from unicornprince.blogspot.com: O my last night on The Bachelorette was quite the shocking experience!!! It turns out that dreamy Player contestant Justin "Rated R" Rego actually has two girlfriends and did not want to marry Alie after all!!! HE WAS TELLING LIES THE WHOLE TIME.
After letting the suprise digest overnight I thought to myself, "How would I handle this situation if it happened to me?"
I believe it is important to prepare for these things, especially since my application to The Bachelor is nearly submitted.
The Steps I Would Take If Lied To On The Bachelor A thoughtful report by ShimmerShine Moondreams
I would turn fuscia, since this is the colour I am when I am sad
I would rent a hovercraft to chase him around the gardens of Turkey (this is where Ali failed!! Always have a hovercraft in wait)
I would create a "Feelings Chart" (similar to a Feelings Letter) to properly express myself and hand it to my former love. For example it might look like this:
from unicornprince.blogspot.com: So recently I was in the beautiful Quebecois city of Montreal!! Here are a few highlights of my trip:
I went to Old Montreal and took my turn pulling a newlywed couple on a horse and buggy ride (make that UNICORN and buggy, tee hee). My hooves went CLIPPITY CLOP CLOP across the cobblestone streets and I sang them all of the French songs I knew (Helene by Roch Voisine, and Frere Jacques). Baron Snarls von Muchteeth loped along beside us! You cannot see the buggy in this photo because I took the photo as I was pulling it.
Fellow blogger Michelle and I toured the Metro (aka the subway for you Anglos!) and marveled at the beautiful advertisements. "Oooh la la!!!" I thought to myself, "I should purchase an iPad since clearly they are fashionable, if Les Quebecois enjoy them!"
I auditioned for Cirque du Soleil by first shoplifting a steak knife from a local restaurant. Normally I would have offered compensation for the knife but alas I did not know the French for "I need to borrow this steak knife for an acrobatics audition."
I used the knife to carefully cut my way into one of these beautiful tents (do not worry, I patched them up with duct tape). Then I laced up my ballet shoes and went to find the trapeze!! Unfortunately I got distracted by some delicious cotton candy and never had a chance to perform my routine, but it was worth it. The cotton candy was PINK!
from unicornprince.blogspot.com: I had so very much commentary for you this week on the dreaminess of the various Bachelorette contestants. But then it was all lost in a haze of new love as I watched the group date in Iceland!!!!
I have written a poem to express my feelings.
Ode to Icelandic Pony #5 by ShimmerShine Moondreams Unicorn Prince
from unicornprince.blogspot.com: A woman was recently mistaken for Canadian pop chaunter Justin Bieber!!
I am a huge fan of Bieber. Why does this never happen to me??
I have even perfected his signature just in case a fan mistakes me for Bieber and asks me for an autograph (I would not want to disappoint the fans, since I am extremely altruistic).
Before I start I should note that for you non-Bachelorette loving readers (how silly you are!!) I will indeed be posting my regular life observations as well this week.It has just been such an amazingly complex season of The Bachelorette so far that it has taken all of my emotional and artistic energy to capture the goings on.I still have some excellent stories about my trip to Montreal for you all so look for those soon!
But now, on to THE BACHELORETTE and her eleven immeasurably dreamy hunks!
O my I think Kasey is my new favourite.Sorry, Justin “Rated R” Rego but sometimes my heart is a fickle one!
Kasey is working down my list of traits I desire in a mate.Check it out!
1.Romantic discourse:“It’s just my heart.Jump in.Stay awhile.”
2.Artistry:He create impromptu melodic poetry of song, a capella!!!Many lotharios resort to accompanying themselves on guitar or ukulele, but Kasey sang without any backup.So confident, so dreamy!
3.Romantic gestures: He got a tattoo for Ali!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4.Protectiveness: He promised multiple times to guard Ali’s heart.O sigh sigh sigh I wish he would guard mine.
I also have to express my appreciation for Cape Cod Chris, and his shout-out!He rightly noted that Kasey sees Ali as “butterflies in a meadow” and “unicorn love” and my o my he is correct.What a perfect description!And I am so pleased that he “tipped his hat” as they say at me, since I am likely his favourite unicorn viewer.
Also, the date with Cape Cod Chris was incredibly romantic.Joshua Radin’s dulcet whispering tones!!And then, o what a beautiful surprise, a gospel choir backing him up!I have often said that there is nothing in the world more romantic and sexy than a gospel choir.
Dear Bacheloretteproducers: Please select me as a contestant for your next season, or possibly as a surprise guest for this season???
from unicornprince.blogspot.com: As a unicorn I have an astute "people sense" and can see through someone's eyes and into their soul and character. This greatly facilitates my enjoyment of reality television such as American Idol and The Bachelorette.
