Sunday, November 30, 2008
Santa Claus boarded in Stratford with a gaggle of beautiful children. He was dressed in his red suit and had a beautiful curly white beard! He carried jingle bells and he led us all in a melodious performance of the Christmas songs Jingle Bells (the Batman version of course), Frosty the Snowman, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
When Santy saw me (I call him the nickname Santy because we are both magical, so unicorns are allowed this familiarity) he pointed me out to the children and everyone was so delighted!
We spent the short ride to St. Mary's singing and taking photos with the children. Unfortunately, I did not have a camera, so I can only share with you my drawing of myself and Santy as we cantered up and down the aisles of the train. I made the background green for Christmas.
At St. Mary's he and the children got off to greet Mrs. Claus and even more children. They all wanted me to come with them but alas my ticket said "London" so I could not leave the train. I did not wish to get into even more trouble with the law.
Happy early Christmas, everyone!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Here is a conversation I heard between a moderately chubby female concert-goer and the girl working the Hawksley Workman merchandise sales booth:
Customer: Could I get a "Fatty Says Dance" tshirt in large?
Salesgirl: We don't have them in large.
Customer: Can I see the medium then? A medium will fit me.
Salesgirl: Fatty Says Dance only comes in XL or XXL.
Customer: OH. I don't know WHY you would DO that.
Salesgirl: Would you like to try an XL?
Customer: Um, no, I definitely wouldn't fit an XL. I am NOT that BIG. A MEDIUM would fit me.
Salesgirl: Well they only come in XL or XXL, sorry.
Customer: How about the shirt with the flowers, is that girl sizes?
Salesgirl: Yes, it's American Apparel women's sizes.
Customer: Do you have XL in that? I'm NOT an XL in the Fatty shirts but the girl shirts are TOO SMALL for NORMAL people.
Salesgirl: Sorry, we're all out, we only have large, medium, or small.
Customer: FINE then I just won't GET a shirt.
A most disheartening encounter certainly, but she has no idea how difficult it is to be a unicorn! I have to get all of my concert tee shirts specially made. Or sometimes, I just rip holes in them for my legs and tail, which also works and gives them an authentic "punk" look. Sometimes I add safety pins even when I don't need to. This is extra punk!
Also I apologize to Mister Workman and the other concert-attendees. I made sure to sit in the balcony but apparently my magic was still too strong. Yes, the loss of sound halfway through the show was indeed my fault. This is one of the perils of having a unicorn at your concerts, but I hope the joy and wonder of my presence made up for it!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Concert: Hawksley Workman
Opener: Hey Rosetta!
Venue: London Music Hall, London, ON
Date: Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The evening began at The London Music Hall, where I saw Hey Rosetta! and Hawksley Workman. O, they were glorious!
I have seen Hey Rosetta!, one of my favourite bands (both for their music and their exclamation point) many times, but this was the first time I had seen Hawksley. He is most dreamy in person! Also, his mother wrote all his songs! I was not aware of this previously, but I am impressed.
My favourite part of the evening was the encore, when both bands together performed Your Beauty Must be Rubbing Off! Tim Baker of Hey Rosetta! and Hawksley took turns on the vocals. I also sang along very loudly and I am sure Hawksley noticed my melodious contribution.
After the show, I went to meet up with one of my blind dates from Craigslist!! This was the message he originally sent me:
hey, 19 m 6' muscular, are you up for a bubble bath right now?So we made plans to meet up at his place after the concert. I of course brought my beach towel and my favourite raspberry-scented bubble bath. I also brought my gun, because...why not?
His house was a beautiful estate home on Commissioners at Carnegie. I was a little worried by the sign outside that said "Party Mansion - Nothing Sexual" because while I like parties, I was hoping for something sexual? But I rang the doorbell.
The door was answered by a tall, muscular man wearing a mask like the one from the film Scream. I thought "How splendid! This will be a kinky evening!" He also carried a crossbow. We introduced ourselves. I told him my name was ShimmerShine Moondreams, and he told me that I could call him Mister Death. A charming name, I agreed.
He asked if I would mind going straight to the bath, and I thought this was a lovely idea, though a bit strange to not have drinks and cupcakes first. Still, he was the host and I should not criticize. I also admired the golden bridle hanging on his wall.
On the way to the bathroom, I tripped over some bones that looked like horse femurs, except they sparkled like unicorn bones. "How odd," I thought. I wondered if he were perhaps a veterinarian. When I asked him, he said "No," and then laughed most strangely. His laughter was a little distorted by the Scream mask, though, so I decided that was why it made my tail hairs stand on end.
He led me to a jacuzzi filled with bubbles!!! O, I did a dance of joy at this, and sang a little song (a Hawksley Workman song actually, Pomegranate Daffodil). My new friend was impressed. I said "I love your tub, but I am a little sad that you did not wait to use my raspberry bubble bath." He said "Do not worry, this is special bubble bath I made just for tonight." I sniffed the air and thought that I smelled acid. What a strange thing to perfume your bathroom with, but to each his/her own, I supposed.
It was then that I noticed something suspicious!!!!!
(An aside here: I am sure it was only my training in forensic investigation that saved my life Tuesday evening, for it has made me a keen observer.)
