Friday, September 26, 2008
Venue: Call the Office, London, Ontario
Date: September 25, 2008
This was an excellent band with many catchy tunes and attractive young band members (though none really tore my mind from my sense of loss over discovering Mikael Akerfeldt of Opeth was married). I was a little confused by the bass player's constant need to touch the ceiling with his instrument, but I am sure that either it helped him play better, or he was attempting to kill spiders (I know it can be embarassing when spiders fall on you in the middle of a song.)
The bar was hot and everyone was sweaty, including myself (my sweat sparkled like magnificent rainbows!). We danced for over an hour and I performed more pirouettes than I was able to count. Alas, because I am a unicorn with terrible timing I missed the opening acts, who I hear were very much awesome.
After the show, I went with Mermaid WaterfallSplash and her friends to get some pizza. I ate two large pizzas with several toppings, but unfortunately they did not have any M&Ms.
I did walk home with a lovely young human lad, and as we were crossing the street he dropped his pop can and was almost hit by a taxi cab!!! I clapped my hooves together with glee, for I figured this would be a very messy accident and I could use my forensic investigative skills to analyse his blood spatter, but alas he was unharmed.
(Please note: I was not wishing for his death, for that would be very immoral, but just a little blood spatter!)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Opener: High on Fire
Venue: Centennial Hall, London, Ontario
Date/Time: 7pm, September 21, 2008
This was my first death metal concert and I have to say it will not be my last!!!
Opeth was wonderful despite not playing my favourite song (Face of Melinda) even though I cheered loudly for it and wore a hand-painted t-shirt that said FACE OF MELINDA IS THE BEST OPETH SONG with some drawings of skulls under it.
Also I have discovered that I love moshing! It is so much fun to throw myself back and forth in a sexual communion with the audience.
My favourite part of the concert was when Opeth discussed Top Gun, one of my favourite movies, and even picked out the theme song on the electric guitar!
Or possibly my favourite part was when Mikael Akerfeldt admitted to having a very tiny penis. I appreciate a man who will admit to his weaknesses and I'm sure he knows how to use his penis well! Alas, I was not able to find out, as he is married. (My good friend Mermaid WaterfallSplash noticed the wedding ring and so spared me from any embarassment before I attempted to hit on Mister Akerfeldt.)
Prior to the Opeth concert, I decided that I needed an ONTARIO HEALTH CARD, in case I was injured while moshing. I lined up in the OHIP Office for 45 minutes but alas was denied a health card!!! The government will not allow me health coverage because unicorns do not exist under provincial law. Were I to review the Ontario Government, they would only get ** (two stars).
So of course I did the only thing I could do, and made my own health card:
I did not have to use it that evening, but I am glad to have one and I shall carry it everywhere.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I admire the field reporter for his composure. If I had been there, I know I would have dropped my microphone and started making out as well. Some days love is just in the air, and today is one of those fine days!
I have never myself made out on CNN. I think I should add it to my list of places that would be enjoyable to have a romantic encounter, such as:
- A gondola ride in Venice
- In a tire store
- Atop a grand piano (or baby grand as my runner up choice)
- Atop the Eiffel Tower
- In a sex addict meeting (no sex, of course, just making out)
- By a pool table in a bar
- On the beach as waves wash over me (no jellyfish in the waves though please)
- In a marching band
- In an abortion clinic or possibly a dialysis centre
- Inspiration Point or a similar make out spot that teenagers enjoy
Sunday, September 14, 2008
My only criticism is that he should have burned the pants too. That would make it more authentic.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I only wish I were American so that I could vote for a candidate who supported unicorn issues. I am not sure if the Canadian NDP does this; I should ask them.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Today I was sitting in Williams Coffee Pub enjoying a lovely glass of iced chai when I most serendipitously happened to overhear a wonderful conversation of two people on their very first date!!!
I adore romance so I pretended to be listening to my iPod (hee hee I am very good at surveillance work, I even danced a little in my chair as if I were listening to music!) and I typed furiously on my computer. (I hoped they would ask what I was typing because I had a wonderful cover story, but they didn't ask.)
