My Bloody Valentine 3D

Note: throughout this post to illustrate how my fur changes colour with emotion, I will tell you the colour of my fur during each event!

I just came from seeing My Bloody Valentine 3D which was wonderful (royal blue: happiness)! I truly felt a part of the action and I kept trying to grab the pick axes with my hooves (lime green: courage). A beautiful young lady in front of me said that I was grabbing her head and could I please stop, so I asked her out on a date (lavender: romantic)! She said she would get back to me after the film with her decision. Alas, after the film we lost each other in the crowd. Sometimes love is not meant to be (magenta: lovesick).

I feel like my real life echoed the film, as in the film the killer ripped hearts out of chests and put them in candy boxes, and sometimes in life I feel as though my heart has been ripped out (pink: sad), and I like candy (in boxes or also in plastic bags).

However, I noticed a loose end in the film! At this point my fur turned green (denoting intelligence).

(SPOILERS AHEAD RIGHT HERE BE CAREFUL IF YOU DO NOT ENJOY SPOILERS) We are supposed to think that Tom Hanniger went crazy and killed everyone with pick axes! However, I noticed that he had been locked in a cage during one of the murders. This means he could not do it, unless the filmmakers were intentionally deceiving us! Also, I noticed that the Black Guy was still alive at the end of the film.

Clearly, the filmmakers were setting us up for a sequel! I bet they have not written this sequel yet, so if I write it first, Hollywood will want my version and I will become famous. I bet they will even let me do a cameo. O, I should write in a small part for a young male unicorn, and then they will cast me for sure!

Also in my sequel Tom has been renamed Jensen because it is a beautiful name.

MBV3D 2: The Black Guy Really Did It All Along

FADE IN, IN 3D:

Old spooky mine in 3D! JENSEN, an extremely attractive human male, is wearing a mining costume. He removes his mask. Standing next to him looking scared are SARAH, SARAH’S SON, SHERRIFF AXEL, and THE BLACK GUY.

JENSEN

Hey there moviegoers! I’m pretty sure that I’m not crazy and I didn’t kill anyone in the first movie. So I am back in the mine wearing this creepy costume to prove it. When the REAL killer sees me dressed as a creepy miner, he will be so confused he will admit everything. I have brought along the leftover people from the first movie.

SARAH

Please Jensen, please don’t hurt me! I have a son!

JENSEN

I know. And he might be the killer.

[Screenwriter’s note: I was very sad that Jensen didn’t get to sing in the first film! So I have decided that the sequel will have songs in it, Bollywood style.]

JENSEN removes his creepy mask and mining suit. Underneath he is wearing a most dapper golden sequin straight jacket! He dislocates his arms and removes them from the straight jacket. He picks up the pickaxe and uses it as a microphone.

JENSEN

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

JENSEN continues to sing. Meanwhile, a HANDSOME UNICORN happens by and wanders into the scene. JENSEN and HANDSOME UNICORN do a lovely dance together with the pickaxe. SHERRIF AXEL joins in.

JENSEN, SHERRIF AXEL and HANDSOME UNICORN

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

SARAH

Oh, all three of you are so handsome! I do not know who to choose!

THE BLACK GUY looks at the camera furtively and then sneaks away under the cover of the song!!

TO BE CONTINUED...

My pre-Valentine's Day diet

Tonight I started a diet! Recently, I have had several friend approach me and say, "Why ShimmerShine, you are looking most becoming? Have you lost weight?" but I am quite sure that I have NOT lost weight!

So I thought that since Valentine's Day is coming up, perhaps I should! Clearly, I look quite dashing already, but it is true that losing a few pounds can make certain gravity-suspending sexual positions slightly easier on one's lover.

I am very proud of myself for following my new eating plan! Tonight shortly before midnight, I put my plan into action. It went like this:

ShimmerShine: "O look, a chip truck! I would like some poutine."
ShimmerShine (yes me again, this is a conversation with myself): "No, you will get FAT. Also it is all the way on the other side of the street."
ShimmerShine: "O, I guess I will keep walking then."

I feel that if I were to have a middle name (I do not currently), it would be "SELF CONTROL".

Here are some other things I need to do before the BIG DAY:

1. Buy sexy lingerie
2. Read the personal ads to find a date
3. Clean my house, particularly the bedroom and my favourite closet in the basement
   
4. Post on my blog that I am looking for a date
5. Burn a mix CD of romantic tunes
6. Practice my pickup lines
7. Write to Miss Manners for romantic date etiquette tips
8. Register for the Romeo's Run Valentine's Day Couple's Relay Race
   

A Quick Guide to Unicorn Emotions by Colour

An anonymous poster recently asked me why I mentioned in one post that I had white fur, but in most of my other posts I have blue or lavender fur!