On the floor next to a tub, there was a flyer. I noticed it because of the beautiful graphic design. I was about to ask my new friend if he used MS Publisher to design it, when I realized what it said:
Unicorn bones to highest bidder.
New material avail. early Wed. morning.
Call 519-###-#### for deets.
I pirouetted smoothly and pulled my gun from beneath my towel in one lithe movement. Mister Death raised his crossbow, but I was too fast for him! I shot it from his hands and then kicked him in the kneecap with my front hooves. I then hightailed it out the door, into the beautiful London night air. O, you have never smelled such delicious air until you have tasted your own death in your nostrils!
(I wonder: is it possible Mister Death is also the London Sleepwatcher, or do we have two criminals in our fair city??)
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Opener: Jessie Baylin
Venue: El Mocambo, Toronto
Date: Sunday, November 23, 2008
I promised my good friend Garli by special request a review of this concert. However, I am afraid right now I cannot be as insightfully objective as usual, due to the event referenced in this blog posts's headline.
At first, when the handsome Mister Nathanson leaned in to hug me, I thought, "O! Why did my haunted shower choose today of all days to act up! My mane perhaps does not smell as spring fresh as usual!" but of course I soon realized that it is always a treat to hug a unicorn, whether or not we smell funky, and also eeeeeeee! Matt Nathanson hugged me! I WILL NEVER WASH MY BODY AGAIN!!!!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
from roger manningHow exciting! I am also attractive, single, honest sometimes, and very passionate!! Roger and I have a lot in common. Also, his reply was in PINK, which is a beautiful colour!
date Nov 19, 2008 11:38 PM
subject Love your ad
Hello,I love your ad its a breath of fresh air & was kinda sexy really.I'm a attractive,single 40's man who is honest and very passionate.I would love to chat so feel free to call me anytime even tonite At 519-###-#### Roger
My second reply was even more exciting:
from John FritterA bubble bath!!!! Eeeeeee!!! YES INDEED I AM UP FOR A BUBBLE BATH RIGHT NOW!
date Nov 21, 2008 2:15 AM
hey, 19 m 6' muscular, are you up for a bubble bath right now?
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
But which piece to choose?? At first I thought about playing something from a beautiful Tchaikovsky ballet. Or, since it is close to Christmas, perhaps the carol Little Drummer Boy, and I can sing along but with the word "drum" replaced by "harp"!
O! It occurs to me how this plan might go terribly wrong. What if Peter sleeps in the nude, and when he rushes to the window to applaud my performance, we are both embarassed?
I will deliver some special pyjamas to his house beforehand, with a personal note. You know what I think is most charming? How in the olden days men wore lovely nightgowns to bed. I bet he will appreciate being reminded of the Days of Yore!
Which nightgown should I select for Peter? I love the classic white but the red is so festive.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The first 3 times I sent in my application, I did not hear anything, however the 4th time I received a PERSONAL REPLY from the Music Director!!!! How exciting is that???
Granted, it was not the reply I hoped for (see below), but I hope to have different news after the 5th attempt. He will definitely admire my persistence!
The other day I went for a lovely walk in a winter storm, and my spirits were not even raised by the possibility of creating a rainbow for the city to admire. I thought to myself, why create a rainbow in the hail if the hail will hit your face anyway?
I went dancing at both Jacks and the Ceeps last weekend, but neither filled the void in my heart. I tried on pretty red lingerie at La Senza, but I felt it was wasted on only myself and the salesgirl. I read Anais Nin, but she did not stir my libido.
It was then that I realized: somehow, romance had left my life.
So I posted an ad on Craigslist! You can see it here or reposted below. I am so excited! I cannot wait to meet my true love!!
UNICORN SEEKING TRUE LOVE (London)
Dear Craigslist community!
I am a young male unicorn located in London, Ontario who enjoys the romantic and sexual company of both males and females. Lately, I have not been having as much companionship as I would like, so I decided to post an ad and try "online dating"!
My interests are varied and exciting! They include:
- music (I play the glass harmonica)
- interpretive dance
- caring for my plant friends (that is NOT a subtle intimation that I smoke "weed" just so you know)
- alt-country singer/songwriter Ryan Adams
- writing poetry (often love poetry so if you like romantic poems written about you, you should definitely hook up with me!)
- forensic science
- bubble baths
- Olympic aquatic athletes (particularly the attractive ones so if you swim you should definitely reply to my ad!)
I hope all of you are enticed by this ad, but just in case you need more convincing I have enclosed a photograph of my handsome visage!
I look forward to making your acquaintance.
Much love and joy,
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Opener: The Stills
Venue: Centennial Hall, London, Ontario
Date: Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tonight I went to see the Sam Roberts Band. I must say, if I had known Sam Roberts was so attractive physically, I would have gone to see him years ago!
My favourite part of the concert was when he sang that song that goes "I just don't understand why the kids don't know how to dance to rock and roll". When he sang the chorus everyone in the audience danced, O! most gloriously!!
I danced most beautifully of all right at the front, of course, and Sam Roberts gave me a special personal look my way that I am certain said "When I get back to my hotel I will write a sequel to this song and call it Them Unicorns Sure Do Know How To Dance To Rock And Roll."