount?

All of these questions can be taken care of by a simple preparedness: determining which of the retail clothing stores would best suit my personality and current wardrobe!!!

I have narrowed my choice to two.

Anthropologie
Two different employees at this boho-trendy chain, owned by Urban Outfitters Inc., admitted that the store's hiring practices were intense. Interviews were conducted in groups, and questions included "Are you well-traveled?" and "What kind of music do you like?" Some interviewees felt so pressured to prove their creativity, they brought art portfolios and demo CDs to the interview sessions.

O my I would be so excellent at this. I could bring them my art portfolio AND my poetry portfolio AND my music portfolio!!! In fact, I could accomplish this all in one, by drawing a picture of Mick Jagger the musician reciting a beautiful poem that I wrote myself.

Banana Republic
The Gap Inc.–owned chain asks its employees to wear three business-casual pieces at all times, but is pretty flexible when it comes to defining those three-way combos. For example, pants plus a shirt plus a cardigan or blazer counts, as do pants plus a shirt plus a statement necklace or oversize belt.

I love three business casual pieces!!! For example, I could wear a tailored suit jacket, a pair of leggings, and I could wear a sparkley business sock on my horn for Business Time!!!! (A la the delightful band Flight of the Conchords of course.)

O, I feel as though I have accomplished a lot to-day. I have made not one, but TWO plans for my future.

The Bachelorette: Ali should use a Feelings Chart

2010-06-29T20:19:00.005-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
O my last night on The Bachelorette was quite the shocking experience!!! It turns out that dreamy Player contestant Justin "Rated R" Rego actually has two girlfriends and did not want to marry Alie after all!!! HE WAS TELLING LIES THE WHOLE TIME.

After letting the suprise digest overnight I thought to myself, "How would I handle this situation if it happened to me?"

I believe it is important to prepare for these things, especially since my application to The Bachelor is nearly submitted.

The Steps I Would Take If Lied To On The Bachelor
A thoughtful report by ShimmerShine Moondreams

I would turn fuscia, since this is the colour I am when I am sad

I would rent a hovercraft to chase him around the gardens of Turkey (this is where Ali failed!! Always have a hovercraft in wait)

I would create a "Feelings Chart" (similar to a Feelings Letter) to properly express myself and hand it to my former love. For example it might look like this:

Feelings Chart:
Being Lied To On The Bachelorette

And I heart cougars!!

2010-06-27T17:59:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
This tee shirt photo was sent to me on a tip by Brent J. who recently attended a GLAMBERT concert!!

I have drawn the clear conclusion: I must change my name to Adam Lambert.

A Montreal Photo Essay

2010-06-25T18:09:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
So recently I was in the beautiful Quebecois city of Montreal!! Here are a few highlights of my trip:

I went to Old Montreal and took my turn pulling a newlywed couple on a horse and buggy ride (make that UNICORN and buggy, tee hee). My hooves went CLIPPITY CLOP CLOP across the cobblestone streets and I sang them all of the French songs I knew (Helene by Roch Voisine, and Frere Jacques). Baron Snarls von Muchteeth loped along beside us! You cannot see the buggy in this photo because I took the photo as I was pulling it.

Fellow blogger Michelle and I toured the Metro (aka the subway for you Anglos!) and marveled at the beautiful advertisements. "Oooh la la!!!" I thought to myself, "I should purchase an iPad since clearly they are fashionable, if Les Quebecois enjoy them!"

I auditioned for Cirque du Soleil by first shoplifting a steak knife from a local restaurant. Normally I would have offered compensation for the knife but alas I did not know the French for "I need to borrow this steak knife for an acrobatics audition."

I used the knife to carefully cut my way into one of these beautiful tents (do not worry, I patched them up with duct tape). Then I laced up my ballet shoes and went to find the trapeze!! Unfortunately I got distracted by some delicious cotton candy and never had a chance to perform my routine, but it was worth it. The cotton candy was PINK!

Overall, it was a very successful trip!

