An interesting product

I am not sure how I feel about this.

I am very flattered and I suppose it is a lovely and useful device for those many lonely humans who cannot find their own unicorn, however I am wondering if the "shimmering iridescent ivory color" would be merely a pale imitation of my beauty.

My shower is haunted still

I realized that I have not written about my haunted shower, because I have not had a major incident since I began this blog! However, I was most pleased to see it acting up again tonight.

First, I had a lovely shower. There was much soap-scrubbing and so many pearlescent bubbles from the shampoo! Sometimes I like to perform a little dance with them, so I did this tonight.

After I finished, I turned off both the hot and cold taps, and then moved to the larger area of the bathroom to rub my mane and tail with a towel (this is one of my favourite parts of taking a shower!). I braided my tail, because I was very pleased with the world and I feel as though a braided tail announces "I am happy! Also I have a braid! In my tail, particularly!"

As I was braiding my tail, I heard drip drip drip from my shower. This is normal. Then I heard more dripping, and more and more and finally the shower turned on full blast!

"Wowwweeee!" I cried! "I bet my ghost friend is back!"

(My ghost friend has not shown himself yet, so I do not know his name, but I know he loves to play with my hot water tap!)

I reached into the shower with my hoof and turned off the tap. I watched it carefully and saw it slowly slowly slowly turn itself back on again until the shower was gushing full blast.

"Hee hee hee!" I declared! "Oh ghost friend, I love your jokes and tricks! Mulder and Scully, or possibly those charming Winchester brothers, should investigate you!"

I reached in again to turn it off and just as I did it blasted even more strongly and the hot water ran all over my hoof giving me a most interesting scalding. I turned the tap shut very tightly and then ran my hoof under some cold water in the sink.

It is evenings like this one that truly make me feel alive. I am so glad to be a unicorn, a living, breathing creature that feels pain from hot water, and not a rock that has no feeling. I do truly believe that messieurs Simon and Garfunkel were incorrect in wishing to be a rock. Though maybe being an island would be fun--I personally would pick to be Greenland, because I enjoy the colour green.

Concert review: Royal Wood

Headliner: Royal Wood
Opener: Kaya Fraser
Venue: London Music Club, London
Date: June 27, 2008
Rating: ****

Tonight my good childhood friend, the faerie Sweetbrier MorningDew, and I, along with several of our other friends, went to see Royal Wood at the LMC!

I had seen him recently opening for Sarah Slean and was very impressed by his lovely transcendent piano and guitar playing and singing. However, I was a little disappointed at the time for his disregard for the environment, because he threw CD packaging plastic on the floor!

I am most gratified to report that this evening, he left the CD packaging on a chair when he was signing my CD. He was very courteous and I am sure that he meets few unicorns, so he likely knew it was me BUT he did not mention my disapproval last time, and just signed my CD with a flourish rather than embarrass me. Dear Mr. Wood: you are now A-OK in my book! Or well my blog since I do not keep a book of concert reviews.

Sweetbrier MorningDew was so impressed that she asked her fiance if she could marry Royal instead. He said he would prefer if she didn't, so Sweetbrier suggested that her fiance learn to play the piano. I hope he does! If he does I could have piano parties in the backyard and invite most of the neighbours!

(Most because I do not like all of the neighbours, I am ashamed to admit.)

Last Night - The end of the world!!

Tonight I was re-watching one of my most favourite cinematic pieces, the film by Don McKellar called Last Night. In this splendid film, various characters deal with the last night of the human race!!

Each character has to choose what he or she will do in the last six hours of the world. As a unicorn I do not frequently think about mortality, even though it is a great deal of fun, so I decided I would make an exception tonight.

What would I do if it were the end of the world?? This is such a good question!

My last song to listen to would be:

I was tempted by Tubthumping, by Chumbawumba, but then I realized the line "I get knocked down, but I get up again" would not be appropriate if I were going to die. So perhaps Pinball Wizard by The Who.

My last musical instrument to play would be:

The glass harmonica.

My last outfit to wear would be:

Nothing! Hee hee hee! I would be completely naked!!!

My last novel to read would be:

A bodice-ripper romance novel written by Stephen King the horror novelist. He has not written one yet but I feel he would be especially good at this genre change so I would ask him to write one for me seeing as it is the end of the world and I would appreciate it.

