My Paddy's Pub Themed Bathroom

Today I had a glorious idea! I was finally released from jail so I thought it was time to redecorate my home!

I was reading about How to Create an Iron Man Themed Bathroom and I thought wow wow wow, my bathroom has no theme other than "place where I urinate pure spring water" and THIS NEEDS TO BE FIXED.

However, I also thought, gee, while I love Iron Man he is sure trendy these days. Maybe I should pick something else?

And then it occured to me. As I'm sure all of you are, I am SUPER DUPER PSYCHED for the 4th season premiere of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (September 18th!!!).

So to celebrate...a Paddy's Pub themed bathroom!!!


First, I bought green and white towels. Green hair towels, and small white handtowels to compliment them. I already had a white cup and toothbrush and also hoofpick holder, so I covered these with shiny green shamrock stickers to give it an Irish feel!

I made my own water stain on the shower curtain that resembles the Virgin Mary, just like the bar has! I drew it with waterproof marker but it looks authentic.

I hung streamers and beads everywhere, and I made sure that everyone using my bathroom knows that gambling is allowed. Also there is a bucket for if someone loses at Russian Roulette.

Also, I converted my shower so that it would shower BEER instead of water. Now, I don't consume alcohol (my vice of choice is Mountain Dew) but I want that lovely pub smell and also I've heard it will make my coat shinier.

I am so excited!! I think I will go invite the neighbours to use my bathroom RIGHT NOW. I hope they have to pee!!!!

Unicorns in commercials

I'm not sure how I feel about my unicorn brothers and sisters selling themselves on television to promote cars, as in this following video:

I do love the rainbow, and I can't help but smile fondly while looking at it. However, what is WhiteOpal Sparklemane doing acting on television??? I told my nemesis that if he showed himself in public near me again, I would see to it that he regretted it!

I don't care if you are a minor commercial-acting celebrity, if you cheat at pinball you should be ashamed of yourself, WhiteOpal.

I have half a mind to write him an angry letter. Perhaps I shall tomorrow, once I have purchased new ink for my calligraphy pen. Until then I am using this blog to state openly that I am the true Pinball Wizard of unicorns. Do not let him and his fancy cars tell you otherwise.

Olympic 'shipping

I am a huuuge fan of open water marathon swimming, the newest Olympic medal sport! Though I will admit I was a bit disappointed to see the 10km races taking place in a man-made lake of 28 degrees Celsius rather than the ocean with the additional dangers jellyfish and giant squid, my feelings were quickly soothed by the romance involved.

I do love a good romance! Or a bad one! Oh indeed bad ones can be delicious, which is why I spent four hours reading The Dumpster today, and weeping for all of the lost love in the world. Cathartic!

My favourite secret romance in open water swimming is that between Keri-Anne and Cassandra, the two British women.

These women were swimming in the lead, breast to breast the entire 10km until the very end when the results were:

GOLD - Larisa Ilchenko, Russia, 1:59:27.7
SILVER - Keri-Anne Payne, Great Britain, 1:59:29.2
BRONZE - Cassandra Patten, Great Britain, 1:59:31.0

I was in so much shock I screamed and my cellmate Fat Lip Sal called for the guards because he thought I had accidentally shot myself again! (Sal is truly a sweetheart.)

I thought and thought about why the lovely British couple missed out on gold--what mistake had they possibly made? And then it occurred to me...what if it wasn't a mistake? What if it was...a noble sacrifice?

So I wrote a speculative fanfic that I hope will explain to all of you open water swimming fans what happened. And I hope you will cherish it, for I truly believe that fans of open water swimming are also fans of romance. It is from the point of view of Keri-Anne Payne.

---

Open Water, Open Hearts
by ShimmerShine Moondreams, Unicorn Prince

As we rounded the turn into the final lap, Cassie and I were in sync, our arms sweeping the water as one, our breath flowing, our hearts beating, souls rejoicing.