I may have found love on The Bachelorette

2010-06-22T17:47:00.004-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
I had so very much commentary for you this week on the dreaminess of the various Bachelorette contestants. But then it was all lost in a haze of new love as I watched the group date in Iceland!!!!

I have written a poem to express my feelings.

Ode to Icelandic Pony #5
by ShimmerShine Moondreams
Unicorn Prince

Gaman að kynnast þér. Hvað heitir þú?
You took my breath away with tonnes of flair;
It no longer makes clouds in the cold Icelandic air.
Hvernig hefur þú það? Já, I am smitten
Your mane and tail are more majestic
Than anything I have seen domestic(ally)

Perhaps I should get a new mane cut?

2010-06-20T21:38:00.006-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
A woman was recently mistaken for Canadian pop chaunter Justin Bieber!!

I am a huge fan of Bieber. Why does this never happen to me??

I have even perfected his signature just in case a fan mistakes me for Bieber and asks me for an autograph (I would not want to disappoint the fans, since I am extremely altruistic).

My new favourite Bachelor: Kasey!!

2010-06-15T18:14:00.003-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:

Before I start I should note that for you non-Bachelorette loving readers (how silly you are!!) I will indeed be posting my regular life observations as well this week. It has just been such an amazingly complex season of The Bachelorette so far that it has taken all of my emotional and artistic energy to capture the goings on. I still have some excellent stories about my trip to Montreal for you all so look for those soon!

But now, on to THE BACHELORETTE and her eleven immeasurably dreamy hunks!

O my I think Kasey is my new favourite. Sorry, Justin “Rated R” Rego but sometimes my heart is a fickle one!

Kasey is working down my list of traits I desire in a mate. Check it out!

1. Romantic discourse: “It’s just my heart. Jump in. Stay awhile.”

2. Artistry: He create impromptu melodic poetry of song, a capella!!! Many lotharios resort to accompanying themselves on guitar or ukulele, but Kasey sang without any backup. So confident, so dreamy!

3. Romantic gestures: He got a tattoo for Ali!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Protectiveness: He promised multiple times to guard Ali’s heart. O sigh sigh sigh I wish he would guard mine.

I also have to express my appreciation for Cape Cod Chris, and his shout-out! He rightly noted that Kasey sees Ali as “butterflies in a meadow” and “unicorn love” and my o my he is correct. What a perfect description! And I am so pleased that he “tipped his hat” as they say at me, since I am likely his favourite unicorn viewer.

Also, the date with Cape Cod Chris was incredibly romantic. Joshua Radin’s dulcet whispering tones!! And then, o what a beautiful surprise, a gospel choir backing him up! I have often said that there is nothing in the world more romantic and sexy than a gospel choir.

Dear Bachelorette producers: Please select me as a contestant for your next season, or possibly as a surprise guest for this season???

Justin "Rated R"'s reality past!!!

2010-06-14T06:20:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
As a unicorn I have an astute "people sense" and can see through someone's eyes and into their soul and character. This greatly facilitates my enjoyment of reality television such as American Idol and The Bachelorette.

In preparation for tonight's episode of The Bachelorette I have been doing some research! Justin the wrestler with the broken foot intrigued me immediately. I knew that he was a genuine Bad Boy with admirable flirting skills, and now I have found proof.

Justin is no stranger to reality television, for he was previously on the Canadian show Keys to the VIP, in which two charming men compete to see how many women they can seduce in a nightclub, to prove they are "A Player"!!

You can watch the entire episode with Justin "Rated R" Rego on the Comedy Network's website here. Justin is incredibly attractive with his dreamy soul patch and numerous pickup lines.

Oooo I wish I were Ali the Bachelorette this season so he would use his pickup lines on ME!!

Bachelorette Questionnaire

2010-06-13T19:49:00.005-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:

Today I was thinking: I would love to go on the amazing dates featured on The Bachelorette. My friend and fellow blogger Michelle recently applied to be on the show, and I realized that I should probably apply to be on the programme myself!

I looked up the application questionnaire have drafted my reply.