In preparation for tonight's episode of The Bachelorette I have been doing some research! Justin the wrestler with the broken foot intrigued me immediately. I knew that he was a genuine Bad Boy with admirable flirting skills, and now I have found proof.
Justin is no stranger to reality television, for he was previously on the Canadian show Keys to the VIP, in which two charming men compete to see how many women they can seduce in a nightclub, to prove they are "A Player"!!
You can watch the entire episode with Justin "Rated R" Rego on the Comedy Network's website here. Justin is incredibly attractive with his dreamy soul patch and numerous pickup lines.
Oooo I wish I were Ali the Bachelorette this season so he would use his pickup lines on ME!!
Today I was thinking: I would love to go on the amazing dates featured on The Bachelorette. My friend and fellow blogger Michelle recently applied to be on the show, and I realized that I should probably apply to be on the programme myself!
I looked up the application questionnaire have drafted my reply.
THE BACHELOR / BACHELORETTE
GUY QUESTIONNAIRE
Name:Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams
Do you have a valid passport?Yes and I promise it is possibly *not* a forgery!
How did you hear about our search:
I went to your website to find out how I could sign up and go on fabulous dates.
Occupation:Wayward unicorn prince and poet
Annual salary:I do not feel this question is relevant because I do not wish to meet dates who want me only for my money!!
Cell #N/A – I do not wish to encourage the spread of brain tumours so I cannot answer this one either.
Work # - I do not work there yet but I am sure that by the time you read this application, I will be a harpist for the Toronto Symphony Orchestra and you can contact me at their offices
Birthdate:Hee hee hee not going to tell!
Height:17 hands
Weight:Light as a feather when I am in love!!
Home #Oh my you ask for a lot of numbers before I have even gone on any dates.
Fax #I do not have a facsimile machine but if you require one for my dates I will be happy to use one
Age:Sneaky sneaky sneaky this is another way of asking my birthdate, isn’t it?
Hair Color:O, I change colours with my mood so it could be any colour of the rainbow.Since I will be in love on this television show likely I will be lilac purple.
Eye Color:See above re: lilac purple
What is your highest level of education:I personally believe there is no highest level of education and that everyone should strive to be his or her best.
Degree(s):360 degrees when it comes to love!
School(s) Attended:I once studied etiquette at the court of Queen Victoria
Are you a legal resident of the United States?No but I am a big fan of Hollywood
Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type?Yes.
If so, please give details and dates:My most recent crime was attempting to shoot the postman but accidentally shooting myself in the hoof instead.I have since been released and am on my best behaviour.They also confiscated my gun so please do not ask me to go hunting or show off my marksmanship until I get a new one.
Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against you?Yes.
If so, please give details and dates:Well, they said it was permanent but I am sure that Art Garfunkel will reconsider when he hears my melodious singing along to Bridge Over Troubled Water at his concert next month!
Have you ever been a performer, participant or contestant on television, radio or in film?O yes
If yes, please explain.I had the opportunity to work with Mister Tom Cruise in the film Legend.I am also a performer and regular favourite in my neighbourhood of Old North in London, Ontario, where I entertain my neighbours with poetry, dance, and glass harmonica.
Do you drink alcoholic beverages?No, I prefer spring water and Mountain Dew
Have you ever been married?No!I know that is shocking but it is actually the truth
Have you ever been divorced?No, but I would like to be.Ever since I saw the film Kramer vs. Kramer I have thought that divorce hearings look extremely exciting.
Are you genuinely looking to get married?Yes!!O, yes indeed I can even show you my wedding scrapbook and the sewing patterns I have picked out for my wedding veil if you would like some proof!!
Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction.O, he or she would be very physically attractive of course.Personality wise he or she would be just like me: intelligent, artistic, and a bit of a bad boy/girl!
How many serious relationships have you been in?O dear I would have to check my diary to tell you the exact number.
What happened to end those relationships?The cruel hand of fate
What are your hobbies?Bubble baths, playing music, writing poetry, falling in love, swimming the Thames River, forensic investigation, and I am thinking about taking up shepherding, because I know I could come up with the cutest names for all my sheep!Perhaps I would name them after past Canadian Prime Ministers.
What is the unique talent of which you are most proud?When I sneeze my snot turns into glitter.This is why I am always invited to birthday parties.
List the 3 adjectives that best describe you:Splendid, magnificent, glorious!
Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?NO but If I decided to get one it would be on my rump and it would be a picture of myself with writing underneath saying: IF YOU CAN ONLY SEE THIS RUMP, CHECK OUT THIS TATTOO BECAUSE IT IS A PORTRAIT OF THE ENTIRE UNICORN AND HE IS VERY ATTRACTIVE.
What accomplishment are you most proud of?I once danced a waltz to music composed for a tango!
Why would you be a great husband?I would pick up groceries every day, whether we needed them or not.