We were in the lead, and not just like rabbits, pitter-patting faster like our hearts nearing climax, setting a pace too fast to be maintained. No, we were strong, beautiful women, swimming for our lives, our loves, our country. We were going to win! We were going for the gold!

And then my left arm missed a beat, my heart flipped into my stomach, my thoughts veered off course...like I'd missed a gulp and go, the feeding stick, hard and long and brutal, dropping red gel into the ocean, my joy bleeding out like gel in the water surrounding me.

We were going for the gold, I had thought. We. But there is only one gold in the 10km marathon. And there are two of us. Two bodies, though our souls were twined together.

I flashed back to before the race...

"Oh Keri, that tickles!" Cassie giggled as I marked her body with the grease pen. I smiled naughtily at her, thinking of where else we had used that pen the night before.

"I love you," I whispered breathily into her ear.

"Oh, I love you so much!" Cassandra cried, and dipped her fingers in the Vaseline, creaming it around my neck with gentle fingers so I wouldn't get chafing as we swam. "I wish we could both win gold, though I know you are the better swimmer and so deserve it, my love, my dearest..."

"Oh sweetheart, I may be the stronger swimmer, but in life, I slip stream behind you...you let me carry on." I slipped a gel pack under her armpit and with that sensual movement, I whispered in her ear tonight "My love, this evening I will love you so deeply you will come like an 11 on the Beaufort Wind Force Scale, that is to say, exceptionally high waves of passion, at 11.5 metres high, like a violent storm..."

...and then I was out of my flashback and back into the race. Cassie and I were still tied for lead.

I knew what I had to do. Either we would both win gold and share it like we shared our love, or neither of us would win it...

...I reached out with my foot and kicked her. "What the fuck???" she cried and punched me in the face. I felt blood swell in my nose as Larisa Ilchenko passed us, and I whispered to my beloved Cassie, "All for you my love, I did it for you..."

THE END

Hot Watersports!

I don't know if any of you readers have noticed, but some of the Olympic athletes are considerably dreamy! In particular, I am enjoying the dudes involved in WATERSPORTS, because they are frequently unclothed.

I have placed a poll on the right of this page where you can vote for the sexiest! Check out photos below.

Check out Canadian kayaker Adam van Koeverden! If I were into S&M I would let him use those paddles on me if you know what I mean!


South African swimmer Ryk Neethling should meet some of my swimmers (by which I mean my sperm, they are often called "swimmers"--I hope you don't mind me being coy!)


I've noticed after diving, the divers run straight into a nice warm shower... well, I have a super-fun hot shower that Alexandre Despatie can try anytime!


Also, I would like to have sexual intercourse with American swimmer Ryan Lochte!

Top Gun: The Family Friendly Version

So a couple of us were sitting around after "Anger Management" today discussing our favourite movies.

Tony Two-Face really likes Star Wars and E.T., particularly the newer versions, where Han doesn't shoot first and there are walkie-talkies instead of guns. Erik the Kleener and I had to agree--sometimes we really enjoy violence in our films, but in feel-good movies such as Star Wars and E.T., we don't believe violence belongs.

We were trying to remember, what other movies have gratuitous violence and should be changed in this way? We couldn't come up with any, but we thought about the BEACH VOLLEYBALL SCENE in Top Gun, and how clearly the men didn't need to be shirtless. If they were playing volleyball in jeans, surely they could play in shirts as well? You all know how I like beautiful bodies glistening in the sun, but not if it's gratuitous!

We contemplated writing to Tony Scott, the director of Top Gun, but I think he still has a restraining order out on me, so we decided that might not be the best idea.

So Tony Two-Face, Erik the Kleener and I censored the movie all by ourselves! Enjoy some screenshots from Top Gun: The Family Friendly Version!

Olympic controversies

Woweee, there sure is a lot of controversy surrounding the Olympics this year!

Controversy #1: Pretty vs Ugly Singers

First, there was the little girl who wasn't allowed to sing at the Opening Ceremonies because she was too ugly. A prettier girl lipsynched to a recording.