(The cover story was that I was pretending to write a letter to Prime Minister Stephen Harper suggesting that he date beautiful Canadian chanteuse Sarah McLachlan. I feel this would help his campaign.)
Here is my transcription:
[There is a very nervous guy sitting at the table across from me, and a woman just walked in! She smoothed her shirt down nervously and looked around for someone, and it was him! I am positive they are on a first date. She is quite overdressed for a coffee shop (bright pink blouse with fashionable cut-out parts all over the arms). ]
[I cannot hear them at first but they seem to be introducing themselves! Heeheehee now I am sure they are on a date:]
He: Well uh you look very nice.
She: [lots of blushing!!]
He: I'm sorry I'm not as dressed, I was working outside today.
[At this point I paused to see if I could figure out how to take a photo of them using my laptop computer. Alas, I decided a unicorn using a webcam would be too obvious. I cannot hear what they are discussing for a while, but he seems very nerdy and laughs a lot.]
He: Yeah, I don't drink a lot of coffee. But the other day, I was so exhausted, I had a lot of coffee. Sometimes that's the only think that will wake you up. So do you drink coffee?
She: Sometimes. I had one this morning, and then one on the bus, but otherwise I haven't had that much.
He: Oh well I try like really hard not to, and when I first started, I was like hopped up on caffeine all the time, but I'd rather drink water now.
[They discuss water vs. coffee]
He: I can't actually drink like a full can of Coke. I drink Pepsi, and everyone is like, why do you drink Pepsi? But it doesn't have that strong taste.
She: I love cold cereal.
[More talking I cannot hear.]
He: Yeah we seem to have so much in common, it seems like there might be a little-- [I missed the next bit!!!]
She: Oh, I'm definitely going to talk to you again. [Stuff I can't hear] You know, I came here for a cup of coffee and was going to let you down easy.
He: Yeah I know I figured it would be another missed connection
She: Yeah but I'm not finding that at all
He: It happens so much so I'm really glad
[I think they met on the Internet!!! They keep talking about messenger and websites]
He: When we started emailing, I do it too, I'm the same as you, I wanna talk on MSN, you get an idea better
She: Yeah before you meet face to face, especially if you don't even know if they live in London
He: [missed something] you know, I'm not trying to wreck things at all, not at all. I get messages from girls who don't have a photo, and I want to give them benefit of the doubt, but I'm not going to meet them if I can't see them
[I should mention at this point that he is overweight a little, and she is overweight a lot, but she is very well put-together and most lovely. She is definitely Out Of His League to my unicorn observer eyes!!!]
She: Yeah I would rather have a guy know what I'm look like because I want someone who thinks I'm pretty
[They get very quiet so I cannot hear them for a while]
He: No my intention is to get to know you so I hope that helps. When ladies say I'm a really nice guy, I don't know if I should take that as a good thing or a bad thing. I'm still going to be me of course.
[she keeps saying "Yeah" and "for sure". There is a long awkward silence. Then she FANS HERSELF WITH HER NAPKIN]
He: Oh are you getting warm
She: Well you're actually pretty warm so I'm warming up
He: [Really long talk about this factory he worked in and how he had no friends or social life. I am so disappointed! She was giving him an opportunity to flirt and he completely missed it!!! Oh how I wish I could give him dating pointers. Right now, he should write her a lovely poem, or perhaps do a dance, and she would be his forever!!!]
[He is talking about working as a dishwasher and how much he loved it. It paid $11/hr which is a lot for work as a dishwasher. She says she makes more than that but not by much.]
Unfortunately, my computer's battery ran out! I attempted to recharge it with my horn, but there were just a few sparks and the smell of strawberries, so I decided I had better stop transcribing the conversation.
What I did hear before I had to leave was him telling her about his past relationship, which failed horribly, because he lived with the girl and her parents!
I must revise my impression of him being nerdy and/or socially awkward, because I do feel this was an excellent romantic move. It is always good to get your previous relationship details out there on the first date. That way, there are no surprises!