THE BACHELOR / BACHELORETTE

GUY QUESTIONNAIRE

Name: Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams

Do you have a valid passport? Yes and I promise it is possibly *not* a forgery!

How did you hear about our search:

I went to your website to find out how I could sign up and go on fabulous dates.

Occupation: Wayward unicorn prince and poet

Annual salary: I do not feel this question is relevant because I do not wish to meet dates who want me only for my money!!

Cell # N/A – I do not wish to encourage the spread of brain tumours so I cannot answer this one either.

Work # - I do not work there yet but I am sure that by the time you read this application, I will be a harpist for the Toronto Symphony Orchestra and you can contact me at their offices

Birthdate: Hee hee hee not going to tell!

Height: 17 hands

Weight: Light as a feather when I am in love!!

Home # Oh my you ask for a lot of numbers before I have even gone on any dates.

Fax # I do not have a facsimile machine but if you require one for my dates I will be happy to use one

Age: Sneaky sneaky sneaky this is another way of asking my birthdate, isn’t it?

Hair Color: O, I change colours with my mood so it could be any colour of the rainbow. Since I will be in love on this television show likely I will be lilac purple.

Eye Color: See above re: lilac purple

What is your highest level of education: I personally believe there is no highest level of education and that everyone should strive to be his or her best.

Degree(s): 360 degrees when it comes to love!

School(s) Attended: I once studied etiquette at the court of Queen Victoria

Are you a legal resident of the United States? No but I am a big fan of Hollywood

Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type? Yes.

If so, please give details and dates: My most recent crime was attempting to shoot the postman but accidentally shooting myself in the hoof instead. I have since been released and am on my best behaviour. They also confiscated my gun so please do not ask me to go hunting or show off my marksmanship until I get a new one.

Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against you? Yes.

If so, please give details and dates: Well, they said it was permanent but I am sure that Art Garfunkel will reconsider when he hears my melodious singing along to Bridge Over Troubled Water at his concert next month!

Have you ever been a performer, participant or contestant on television, radio or in film? O yes

If yes, please explain. I had the opportunity to work with Mister Tom Cruise in the film Legend. I am also a performer and regular favourite in my neighbourhood of Old North in London, Ontario, where I entertain my neighbours with poetry, dance, and glass harmonica.

Do you drink alcoholic beverages? No, I prefer spring water and Mountain Dew

Have you ever been married? No! I know that is shocking but it is actually the truth

Have you ever been divorced? No, but I would like to be. Ever since I saw the film Kramer vs. Kramer I have thought that divorce hearings look extremely exciting.

Are you genuinely looking to get married? Yes!! O, yes indeed I can even show you my wedding scrapbook and the sewing patterns I have picked out for my wedding veil if you would like some proof!!

Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction. O, he or she would be very physically attractive of course. Personality wise he or she would be just like me: intelligent, artistic, and a bit of a bad boy/girl!

How many serious relationships have you been in? O dear I would have to check my diary to tell you the exact number.

What happened to end those relationships? The cruel hand of fate

What are your hobbies? Bubble baths, playing music, writing poetry, falling in love, swimming the Thames River, forensic investigation, and I am thinking about taking up shepherding, because I know I could come up with the cutest names for all my sheep! Perhaps I would name them after past Canadian Prime Ministers.

What is the unique talent of which you are most proud? When I sneeze my snot turns into glitter. This is why I am always invited to birthday parties.

List the 3 adjectives that best describe you: Splendid, magnificent, glorious!

Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body? NO but If I decided to get one it would be on my rump and it would be a picture of myself with writing underneath saying: IF YOU CAN ONLY SEE THIS RUMP, CHECK OUT THIS TATTOO BECAUSE IT IS A PORTRAIT OF THE ENTIRE UNICORN AND HE IS VERY ATTRACTIVE.

What accomplishment are you most proud of? I once danced a waltz to music composed for a tango!

Why would you be a great husband? I would pick up groceries every day, whether we needed them or not.