Why are you America’s Most Eligible Bachelor?I have written a poem about it:
from unicornprince.blogspot.com: Here is the first issue of the newspaper I am editing! Please click to view it full size; I do very much hope you enjoy it.
This is possibly my longest post ever and it was written in collaboration with Baron Snarls von Muchteeth!!Now that the delightful Via Rail offers complimentary wireless that occasionally functions, I bet you will be seeing much more of my “Liveblogging from the train” posts so I hope you enjoy this one!!!
(NOTE: I actually am posting this after I got home, since the complimentary wireless went down around Hour Six of my trip.)
I am travelling from Montreal, Quebecto London, Ontario in an approximate 9-hour trip.I have several hours left and I must say, I think that 9 hours is the perfect number of hours for a train trip.In the past, my longest trip has been 7.5 hours and that was not long enough to truly discover all the pleasures that a train ride has to offer.
O dear I must pause to wipe werewolf spit off my laptop computer monitor.I forgot to mention that Baron Snarls von Muchteeth is travelling with me and he has a VERY POOR ATTITUDE which he just chose to express by spitting on this blog post.While I adore my friend perhaps we are not the best “travel buddies” because he finds so many things to complain about!!
I will present for you a chronological timeline of Snarls’ frustrations:
In Montreal, Snarls discovered his new favourite beer, Boreale Noire, which he claims is a lovely stout (I know it cannot be as delicious as Mountain Dew or as pure spring water kissed by the sunshine).And so he purchased a case to take home with us and then complained about the weight in his suitcase.Personally I think a werewolf with his parahuman strength should be able to carry a few dozen beers—he is clearly a “whiner baby” hee hee hee.
When we got to the train station, we waited in line.I love waiting in line because it is excellent for people-watching.We discovered that the large group of teenagers who shared our floor in our hotel were also in line with us!!They had a magnificent trophy that they had recently won in a sporting activity.When I saw them, I gasped aloud with glee!“O excellent,” I thought, “Now their delightful voices which serenaded us throughout our hotel stay in Montreal will also accompany us on the train!”Snarls was less impressed.Sometimes I worry about him, for he does not seem to feel pleasure in the same way I do.
Snarls was also upset that no one told us we had to check our baggage.His argument was that since he has travelled 6,000 times with Via Rail before and never had to check baggage, he could not have known to check it, since there was no notice during his purchase or on our tickets.I understand his point, but at the same time feel it is our responsibility to become aware by making educated guesses and phoning the company in advance to ask “Will we have to check luggage even though we never have before?Will there be working bathrooms on this train?Will we need to wear only the colour purple before being allowed to board?”(O my I was so excited when I thought of this last one – imagine a whole train full of beautiful people in purple sparkles!But alas that was not the case the phone operator said we could wear any colour we desired.) (I desired purple of course so I have purple ribbons in my tail RIGHT NOW)
Then, Snarls said “Oh dear” (he did not say this, actually he said something quite vulgar beginning with the letter F) “I have a case of beer in my suitcase, when you check my suitcase will you handle it with care?”The Via Rail lady said no and in fact, we would have to remove the beer from our suitcases.Snarls looked a bit ferocious at this so she explained:
“Of course you can’t have any liquid in your suitcase at all.Your suitcase might leak all over someone ELSE’s suitcase WHICH MIGHT HAVE A WEDDING DRESS IN IT.”
Even Snarls could not argue with this logic, so we took all of the beer out of his suitcase and repacked it in my backpack.We took all of my books and treats and my sweater out of my backpack and put it in Snarls’ suitcase.
Then, the Via Rail lady was worried we were going to drink the beer!Snarls told her that since it was originally packed in the suitcase, likely we were not planning to drink it.She countered with this fine argument:
“Well, you didn’t know you were going to check the suitcase, did you?So maybe you were going to keep your suitcase on the train and get drunk from it.You can purchase alcoholic beverages once on board but you cannot drink from your backpack.”
I pointed out to Snarls that her argument was sound.He glared at me but was quiet from then on.
When we boarded the train eventually in Montreal, we were told that under no circumstances were we to leave the platform once we disembarked in Toronto to transfer to our London train.We were to get off the train in Toronto, walk up the platform to the baggage car, and take our suitcases from there, then get on the next train.We were told no less than three times that we must remain on the platform and absolutely do not leave it.
Five hours later we disembarked in Toronto.Wheee!!!!!!!I love using the steps on a train.My hooves go cloppity clop clop.O, Snarls is reading over my shoulder and claims that I have lost the point of the story.
When we disembarked in Toronto, we were yelled at.We were told we absolutely cannot stay on the platform, we had to get downstairs to pick up our luggage in time for our next train!!!Of course, the train attendant reasoned, we should have asked about this in Montreal and known about it in advance.We had to take the stairs down and then cross to the baggage area to pick up our baggage.