I personally wonder why they were unable to find a pretty girl who could also sing. They are able to find these on Canadian Idol, my favourite television programme, all the time. Perhaps they could have flown in a Canadian girl?

If not, I suppose the Chinese officials had no choice but to make the pretty girl lipsynch. I do feel that a beautiful face to look at enhances my own listening pleasure, which is why I enjoy watching Keith Richards (glorious wrinkles!!!) and Alanis Morissette (before she cut her hair--but I also adore that video where she shows off her lady lumps).

Controversy #2: Young Gymnasts

Some people think that China is illegally entering 12- and 14-year-old girls in the gymnastic events! Younger girls are better at gymnastics, but only girls 16 and up are allowed.

I think that this is an important rule to follow. We should not make it easier for evil paedophiles to enjoy watching the Olympics.

Controversy #3: Really Awesome Swimsuits

Speedo has made this magic swimsuit that helps people to swim faster by reducing the resistance on their skin! Lots of swimmers are breaking records because of it, and some swimmers are being sued by their sponsors because they are wearing Speedo suits instead!

I am so excited to try this for myself. I ordered one in unicorn size but they told me they have no unicorn sizes, so now I am getting on specially tailored. I cannot wait!!!!

I can picture it now: I will wear my swimsuit and take my shark fin to the Olympic pool (remember from my shark experiments!). I will swim around the pool majestically, and that dreamy Michael Phelps will see my fin! He will scream and stop his swimming, and then I will take off the fin and swoop in to save him with my excellent butterfly stroke.

Mister Phelps will thank me and we will fall in love and then go win a gold in synchro diving (the power of our love will make us the best team there without any training). (Also we will yell Cowabunga!!!! and CANNONBALL!!! while we are diving. I am so surprised the other pairs don't do this already; surely the judges would give them extra marks.)

Update on my jail situation:

Fear not, I am still working on escaping from prison. I told my guards about my plan to win gold in synchro diving, and they are discussing it with the warden. Hopefully he will see that letting me out early for good--no, for awesome--behaviour will allow me to bring glory to this country.

Beach volleyball uniforms

Apologies for the lack of "BLOGGING" this week! I must be quick today because I am posting from jail.

So I was wondering your thoughts on Olympic beach volleyball uniforms!

I was surprised at just how many rules there are for uniforms. Samples:

2.3 WOMEN'S UNIFORMS
2.3.1 Style (see diagram 4.2)
The TOP must fit closely to the body and the design must be with deep cutaway armholes on the back, upper chest and stomach (2-piece)
The BRIEFS should be in accordance with the enclosed diagram, be a close fit and be cut on an upward angle towards the top of the leg. The side width should be maximum 7 cm.

I feel that the uniforms should be smaller, and perhaps thong style. The human body is beautiful and Olympians should not be ashamed of that!

2.3.3 Colour
The TOP and BRIEFS or the ONE PIECE uniform should be of bright and light colours, avoiding dominant white colour which is not recommended by the Host Broadcaster.

This seems fair. They should add 2.3.4 that there should be sparkles as well.

3.9 Upon request of players, the Technical Delegate may authorise them to play with warm-up sportswear (same colour and same fabric of the uniforms and tight fitting in exceptional weather conditions such as cold temperature below 16° C).

What if you are a naturally chilly person and feel cold at 17° C?

3.7 A clean uniform must be used for each match.

I appreciate this rule. No one likes filth.

Also notice how uniforms and unicorns are really similar words. So why aren't there uniform guidelines for unicorns? I rather enjoy beach volleyball, so how will I know what to wear when I get up to Olympic level competitiveness?

In particular I am wondering about sweatbands. May I wear one on my horn? Also, it will have sparkles and streamers streaming from it, so that when I pirouette to volley and/or spike a ball, brilliant shining light will reflect all around me as though I were a disco ball. The audience would cheer and call my name (SHIMM-ER-SHINE! SHIMM-ER-SHINE!) and I would spin and spin and it would almost be in slow motion, with the song Take My Breath Away from the film Top Gun would be playing, and oh it would be glorious because I have taken the audience's breath away with my athleticism and beauty!