Why are you America’s Most Eligible Bachelor? I have written a poem about it:

Because I

Am ever so

Charming,

Handsome,

Elegant, and

Loving. You really

Ought to meet me! Au

Revoir (see I also speak French!)

News of Magic and Wonder, Vol. 1 No. 1

2010-06-09T20:36:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
Here is the first issue of the newspaper I am editing! Please click to view it full size; I do very much hope you enjoy it.

Liveblogging from the train once more!

2010-06-05T02:05:00.003-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com

This is possibly my longest post ever and it was written in collaboration with Baron Snarls von Muchteeth!! Now that the delightful Via Rail offers complimentary wireless that occasionally functions, I bet you will be seeing much more of my “Liveblogging from the train” posts so I hope you enjoy this one!!!

(NOTE: I actually am posting this after I got home, since the complimentary wireless went down around Hour Six of my trip.)

I am travelling from Montreal, Quebec to London, Ontario in an approximate 9-hour trip. I have several hours left and I must say, I think that 9 hours is the perfect number of hours for a train trip. In the past, my longest trip has been 7.5 hours and that was not long enough to truly discover all the pleasures that a train ride has to offer.

O dear I must pause to wipe werewolf spit off my laptop computer monitor. I forgot to mention that Baron Snarls von Muchteeth is travelling with me and he has a VERY POOR ATTITUDE which he just chose to express by spitting on this blog post. While I adore my friend perhaps we are not the best “travel buddies” because he finds so many things to complain about!!

I will present for you a chronological timeline of Snarls’ frustrations:

In Montreal, Snarls discovered his new favourite beer, Boreale Noire, which he claims is a lovely stout (I know it cannot be as delicious as Mountain Dew or as pure spring water kissed by the sunshine). And so he purchased a case to take home with us and then complained about the weight in his suitcase. Personally I think a werewolf with his parahuman strength should be able to carry a few dozen beers—he is clearly a “whiner baby” hee hee hee.

When we got to the train station, we waited in line. I love waiting in line because it is excellent for people-watching. We discovered that the large group of teenagers who shared our floor in our hotel were also in line with us!! They had a magnificent trophy that they had recently won in a sporting activity. When I saw them, I gasped aloud with glee! “O excellent,” I thought, “Now their delightful voices which serenaded us throughout our hotel stay in Montreal will also accompany us on the train!” Snarls was less impressed. Sometimes I worry about him, for he does not seem to feel pleasure in the same way I do.

Snarls was also upset that no one told us we had to check our baggage. His argument was that since he has travelled 6,000 times with Via Rail before and never had to check baggage, he could not have known to check it, since there was no notice during his purchase or on our tickets. I understand his point, but at the same time feel it is our responsibility to become aware by making educated guesses and phoning the company in advance to ask “Will we have to check luggage even though we never have before? Will there be working bathrooms on this train? Will we need to wear only the colour purple before being allowed to board?” (O my I was so excited when I thought of this last one – imagine a whole train full of beautiful people in purple sparkles! But alas that was not the case the phone operator said we could wear any colour we desired.) (I desired purple of course so I have purple ribbons in my tail RIGHT NOW)

Then, Snarls said “Oh dear” (he did not say this, actually he said something quite vulgar beginning with the letter F) “I have a case of beer in my suitcase, when you check my suitcase will you handle it with care?” The Via Rail lady said no and in fact, we would have to remove the beer from our suitcases. Snarls looked a bit ferocious at this so she explained:

“Of course you can’t have any liquid in your suitcase at all. Your suitcase might leak all over someone ELSE’s suitcase WHICH MIGHT HAVE A WEDDING DRESS IN IT.”

Even Snarls could not argue with this logic, so we took all of the beer out of his suitcase and repacked it in my backpack. We took all of my books and treats and my sweater out of my backpack and put it in Snarls’ suitcase.