When we got there, I asked the Baggage Woman, “Once we pick up our baggage, how do we reboard?”She said “You don’t have to wait in the line, since you’re transferring just go up the first escalator right in front of us, and you will be there.”“Excellent!!!” Snarls and I yelled.We were excited to board before anyone else.
After a nice long wait in which I tried to get Snarls to sing the campfire round “Make new friends / But keep the old / One is silver and the other’s gold” we got to retrieve our baggage.(I love baggage.It’s so brightly coloured!And sometimes I forget what I packed, so it’s like having a present with unimaginable treasures inside!)
When we retrieved our baggage. We went to the first escalator in front of us, as instructed by the Baggage Lady.“How odd,” we thought.“This is a DOWN escalator.”We briefly thought about climbing it as fast as we could, but then Snarls said “She must have meant the next escalator of course.”
The next escalator was not working, so we climbed it carrying our heavy baggage which included my backpack filled with a case of beer.When we got to the top the track was deserted and we were very confused.We climbed back down the escalator, and then were spoken to quite sternly by some sort of Escalator Man who said we had to go get into line 16.
We stood in line 16 for 45 minutes.It was a pretty good line, I must say!We had the longest one.I counted everyone else’s line and ours had at least 40 people more!!!!I yelled to Snarls “Bingo, we win!!!JACKPOT LONGEST LINE!!!!” and then he stopped speaking to me until we got on the train.
Update:O excellent, Snarls has calmed down!We were told to look in the menu book to see what we might like to order from the trolley.Snarls has discovered this train carries Guinness, so he is now happy and eagerly awaiting the trolley.
Update #2:The train is completely out of Guinness.I am a little worried that Snarls will smash this computer so I should probably shut it down and finish this post.
Update #3:I restarted the computer so that Snarls could play solitaire.However, in his anger his hands have turned to claws, so he was destroying the keyboard and I confiscated it back.I do worry about him sometimes, because we have such different life philosophies.Take this train ride as an example.He has been cranky and grumpy, and says that Via Rail’s conflicting instructions have been confusing and annoying.I pointed out to him the truth that should be obvious to him: Via Rail is actually invested in our mental health.To stave off diseases such as dementia and Alzheimer’s, it can be helpful to do crossword puzzles and play Scrabble and other such “mind games.”In the same one, Via Rail constantly keeps us on our toes!!With all of the different instructions, taking the train is a giant puzzle to keep our minds sharp and active.It is for this reason that I truly commend their company and I will do this little jig for them.O dear I wish you could see my jig, I am just about to do it in the aisle of the train and it will be magnificent.
Update #4 from Baron Snarls von Muchteeth:He is seriously doing a fucking jig right now.I hate my fucking life.God, everyone is staring at us.This is so embarrassing.ALSO Shimms didn’t mention but when I went pee the train toilet SPLASHED MY PISS OUT OF THE TOILET IN A GIANT ONE-FOOT HIGH SPURT and I barely jumped out of the way on time so it only hit me on the foot.
Update #5 from ShimmerShine: Snarls has told me that if I don’t leave his update intact, including the swearing and the urine story, we will no longer be friends.I can of course respect that but I must add my own thoughts, which are: I cannot believe his urine story.While he may despise Via Rail, clearly the train toilets were NOT designed to splash his urine at him.He is either lying or hallucinating.
Another edit:I have won my argument with Snarls about the quality of Via Rail’s transportation efforts!It is currently 1am and they just announced that our train will only be 25 minutes late this trip to London!!!I am excited to get home only 25 minutes later than planned at approximately 2am.Snarls was so pleased with this as well that he did not use profanity at all.
Snarls’ edit #2: Uh Shimms I didn’t say anything because it was fucking 1am and I was ASLEEP.
from unicornprince.blogspot.com: I am very sorry to lose Canadian Craig! I was hoping for him and the Weatherman as the Final Two. Although I am a pacifist most of the time, I do think it is incredibly romantic when two men fight over a woman and I was hoping to see a good fistfight or even a “war of words” between these gentlemen.
O, I was deliriously happy to see Ali’s dates, however, and this nearly made up for it. SHE GOT TO KISS UNDER THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN. I have wanted to do this for so long but never succeeded. The closest I got was my planned meet-up with James Dean (before his death of course) when we were both arrested for attempting to spray-paint each letter a different beautiful colour of the rainbow. I knew we should have done our kissing before our beautification project.
And then flying to Vegas and driving a hot sports car and swimming in a pool no one has swum in before! How exclusive. I wonder, if I got a pool in my backyard, would I get to swim in it the very first? Or would the pool installation men have to test it out before I could take my turn? I shall have to inquire about this. I will also inquire about whether they can make the water pink and fizzy.