Oh please excuse me. I have to return to my bunk. My cellmate and I are attempting to find a rock hammer to dig out of here. I would use my horn but the guards might be suspicious.

Asian Plastic Surgery

Also I am most confused by Asian Plastic Surgery because the model woman looks white to me?? How do humans tell various races apart?

I am frequently worried about being a racist. With unicorns, it is simple: black unicorns are evil.

However, making that evil vs. non-evil distinction with humans can often lose you friends and even get you sued if you are hiring employees on that basis (someday I will tell you all about when I got sued for racial discrimination! It was an exciting process).

It's Tuesday

Well, it is officially Tuesday in my time zone! I am very excited for my gun to arrive.

I wonder what time the mailman will come! I know clearly not before 2am, so I didn't go outside solely to check just now, I was also cleaning up my mailbox so that there would definitely be room and the spiders wouldn't scare away the mailman.

Gosh, I don't know if I will get any sleep tonight!!

I was thinking, if I had a bang maid, she could check the mail instead of me. This is something I might look into.

Civic Holiday - renamed!

O no! I just realized that tomorrow is a holiday! The mailman will not be delivering my gun after all. How will I wait until Tuesday???

What is this Civic Holiday, anyway? I have to give it respect for being a palindrome, but otherwise I feel the name is quite uninteresting. Why not call it one of these wonderful holiday names instead (thought up by yours truly Prince ShimmerShine Moondreams):

• Monday of Summer Lovin'
• No Gun Delivery Holiday
• Christmas (hee hee hee people would be so confused!!)
• Rainbow Sparkle Time For Everyone

Sigh sigh sigh, alas alas alas. Even inventing beautiful names for the holiday tomorrow has not cheered me up.

I think instead I will go dance outside on the sidewalk (a combination of the tango and line dancing, mayhap with some of the grace of ballet). This way, even if I am not cheered up, all of the other people who see my dance will at least be filled with bliss.

No gun yet

My gun has not yet arrived. I have been checking the mailbox every hour on the hour, and sometimes a little more often.

To occupy myself while I wait for the postman to come on Monday, I have been thinking about other things I will need for my gun.

I might buy some velvet to make a beautiful case for my gun. Should I bedazzle the case with rhinestones? I'm not sure. Also, if I am buying velvet, I might as well buy enough to make a beautiful cloak (dark purple and definitely with rhinestones, like stars in a purple sky!) and perhaps a mask, in case I ever decide to become a gun-wielding superhero.

What do you use to clean a gun? I do have a drying rack that I use for my shoes in my laundry dryer. Can I put my gun in there? The answer is probably yes. In that case, while the gun is in the washer, is it better to use scented or unscented detergent? Definitely no fabric softener--a soft gun will do no one any good.

This is all very confusing. I am a little glad my gun did not come today; this way I have the weekend to think and determine all of the answers to my questions, so that I will be a most responsible gun owner.

My first gun purchase!

I am excited about my first gun purchase! It occurred to me today that since my new hobby is forensic investigation, I should probably have a handgun.

So I looked up gun stores in my city of London, Ontario, and I found a nice one called the CK Gun Room. I was getting ready to head out to the store (walking, of course, because London Transit will still not let unicorns on the bus--hee hee, I wonder if that will change when I have my gun!?!) and I realized it was a long walk so I decided to order online.

You can see the photo of my new gun on the right. I decided to go with a Beretta Stampede .357 caliber revolver because it looks like a gun a cowboy might use! Also it was on sale for $725.95 from $779.95 so I would save some money. I might use my savings for some ribbon and barrettes for my tail. That way I can wear barrettes while I shoot my beretta.

I decided to have it shipped Priority Courier for $18.81 so it should be here tomorrow or Monday if the courier doesn't work on weekends! I am pretty excited. Once in a while people ask me if being a unicorn and living forever gets boring, but this is more proof that it's truly the little things that keep life interesting and enjoyable.