Then, the Via Rail lady was worried we were going to drink the beer! Snarls told her that since it was originally packed in the suitcase, likely we were not planning to drink it. She countered with this fine argument:

“Well, you didn’t know you were going to check the suitcase, did you? So maybe you were going to keep your suitcase on the train and get drunk from it. You can purchase alcoholic beverages once on board but you cannot drink from your backpack.”

I pointed out to Snarls that her argument was sound. He glared at me but was quiet from then on.

When we boarded the train eventually in Montreal, we were told that under no circumstances were we to leave the platform once we disembarked in Toronto to transfer to our London train. We were to get off the train in Toronto, walk up the platform to the baggage car, and take our suitcases from there, then get on the next train. We were told no less than three times that we must remain on the platform and absolutely do not leave it.

Five hours later we disembarked in Toronto. Wheee!!!!!!! I love using the steps on a train. My hooves go cloppity clop clop. O, Snarls is reading over my shoulder and claims that I have lost the point of the story.

When we disembarked in Toronto, we were yelled at. We were told we absolutely cannot stay on the platform, we had to get downstairs to pick up our luggage in time for our next train!!! Of course, the train attendant reasoned, we should have asked about this in Montreal and known about it in advance. We had to take the stairs down and then cross to the baggage area to pick up our baggage.

When we got there, I asked the Baggage Woman, “Once we pick up our baggage, how do we reboard?” She said “You don’t have to wait in the line, since you’re transferring just go up the first escalator right in front of us, and you will be there.” “Excellent!!!” Snarls and I yelled. We were excited to board before anyone else.

After a nice long wait in which I tried to get Snarls to sing the campfire round “Make new friends / But keep the old / One is silver and the other’s gold” we got to retrieve our baggage. (I love baggage. It’s so brightly coloured! And sometimes I forget what I packed, so it’s like having a present with unimaginable treasures inside!)

When we retrieved our baggage. We went to the first escalator in front of us, as instructed by the Baggage Lady. “How odd,” we thought. “This is a DOWN escalator.” We briefly thought about climbing it as fast as we could, but then Snarls said “She must have meant the next escalator of course.”

The next escalator was not working, so we climbed it carrying our heavy baggage which included my backpack filled with a case of beer. When we got to the top the track was deserted and we were very confused. We climbed back down the escalator, and then were spoken to quite sternly by some sort of Escalator Man who said we had to go get into line 16.

We stood in line 16 for 45 minutes. It was a pretty good line, I must say! We had the longest one. I counted everyone else’s line and ours had at least 40 people more!!!! I yelled to Snarls “Bingo, we win!!! JACKPOT LONGEST LINE!!!!” and then he stopped speaking to me until we got on the train.

Update: O excellent, Snarls has calmed down! We were told to look in the menu book to see what we might like to order from the trolley. Snarls has discovered this train carries Guinness, so he is now happy and eagerly awaiting the trolley.

Update #2: The train is completely out of Guinness. I am a little worried that Snarls will smash this computer so I should probably shut it down and finish this post.

Update #3: I restarted the computer so that Snarls could play solitaire. However, in his anger his hands have turned to claws, so he was destroying the keyboard and I confiscated it back. I do worry about him sometimes, because we have such different life philosophies. Take this train ride as an example. He has been cranky and grumpy, and says that Via Rail’s conflicting instructions have been confusing and annoying. I pointed out to him the truth that should be obvious to him: Via Rail is actually invested in our mental health. To stave off diseases such as dementia and Alzheimer’s, it can be helpful to do crossword puzzles and play Scrabble and other such “mind games.” In the same one, Via Rail constantly keeps us on our toes!! With all of the different instructions, taking the train is a giant puzzle to keep our minds sharp and active. It is for this reason that I truly commend their company and I will do this little jig for them. O dear I wish you could see my jig, I am just about to do it in the aisle of the train and it will be magnificent.

Update #4 from Baron Snarls von Muchteeth: He is seriously doing a fucking jig right now. I hate my fucking life. God, everyone is staring at us. This is so embarrassing. ALSO Shimms didn’t mention but when I went pee the train toilet SPLASHED MY PISS OUT OF THE TOILET IN A GIANT ONE-FOOT HIGH SPURT and I barely jumped out of the way on time so it only hit me on the foot.