The answer is very simple: unicorns do not always remain the same colour! Like a beautiful rainbow our colours can change with our moods. Humans might think this is embarrassing, like when they blush when a cute boy or girl walks by, or when they are caught singing the chorus of the most catchy Matt Nathanson song "Answering Machine" while on the toilet.

However, unicorns find this to be most freeing. This way, everyone knows our emotions and can celebrate these emotions with us! We are exceedingly fortunate.

Below I have posted for you a quick guide to unicorn emotion by colour. These are the emotions that I encounter most frequently. Of course, there are many other emotions and different sumptuous shades that accompany them.

Other romantic things for Valentine's: Hypercolour Shirts!

Since I am sure that the resplendence of Valentine's Day approaching will bring me a date and perhaps even a whirlwind romance, I am getting my supplies ready!

I have ordered whipped cream, silk scarves, chocolate fondue, candles and rose petals, crime scene tape, and a beautiful hypercolour shirt like they had in the 1980s!

In the 1980s I admit I did not have a great deal of luck with romance. So I unfortunately never got the chance to enact one of my greatest sexual fantasies, which was to make passionate love while wearing a hypercolour shirt!

The shirt would change colour where our bodies were hottest! I have a beautiful image in my mind of how the shirt will look like the car window in the film Titanic, when Rose and Jack consummate their love and there is a hand print on the window.

Bathing in sweet romantic bubbles

Wow wow wow, I think that the 7-foot Champagne Glass Whirlpool Bath-for-Two is one of the most romantic creations ever!

I have reserved this suite at the Ponoco Palace for Valentine's Day (February 14th). I am not currently dating anyone, but it never hurts to plan ahead.

Undoing life mistakes

I enjoyed watching the United States Presidential Inauguration yesterday, and I hope you did too! Of course I was sad that the lovely Sarah Palin did not get to play her flute with the quartet, but I know not everything at one of these events can be perfection.

Speaking of, how embarrassing was the Chief Justice John Roberts messing up Obama's oath of office! He retook the oath today, making sure that the word "faithfully" was in the correct spot.

This makes me think, wouldn't it be wonderful if the rest of us could redo mistakes? I have also been watching the Canadian TV show Being Erica, which is also about going into the past and fixing mistakes, except hers are mostly about sex.

What would I fix if I had the chance? The time I got arrested for trying to shoot the mailman? No, I made many good friends in jail, so I cannot undo this. Perhaps the time I almost drowned while trying to swim the Thames? But no, I got a lovely kiss from a fireman afterward. This is most difficult! Mayhap because in life even our worst choices have beautiful silver linings?

What else might I undo?

• The perm I had in the 1980s (my mane perm never quite matched my tail perm despite the attempts of several diligent stylists)


• Backing HD-DVD instead of Blu-Ray


• The time I tried to eat a tablespoon of cinnamon (I do not regret trying it, but I regret not filming it for a hilarious viral YouTube video UNICORN ATTEMPTS TO EAT CINNAMON AND FAILS)


• Backing Beta instead of VHS


• Spilling all that goat's blood at prom (it was so hard to wash out of my normally pristine white fur! Should have gone with pig's blood)


• Meeting John Travolta and getting him mixed up with Mark Hamill, so that I asked him to sign my Luke Skywalker action figure (he signed it "L. Ron 4EVA")


• Backing cylinder records instead of disk records


• Forgetting to set my DVR to record Intervention last week


• That time I left the house without pants and didn't realize until I got to work (it was okay because I also forgot my bow tie, so they didn't notice my lack of pants, but there sure was a moment of panic there!)

How do a unicorn's fantasies compare to a woman's?

Sometimes I enjoy reading Men's Health, as I find it very informative! Because I am bisexual, it is perfect for me--there are photos of hot men, and also articles about how to have great sex with women!

The article Make Her Fantasies Come True was particularly illuminating for me, as it lists 15 fantasies that all human women have! I was curious: how do I compare to human women? Do we have the same fantasies?

1. Shower before bed.

I agree 80% with this fantasy. Cleanliness is a turn on for sure, but why shower when you can take a delicious raspberry bubble bath? (The is the extra 20% that would put me in agreement.)

2. Talk dirtier.

Perhaps this makes me a prude but I prefer lovely poetry and no profanity.

3. Mow the lawn in jeans and no shirt so I can play desperate housewife from the window.
Then come inside smelling of fresh-cut grass, sweat, and pheromones, and make love to me on the dining-room table.

