Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I was very worried that my neighbours might be sleeping, as it is after midnight on a weeknight, and I knew they would be horrified to find out they missed the first night of snow! So I sang everyone a little song and accompanied myself on the glass harmonica.
Then I performed a magnificent ballet! I had intended to perform my ballet on the rooves of nearby houses, but I could not find my tall ladder. It looks like someone has broken into my shed again. Do not worry, however, my jetés remained glorious even on the snow-covered ground!
Ah, but this snow-filled night is still young! How shall I celebrate next??
Oh!!!! I know!!! I will roast chestnuts and toss them lightly at my neighbour's windows, shouting "Tra la, tra la, there is snow aground! Who wishes to come outside for chestnuts, ballet, and glass harmonica?"
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
However, today in my mailbox I discovered, not new ammunition for my gun (WHY does Canada Post hate me???) but the newly-released Ryan Adams & The Cardinals album, Cardinology! I was in shock!
Apparently, I had pre-ordered the new album and unthinkingly had not removed it from my Amazon.ca account.
My hooves shook as I removed the CD from its plastic wrapping. I knew it was wrong, but as I tossed the plastic wrap in the garbage to further clog up our landfills and destroy our precious planet, I could not help myself.
Like a young filly drawn to the James Dean-esque bad boy smoking against the high school wall, my heart fluttered at the opening guitar riff. By the time he sang the following, I was lost to lust:
Every season that I spend alone / Feels like a thousand in my heart and in my soulO, Ryan Adams! How do you see through to the melancholic beauty of the anguish inside me?
However, all is not lost! I am currently composing some NC-17 fanfic that I hope will change Mr. Adams' mind about unicorns as pool-construction items and bring him back into the light.
In said fanfic, while Ryan (I think I can call him by his first name now, since we get quite well acquainted, "sexually" if you will, in the fanfic) is working as an extremely attractive office intern, he meets a young, handsome unicorn princeling named SparkleSheen Sunreverie (uh, earlier I meant, Ryan and SparkleSheen get quite well acquainted) whom he fancies on sight. SparkleSheen refuses to have intercourse with Ryan until he changes his ways of evil! Of course he does and then they do naughty things. And then Ryan writes a song for him!!!!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
But alas, I no longer have a fishing buddy (uh probably best not to ask about what happened to my last one--his wife is still bitter).
So, I thought, I will advertise for one on my blog!
I would love for you to be my fishing buddy!
Also, I have several criteria (here is where the asterisk in my advertisement title comes in):
- You must enjoy fishing
- You must yearn to catch the beautiful Ontarian Muskie!!!
- You must name all of the fish you catch, but if I've used the name first, you can't steal it. Even if it's a really splendid name like MacIntosh Sweetums IV, or Bristol Levi Fish.
- You must agree to remove the hook from the fish's mouth for me. That part gives me the creeps AND the willies.
- I am a hypocritical carnivore, so all fish I catch will be returned to their beautiful lake home. If you catch a fish, you must kill it yourself while I am not watching. I will then help you clean the fish and eat it if you tell me "Look, I found this randomly dead fish that I did not kill, he looks delicious, and he is not that live fish we just named and befriended."
- You must enjoy fishing songs, such as "I's the b'y that builds the boat" and anything by Stan Rogers.
today you are 23
julius caesar was stabbed 23 times
murdered by friends
i wonder where he was stabbed
i am stabbed in the heart when i glimpse your face
and hear your laughter
at the joke made by one who is not me
i feel betrayed as caesar was
but o! my loving heart is my brutus
and i am left alone to cry you 23 perfect tears
on your birthday
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I had a lovely 20 minutes of playing Funagle with the dogs and Catfeats with the cats, until the police showed up (I guess the pound has an alarm).
I led the police officers on a merry chase until they captured me with a large net. Oh, if only I'd had my gun with me, we could have had a shootout! I love shootouts on tv, it's like dodgeball, but with a slightly lower survival rate!
They let me go with only a warning, but I have to admit that I am starting to lose respect for our fine officers of the law. It seems like they simply don't enjoy fun. How heartbreaking.
I have to remember to carry my gun with me more often. Perhaps some sort of leg harness, or I could attach it to my tail with an elastic. Hmm. This will take some thought.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
"The pony, called Fat Boy, broke in to Sarah Penhaligon's garden in Newquay, Cornwall, to get to the fruit, which had fallen from trees.
"He ate so many apples that he became confused.
"Penhaligon called the emergency services and a team of firefighters managed to rescue Fat Boy, who was unharmed, using harnesses." (guardian.co.uk)Note to Fat Boy: Don't be embarassed. We've all been there.
Also: if the firefighters who rescued you were hot, please give them my number!
I did come home for a bit to perform some tests once the old windows had been removed. I discovered that a unicorn does not fit through a basement window! This is good information to have. Fortunately, I live only a block from the fire department so they helped me out.
My first choice of coffeeshop, the lovely Coffee Culture on Richmond, was foolish, as it was full of teenagers (both boys & girls). It was Wednesday morning, so was there a holiday or were they skipping school?
It turns out that teenagers are fairly boring to eavesdrop on. Here are some conversation samples:
"You owe me 20 things from our bet then"
"No only like 10 things"
"No more like 20"
"Of course your sister was just up one side and down the other"
"I love you"
"No, I love you"
"No, I said 'I love you' first"
"Well I love you so much"
"I love you too"
"I'm happy the Liberals won our riding"
"The Greens won like no ridings but they had 6% of the popular vote"
"And your feet! And your feet! Ohmygod your feet!!!!"
"The tater tots were all milky from the milk!"
"They were so milky"
"Hey your initials are M.S. which is like milkshake"
"Have you ever tried a milkshake with tater tots?"