Update #5 from ShimmerShine: Snarls has told me that if I don’t leave his update intact, including the swearing and the urine story, we will no longer be friends. I can of course respect that but I must add my own thoughts, which are: I cannot believe his urine story. While he may despise Via Rail, clearly the train toilets were NOT designed to splash his urine at him. He is either lying or hallucinating.

Another edit: I have won my argument with Snarls about the quality of Via Rail’s transportation efforts! It is currently 1am and they just announced that our train will only be 25 minutes late this trip to London!!! I am excited to get home only 25 minutes later than planned at approximately 2am. Snarls was so pleased with this as well that he did not use profanity at all.

Snarls’ edit #2: Uh Shimms I didn’t say anything because it was fucking 1am and I was ASLEEP.

The Bachelorette: Week Two! (Spoilers of course)

2010-06-01T09:37:00.002-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
I am very sorry to lose Canadian Craig! I was hoping for him and the Weatherman as the Final Two. Although I am a pacifist most of the time, I do think it is incredibly romantic when two men fight over a woman and I was hoping to see a good fistfight or even a “war of words” between these gentlemen.

O, I was deliriously happy to see Ali’s dates, however, and this nearly made up for it. SHE GOT TO KISS UNDER THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN. I have wanted to do this for so long but never succeeded. The closest I got was my planned meet-up with James Dean (before his death of course) when we were both arrested for attempting to spray-paint each letter a different beautiful colour of the rainbow. I knew we should have done our kissing before our beautification project.

And then flying to Vegas and driving a hot sports car and swimming in a pool no one has swum in before! How exclusive. I wonder, if I got a pool in my backyard, would I get to swim in it the very first? Or would the pool installation men have to test it out before I could take my turn? I shall have to inquire about this. I will also inquire about whether they can make the water pink and fizzy.

New hobby ideas

2010-05-28T20:41:00.001-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
I have been in a bit of an emotional slump lately. While my life is filled with joy and happiness and I still wake up singing "Tra-la-la, la-lalala-la-la-lah, tra-la-la" in the mornings, the skip in my step is perhaps not quite as chipper as usual.

I think this means I need a new hobby!

Here are some ideas for hobbies I have not yet tried:

Potential New Hobby	Pros	Cons
Skydiving	Would show the world I am a daredevil to be reckoned with, like Indiana Jones	Pretty scary. Not that I am scared personally, but other people might find it scary to watch me, so I would not want to put them through this emotional trauma
Fashion design	This would allow me to share my beautiful creations with the world (such as, platform shoes that leave sparkle glue footprints wherever you walk)	This hobby would not be much of a challenge, since I am so naturally talented when it comes to fashion
Public urination	This is Baron Snarls von Muchteeth's idea and I am not taking it seriously but I promised him I would include it	See previous column. Also: this is not very classy and I am extremely classy
Newspaper editing	I could help the world by sharing with them important news and also my opinions on music, film, and perhaps even an advice column	None??? THIS IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA. Stay tuned for the first edition of my very own newspaper!!!!!

How to fix American Idol

2010-05-25T23:08:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
Since yesterday I discussed The Bachelorette, I thought it might be fitting to make this Reality Television Week at Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams' Blogging Adventure!

This season of American Idol has been wonderful as always, but many critics are claiming it has gotten old and boring. Although I do not agree, I think there may be a way to fix it: the theme nights.

If you are not a regular watcher: every year the show does different theme nights. The Top 4 contestants, for example, sing movie songs, and the Top 5 sing Frank Sinatra tunes. However, this is the same year after year.