Indeed! However, try not to mow all of the clover and you can make us matching clover chain tiaras and we can run around the table and role play that we are at the Academy Awards except with tiaras made of flowers instead of diamonds, and we are winning the Oscar for Best Sex!

4. Ask me to perform yoga poses naked.
I've been preparing for it every week while bent over and staring through my legs at the mirror on the yoga-studio wall. This is not a performance I'll volunteer for. I need a little encouragement, goading even, but I will give in. And you'll especially like the views when I'm in camel pose and standing bow.

O, yes yes yes!!! How did Men's Health know me so well? I think yoga is incredibly sexy and I know that showing off my body in this manner will turn me on. In particular I would like to show my man the Karnapidasana, or "Ear Pressure Pose" pictured above. Delicious! However, Men's Health is correct that I can be a little shy and frequently require goading. I am not able to comprehend how Jezebel Magazine disagreed with this suggestion.

5. Slide your hand up my skirt when you're following me upstairs.

O, what an excellent idea. I should perhaps start wearing skirts. I bet petticoats would be so exciting!!

6. Confess your latest sexual fantasy.

I always recommend this. Sometimes I think it would be fun to have a radio show, in which we all discuss our fantasies, and use radio voices! Maybe I could use a German accent. Tee hee no one would know it was me! I could confess so many sensational things.

7. Read up on sex.

I agree.

8. Ambush me in the shower and direct a strong stream of warm water precisely at my clitoris. Adjust your aim even as I giggle and squirm around the tub. I've done this by myself, plenty of times, but having you do it to me is way sexier and a hundred times more fun.

I do not have a clitoris.

9. Make your move the second we walk in the door.

Yes, but only if I am not carrying heavy packages, or cakes! It would be so embarassing if I spilled a cake and ruined the icing.

10. Ask to take black-and-white photos of me naked.
I want you to, but I'm not so cocky as to suggest that my body could be a work of art. That's why I need you to do it for me. Bring it up after we've had sex. Tell me that the curve of my hips needs to be immortalized. Then, one rainy Saturday night, produce a bottle of wine and a camera.

Men's Health knows me perfectly! The curve of my hips definitely needs to be immortalized. Fortunately I am immortal. But photographic evidence of my attractiveness cannot hurt. We could put it above the mantel if my lover and I had a house with a fireplace.

11. Treat sex like a buffet.

I cannot argue with this.

12. Sit back on your heels from the missionary position and caress my legs slowly, from ankle to thigh. When you take the time to stroke my body thoughtfully during sex, it lets me know that you're savoring the experience as something meaningful to you.

O, also please stroke my tail! It tickles so wonderfully. And if you have a hoof pick I enjoy having my hooves cleaned during sex, it's magical, there are wondrous pressure points in the hooves.

13. Buy more of those snug, gray boxers with the buttons on the crotch. I want to work them open with my teeth.

Grey is not my favourite colour, sorry.

14. Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They'll think we have a smokin' sex life. Other women will wish they had a guy like you. That will make me feel very lucky, and very horny.

This is true! I am a big fan of PDA which stands for "Public Displays of Affection". They prove to everyone that my relationship is sexy and true and will last forever.

15. Get me drunk on champagne, prop me up on the hood of your car, and eat me like an apple.

Apples are delicious!!! I am not sure which part of the female anatomy is the apple in this situation, however. Both knees and breasts can resemble apples so this imagery is confusing.

16. Reward me for folding your T-shirts and cleaning the drain by making one long night of sex all about me.

I prefer all nights of sex to be about me. We unicorns are extremely ethical at heart but sometimes selfish in matters of love.

17. Watch me shave my legs.

I prefer not to shave my legs because my fur is glorious. But if I did I am sure an audience while shaving would be a huge fantasy of mine!

18. Maneuver me into 69 at least once a month. Sometimes with me on top, sometimes you. Sometimes on our sides. And, at least once in our lives—when you've been lifting and I'm at my lightest weight—standing up with my thighs on top of your shoulders.

Unicorn legs do not bend that way, alas.

Is Luke Doucet my latest delicious musician crush?

I cannot decide if the chicken head will interfere with the consummation of our love?

Swimming the Thames: Attempt #2

On New Year's Eve I tried to swim the Thames River, but instead experienced a near drowning and an inappropriate but TASTY kiss from a fireman.

I thought perhaps this was a sign that swimming the Thames was not for me, but that kissing definitely was. However today I read this beautiful quotation:

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
--Winston Churchill

How very true!! This quotation by Mister Churchill gave me the strength to continue my aquatic quest.