"We should find her a guy with the initials T.T. and if you date you can be a milkshake with tater tots!"
"Do you know any guys named like Tommy and who have a last name with T?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Also, according to the Canada Elections Act, it's illegal to eat your ballot! I was a little disappointed. I wasn't planning to eat my ballot, but it would be nice to have the option. I asked if there was a similar law about the cute little pencils they give you to vote with, and no one knew, so I swallowed a few of them.
Also, it turns out that you're not allowed to bring a gun into the polling station. My station is an elementary school, so fortunately there were lots of places to hide my gun outside. I eventually put it in the tunnel slide and hoped that no kids were going to slide down it while I was inside voting.
I had planned to vote for the Natural Law Party of Canada, because I have long believed that we should put more funding towards yogic flying research, but it turns out they are no longer registered! I was pretty mad about this, so I demanded explanations and caused a bit of a ruckus (unicorn hooves can snap human ribs very easily so it's not hard for me to cause a ruckus). Eventually one of the volunteers brought me some pretty lace to braid in my tail, so that calmed me down enough to vote.
All in all, I think my first experience with Canadian democracy in action went quite swimmingly!
If you're wondering who I voted for, it's a secret, but know that I could never vote for a candidate who doesn't like to canoe! Hee hee hee, you will never guess. I know it must be annoying wondering who I voted for and not being able to figure it out, but I feel true democracy must be anonymous. Tee hee hee oh I wish I could tell you but I can't!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Howdy. We had us a hog-killin' time at the picture show the other day, but unfortunately not 'cause o' the film. Me an' ShimmerShine was all roostered up on Mountain Dew and spirits (him on the former, me on the latter) and were hootin' and hollerin' a whole bunch. Shiney was blindfolded so he asked me to give y'all a review.
Now, y'all should know I done read the book, by this fellow Jose Saramago, and the film just don't hold a candle to it. I tell you, if I ran into the director in a dark alley one night, I'd kick up a row and possibly take my pistol to 'im, then suck his blood. Or suck his blood and then shoot 'im, I dunno. Depends on my mood an' how hungry I were.
First off, y'oughta know that the book is written in real purty simple language. It didn't need no fancy camera tricks or turnin' the screen white to make us folks watchin' think we was blind. And the screechin' noises on the soundtrack were about as welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance.
But I hafta say, that Julianne Moore is slick as grease. I'd court her any day o' the week but Thursday.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Venue: Galleria Rainbow Cinema, London, Ontario
Date: Sunday, October 4th
I went to see this one because I loved the book! I decided that I would go in costume, because I was so excited for the film, so I wore a blindfold as if I were a blind person! I figured this would also make the film more authentic for me.
Unfortunately, I had a hard time understanding what was going on in the film, because I couldn't see anything.
Also, I tripped over the seats and landed in someone's lap! How embarrassing. When I said "Excuse me, I'm blind" he said "No worries" in an Aussie accent and because I couldn't see him, I imagined that he was extremely attractive!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I am very good at this game. I went looking for someone to play with today, but none of my friends were in town. Those who were said it was a stupid game and they preferred to avoid pain. I told them that pain was beautiful and truly one of life's wonders, just like lilacs, puppies, and joy, but they still refused to play.
So eventually I set up a little booth outside, like a lemonade stand, and I made a sign that said PLAY SHOCKING DUEL WITH A UNICORN, ONLY $5.
Unfortunately I guess none of my neighbours were around today, and something must have been wrong with the sidewalk on my side of the street, because right before people got to my booth, they crossed to the other side of the street.
I will have to call the city to have them look into the sidewalk issue.
In the meantime, if anyone would like to play with me, please do let me know! Of course, I will use my hooves to touch the Shocking Duel game. Using my horn would be cheating, and is also prohibited by international law now. Unicorn horns are excellent electrical conductors.
I am a little ashamed to admit it, but I tried using my horn once to cheat on a professional Shocking Duel game in Florida (they play for high stakes), and, well, that's how the Bermuda Triangle was started. So the UN says I'm not allowed to do that anymore.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
In this interview, Katie Couric asked Governor Palin which newspapers and magazines she read to learn about the world before becoming the vice presidential candidate. Governor Palin (may I call her Sarah or is that too forward? I am not sure if we are at the courting stage yet) responded that she had read "most of them". Ms. Couric continued to ask for specifics, but Governor Palin continued to say "all of them" and "most of them."
These interviews always impress me! I personally am not capable of reading all of the newspapers and magazines. While unicorns have many wonderful talents, we are not fast readers.
So, I was thinking, if I had to recommend the top magazines one should read for a well-rounded education, which ones would I choose?
Mother Jones: my favourite American political magazine. Today there are articles about the CIA, Obama, and the Wall Street bailout. I originally purchased a copy to learn more about motherhood (as a member of the male gender, I can never be a mother--oh, you have never seen so many perfect tears as the day I realized this!) but it turned out to be about news and politics.
Men's Health and Women's Health: If only there were a Unicorn's Health. Until then, I will make do.
Maclean's: for the Canadian content of course. I am still hoping it will tell me what Green Party leader Elizabeth May's favourite month is. I'm not sure if I'm hoping it will be May, because that is quite cute, or hoping it is November, which would be very ironic (since her name is May and her favourite month isn't). I would also like to know NDP leader Jack Layton's favourite month, but I can't tell you why, it's personal.
Cosmopolitan: because a healthy sex education is very important, and I truly believe that learning more about how to orgasm through oral sex will reduce the number of abortions worldwide. (I am sure Sarah Palin and I will be in agreement here!)
Budget Travel: just in case you need to travel on a budget sometime.