Perhaps it is time for a change! I humbly make the following suggestions

Week of theme	Current 2010 Theme	My idea for 2011 Theme
Top 12	Rolling Stones	Keep it Rolling Stones except everyone has to sing Paint it Black using a different colour of the rainbow! They should also dress in that colour. I will give extra votes to the contestant who selects purple.
Top 11	Billboard Number 1 Hits	Campfire rounds
Top 10	R&B/Soul	Songs with titles that rhyme with "orange" (this is a tricky one!)
Top 9	Lennon/McCartney songbook	Songs about unicorns (suggestions: The Last Unicorn by America ; I Was Born a Unicorn by the Unicorns ; The Unicorn Song by the Irish Rovers)
Top 8	Elvis Presley	I love Elvis so keep it the same, but also everyone has to perform on a surfboard. They will build a special pool on the American Idol stage just for this. Also mayhap they could add sharks.
Top 7	Inspirational songs	This is my favourite theme so I will keep it the same.
Top 6	Country/Shania Twain	Marching Band theme week!!
Top 5	Frank Sinatra	Scandinavian Death Metal (but only those songs with no profanity, since this is a show for all ages)
Top 4	Songs of the Cinema	Songs from children's television (such as Won't You Be My Neighbour, C is for Cookie, or Harriet's Magic Hats)
Top 3	Judges' Choice and Contestants' Choice	ShimmerShine's choice
Top 2	Coronation Song	Take Me Out to the Ballgame

The Bachelorette

2010-05-24T23:13:00.005-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
O my I discovered the most wonderfully romantic bit of television programming this evening: The Bachelorette. How have I not watched this before?? Why have my readers and friends not told me about this??

Previously I was thinking "O dear, this summer will be so boring! While I will enjoy the sun and many music festivals and the return of my battle with my nemeses, the tent caterpillars, my life feels empty." Now I am thinking "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait to blog about THE BACHELORETTE every week!"

1. Firstly I must share with you how impressed I am by the gorgeous Ali and her many many potential "hunks."

2. Secondly I must say that I am very upset that some of the hunks question each other's motives, to the point of writing down and putting in a box the name of the man whose motivations are suspect.

This is patently ludicrous and it is clear to see that everyone on the show is there for love. No one would join a programme dedicated to romance without being a Student of Cupid himself. You can see it in their eyes, and the eyes are indeed the doorways to the soul.

3. Thirdly I suppose I should pick my favourite hunk so far! Since I am a Canadian unicorn I was immediately drawn to hunks Justin, the Entertainment Wrestler, and Craig, the Dental Salesman. It was so so so hard to choose but I had to give full points to Craig for having the most beautiful hair:

Craig makes my heart beat like the heart of a lion in chase of a gazelle. If Ali turns him down and he is THE BACHELOR on next year's programme please sign me up to be one of his potential bachelorettes!!!

O my there is so much more to say but I will save it for next week.

Photographic evidence below

2010-05-22T19:23:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
Today I woke up with an insightful thought: Perhaps I would get more dates if all of you on the "blogosphere" knew that I had a truly outstanding rump?

Should I get a cellular telephone?

2010-05-19T23:14:00.001-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
I have been having trouble enjoying my baths lately because of a question weighing heavily on my mind: Should I get a cellular telephone?

The answer seems obvious. If I had a "cell phone", I could post in my blog while out for a walk! I could ask attractive men and women for their phone numbers and have them enter the numbers directly into my phone! Then, while they walk away, I can phone them and say "See? I told you I would call! I am a unicorn of his word!"

Or perhaps I could get a "bluetooth headset" which would properly show the world that I am an important being. I could also program it to play tunes by Cyndi Lauper if I was in line at the post office and bored.

However, there is one major question remaining, and even my lavender-scented bubble bath cannot quell my doubts (I do all my best thinking in the bath) : Do cellular telephones cause brain cancer???

I simply do not know the answer to this question! And until then, I unfortunately cannot purchase a cellular telephone. Of course, since I am a unicorn I cannot get a brain tumour, but imagine how terrible I would feel if one of my friends or even a stranger had cause to borrow my telephone, and got brain cancer from it!?!?

This is the same reason why I do not smoke cigars around babies.

Baron Snarls and I make up and are friends again

2010-05-16T18:47:00.005-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
Many apologies my exceptionally beautiful and patient readers for this delay in blogging!