However, this time I will be even smarter. I will train for my swim, and also to avoid another potential drowning scenario, I have placed a "REST STOP" halfway across the river. You can see this addition of my "REST STOP" in the photograph below:

Cabbage soup diet

Those of you who have met me in person know that I cut an extremely dashing figure and have an excellent body fat ratio. However, from time to time I like to diet, to keep my horn on the pulse of popular culture and trends.

So today I went to iVillage's diet reference page, and picked a diet that sounded interesting. This week I will be doing the Cabbage Soup Diet! It sounds very simple:

Eat as much cabbage soup as you desire for seven days and lose 10 to 15 pounds.

I made some cabbage soup this evening and it did not look very appetizing, so I added sparkles. Sparkles will be my secret ingredient! I think they might even be negative calories, since they are so magical, which means my diet is even better than the original.

A ticker to help me stay law-abiding

I love how many people on the information superhighway have those charming little tickers, counting down how much weight they need to lose or how long their baby has been breastfeeding!

I thought I would make one myself, as a special present and incentive to remind me that I do not wish to return to jail.

I hope you like it! Below I explain the symbolism for you.

The rainbow is because I love rainbows and the pot of gold represents my bail money. The scales of justice are for justice.

New types of poems for the heartbroken!

I am so enthralled by how my post about 6 word life poems has taken off!

My commenters have posted many delightfully angst-filled poems in the comments and I have spent many an hour today reading them out loud, sometimes quietly in a whisper, with soft music playing in the background.

I thought it might be fun to share some more types of poetry! Readers who have seen this blog for a while already know about my love of the Haiku and the limerick.

One of my other favourites is the acrostic poem. You get to use letters to spell out words!! Check it out, here is one of my sad ones:

Life
Isn't
Fair,
Emotionally

Love
Only
Vitiates
Everything

Surely
Unicorns,
Immortal,
Cannot
Intend
Death
Either

In related news, there is a museum where you can send stuff from a breakup! The Museum of Broken Relationships accepts items that you really cared about until your love dumped you and broke your heart. Since you do not want to throw out the precious token, you can give it to the museum!

Perhaps we should give them some of our poems? Or I could give it a bowl of popcorn I have been saving since my failed engagement.

My betrothed and I were sharing this bowl of popcorn while watching the film Cocoon. When it came to the end of the film, I noticed that my love was not crying. How can you not cry at the end of Cocoon??? As you can imagine, I confronted my intended, and heartbreak ensued.

The popcorn has a bit of mould but you can still smell the butter so I think the museum might like it.

I am thinking one like Alfred Kinsey's

I feel that I have an unusually high tolerance for pain that makes me particularly, if you will excuse the colloquialism, "badass". Sometimes, I like to run into electric fences just for fun!

Other times, I do it by accident, but please do not tell too many people that, as it is slightly embarrassing. I would like to keep it our secret within the "blogosphere" (this is a technical term I discovered last month and wrote down on a napkin, and today I was doing my laundry and discovered the napkin in my dressing gown pocket!).

But on the subject of pain: how do I prove my pain tolerance to the world, and particularly, to potential suitors who might admire me? I did survive a near-drowning last week, which is impressive, but I should use this momentum of "badassery" to soar my reputation to new heights!!

However: there are so many pain-related activities that I, as a male unicorn, cannot do! I cannot pull off my fingernails or toenails (a la torture films) because I have hooves instead. I cannot go through pregnancy, because I am not female. I cannot get waxed, because I have incredibly beautiful fur and I would not want to damage it.

Or wait...what if I did not get rid of my fur, but enhanced it, with a beautiful design??

I was most impressed with this Threadless shirt. A bear has shaved a dapper tie into his fur so that he looks ready for the office! How clever! And I could do this with my own fur!

Of course, I will wax a bow tie into my fur instead of a regular tie. We unicorns are classier than bears.

My life in 6 words

Not Quite What I Was Planning is a book that asks people and celebrities to sum up their lives in 6 words! Some examples in this Jezebel article and this USA Today article include:

Well, I thought it was funny.
- Stephen Colbert

Liars, hysterectomy didn't improve sex life!
- Joan Rivers

Followed yellow brick road. Disappointment ensued.
- Kelsey Ochs

I thought it might be enlightening to write my own! After many false starts I decided.

I truly believe that the quality that defines my life is my ability to remain cheerful and optimistic at all times, even when the worst possible things happen. So I think 6 words that sum up my attitude toward life might be:

Joy in everything, even anal rape.
- ShimmerShine Moondreams

Happy 2009!

So, does artificial respiration from a VERY cute firefighter count as a New Year's Eve kiss?

If so, I got lucky tonight!!