Before I started blogging, I kept a diary of my romantic life, and I would often share this on first dates. Sometimes I would read it aloud to my date (I have a most melodious speaking voice) and other times I would do a little pantomime, or ask my date to read it quietly to him/herself while I gave him/her a shoulder massage.
I do hope things went well for this couple. I will watch the newspaper for any announcements of their upcoming wedding--there is nothing I love more than a wedding, so I will be sure to attend!!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Here is a question: Unicorns are immortal, so what happens to us when the universe ends? Do we float around in a vacuum? That would "suck"! (Hee hee hee! Do you see the pun there?) I'm sure it will involve sparkles and a great deal of happiness, but what else?
Great unicorn philosophers have written poetry on the subject, but I am not sure if there was ever a conclusion. Perhaps I should make this my life's work, in addition to being a harpist!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I am applying for a new career, as a harpist with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra! As you all know I am a devoted fan of music, and quite the virtuoso on the glass harmonica. I am hoping to expand my musical repertoire with this career.Below is my cover letter, of which I am especially proud:
Dear members of the most wondrous Toronto Symphony Orchestra,
I am writing this covering letter to you because I feel it would be absolutely splendid to be your new harpist.
I feel that I am uniquely qualified for this position because I enjoy the harp as a musical instrument and I would like to learn to play one, they are very much the bee's knees. I also know how to find Toronto on a map and so I would not end up on the wrong continent when I arrive for the job interview, as I have done twice before. This attention to detail shows my keen desire to improve and my devotion to lifelong learning.
I wish to address your potential concern for my ability to play the harp, as I have no fingers. I can assure you that I will not break too many strings, and when I do break them I will do a lovely dance, possibly a jig, in the orchestra pit so that the audience will be delighted enough to forgive this fault. I would appreciate it if the flautists and piccolo players of your fine organization would join me in this jig.
Also, since I am a unicorn I will attract many virgins of both genders to your shows. This in turn will attract slutty people who like to deflower virgins. Thus, your orchestral performances will have a well-balanced audience of both virgins and non-virgins.
I am also awesome at poetry.I look forward to spending an evening with you interviewing in front of a roaring fire, and perhaps in a hot tub. Many thanks to you and your loved ones for considering me for this career with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra.
Much love and joy to you all,
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
It would just be so amazing to have my job be "being excited about things".
Right now I am reading Beyond Reach by Karin Slaughter. It's a murder mystery with lots of gore so I'm learning so much about forensic investigation (one of my favourite hobbies!).
Here are some of my favourite quotes by reviewers of this book:
"As tense as it gets, a bit horrific at times, and as absorbing as a platter of rattlesnakes. Read this one with a shotgun and a big dog nearby."I like this one a lot because the reviewer really captures the feeling of reading the book. It's just like watching a platter of rattlesnakes. I personally have not seen a platter of rattlesnakes, but since I am enjoying this book I know I will enjoy rattlesnakes as well (particularly on a platter) since they are being compared.- Jackson Clarion-Ledger
However, I had to disregard the reviewer's advice. The police said I am not allowed a shotgun. I might borrow a large dog though.
"This is one of those rare books that made me moan out loud: 'oh no...oh, no...no, no..."What I particularly like about this quote is how specific the reviewer is. He makes sure we know that he didn't just moan, he moaned "oh no...oh, comma, no...no, comma, no." This attention to detail proves that he really feels strongly about the book and is not lying.- Kirkus Reviews
So, I am going to share some of my own!
"This new book has so much gore it made me want to order a pizza!"- Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams' Blogging Adventure
"The author's name is Slaughter so it makes sense there is a bunch of slaughtering in her book. What also makes sense is the twists in the book because they are very carefully plotted and also well-written with few grammatical errors. Bravissimo!"- Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams' Blogging Adventure
"I was sexually aroused by the murder scene forensic possiblities!"- Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams' Blogging Adventure
"Even a shark with a 5 cm dorsal fin couldn't cause this much screaming!"- Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams' Blogging Adventure