Today I had planned to finish the story of how my werewolf friend Baron Snarls von Muchteeth humiliated me at the opera on Tuesday.

However, since I posted PART ONE, Baron Snarls and I have made up. He brought me some magnificent bleeding heart flowers for my garden, to represent his own figurative bleeding heart from the rift in our friendship!

So, all is well and I have completely forgiven him for The Incident.

That makes a spectacular end to this post so, Baron Snarls, if you are reading this, you can definitely stop reading it because the post is finished and there is no more post to it. All other readers, you can keep reading below if you like, even though it would be silly because my post is finished and there is nothing written below that might upset Baron Snarls.

Hee hee hee okay now that Baron Snarls has stopped reading I will tell you the rest. Hee hee did you see what I did there? So clever!!! Some days I impress even myself, and those are the days that end in Y!

So, after seeing how much fun I was having at the opera when I drank Mountain Dew, my werewolf friend decided to get some beer. However, he quickly discovered that although the opera house had 17 different kinds of wine, they only had one particular brand of beer, and no Guinness whatsoever (I do recommend never standing between an Irish werewolf and his Guinness).

In revenge, he bought every single bottle of wine owned by the opera house and flushed it down the toilet. Then he took over the drinks counter and posted this sign:

Werewolves are embarrassing to have as friends sometimes

2010-05-12T19:11:00.005-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
Last night, because I am an extremely cultured and intelligent unicorn, I went to the opera! My friend Baron Snarls von Muchteeth and I saw Wagner's THE FLYING DUTCHMAN in the big city of Toronto, Canada.

Right now I am sure that my favourite readers (i.e.: all of you!) are thinking to themselves, "Well well well that sounds like a lovely evening! It could not possibly be embarrassing because both of those friends are titled nobility: a unicorn Prince and a werewolf Baron! So clearly they would know their opera manners."

I am very sorry to explain to you that this time you are mistaken. Alas, my werewolf friend does not know how to behave in public.

Firstly, he noticed that after I drank two glasses of Mountain Dew I was having much more fun. I put on roller skates and skated down the stairs of the Four Seasons Centre and then I even skated through the gift shop touching all of the scarfs to see which ones felt the most soft and pretty (it was a tie between all of them). Everyone was admiring my grace and one dashing gentleman in a tuxedo bought me a scarf and said "This is for you, because of the joy you bring" and I said "Thank you" because I know my manners (unlike SOME WEREWOLVES).

So, the Baron thought: "Well, if ShimmerShine is enjoying his drinks, I should have some beer!"

This is where the trouble of the evening began!!!

O, I have to go, I see some racoons in my garden. I wonder if they are the ones who stole my plants?? I will finish this story next time.

Someone has stolen my plant!!!

2010-05-09T20:25:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
Two years ago, one of my plants vanished, and then was mysteriously returned days later. Because plants are unable to talk, he never did tell me what happened to him.

Now has it happened again? Tonight I went out in my backyard to enjoy the rain and sing songs like "Singin' in the Rain" and "Raindrops Keep Fallin on My Head" and this is the scene that greeted me:

It seems that someone has stolen my plant. (Hence the title of today's post!)

As you can see, I have documented the scene of the crime quite well and I am certain that my skills as a forensic investigation hobbyist will assist me in discovering what has taken place.

My first clue: the large chunk of stick left behind by the thief. What could it mean????

Never was a story of more woe

2010-05-06T20:00:00.000-04:00

from unicornprince.blogspot.com:
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a pet.

I love dogs, so I asked my good friend the werewolf Baron Snarls von MuchTeeth if he would change into wolf form and hang out in my backyard with me. He could sleep in my kitchen on a towel, and from time to time I would feed him.

I would also give him a new name that was less scary than MuchTeeth, perhaps Princess or Juliet. O, I like Juliet! This is a good one.

Unfortunately he declined, but not before I snapped this photograph!!

I thought about keeping one of my centipedes as a pet but they are pretty ugly.