Other things I would do in the last six hours of the world:

• braid my mane with daisies and tiger lilies and perhaps add some lace (this does not count as an outfit so I would still be naked)
  
• drink Mountain Dew
• climb Mount Everest (perhaps while drinking Mountain Dew!!!)
• call all of my friends and tell them I love them, in particular my unrequited love Jessica
• count all of my teeth (to make sure I am not missing any. It would be embarrassing to die while missing teeth when this could be prevented)
• become apprenticed to a forensic investigation team and examine a few crime scenes
• take a shower and bath at the same time
  
• practice my Scottish accent so I could pretend to be a Scottish person dying like Macbeth in the Scottish Play by the famous playwright Shakespeare
• mix a jar of sugar with a jar of cinnamon and eat it (I do this most Tuesdays but I would do it on the last day of the world even if it were not Tuesday because this combination of foodstuffs is delicious)

Can you think of anything important I am missing? What would you do right before the end of the world?

A wonderful treat for humans in love

Although I of course have no need of this fine product and have not tried it myself, it could help humans make their fornication activities as magical as those of unicorns. Therefore, as a public service I provide a link to the advertisement for Clitter!

(Warning: adults only please! It is somewhat frustrating when angry parents write me about my references to orgies. I am sorry for trouble I may have caused you, truly, but your children could have learned those activities from the films Eyes Wide Shut or Caligula, and not necessarily from my blog!)

Late movie review: The Incredible Hulk

In all the confusion over my missing plant, I'm afraid I have been remiss in my reviewing duties!

I had hoped to practice my film review skills on this blog and review major motion pictures! However, last weekend I participated in a viewing of The Incredible Hulk and did not even think to make notes. I will do my best to remember the film for you.

Film: The Incredible Hulk

Viewing date/time: Saturday, June 14, 2008 / 7:10pm

Viewing location: Rainbow Galleria, London, Ontario, third row, left-hand aisle seat

Rating: ****

I enjoyed this film immensely! My favourite things about this incredible (hee hee!) film included:

1. Beautiful shots of Brazil
2. The Hulk smashing things! And people! And tanks! I think that if I were to pick anything for the Hulk to smash, tanks would be #1, so I appreciate the filmmakers' decision here
3. Edward Norton shirtless -- wowwweeee he is dreamy!!! I will admit to liking skinny human males such as Mister Norton on occasion! And by on occasion I mean "days ending in Y"! (If you think about that and say all the days in a row and count how many end in Y, you will have a pleasant surprise and understand what I mean here)
4. Liv Tyler's beautiful hair

And of course some of my favourite things involve SPOILERS (WARNING THERE ARE SPOILERS COMING, HIGHLIGHT THE TEXT AND YOU WILL SEE THEM):

1. There were two Hulks! I feel that because this is more than the one Hulk I was lead to believe there to be from the film's title, which was not plural, I clearly got my money's worth!

However, I was very displeased that we were not told what happened to Bruce Banner's dog at the beginning of the film. He was very lovely and last we saw, tranquilized. I do hope he was okay. For those of you who were equally dismayed, I have written an alternate ending to the film for you:

THE INCREDIBLE HULK ALTERNATE ENDING

FADE IN:

INT. BRUCE BANNER’S APARTMENT IN BRAZIL – DAY

Cluttered dingy apartment. THE DOG, a very cute black and white dog, lies on the floor, asleep from a tranquilizer dart. BRUCE BANNER, a quite handsome man, enters.

BRUCE BANNER

Here boy! Here boy!

THE DOG wakes up and looks happy.

BRUCE BANNER

I am so glad to see you boy! I was in the middle of my fight with the evil Hulk Emil Blonsky when I thought “What am I doing? My best friend is in danger!” so I ran at Hulk speed all the way down to Brazil to see if you were okay!

THE DOG

Fear not, I am feeling peachy.

BRUCE BANNER

I am so glad to hear that! Also you talk! And you speak English instead of Portuguese even though you are a dog from Brazil!

THE DOG

Indeed I do. Let’s fight crime!

BRUCE BANNER

Oh let’s. I enjoy that a great deal.

BLACK OUT.

A happy reunion!

Today I went outside in my backyard to smell the succulent air and consider the delights of the day, and I almost tripped over Countess GreenStalks PurpleFlower!! He has returned (or been returned) to me!

He was sitting just to the right of my back door, near the deck. I am fairly certain this is not where I left him, and that I had looked in this place several times...I wonder what adventure he has been on?

He does look a little worse for his travels, being approximately 90% dead (compared to the 80% dead he was when he disappeared last week).

However, I made sure not to mention this, and instead I made a fuss over his return and I sang him a little song in welcome ("Wanted Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi, so that he knew I was happy to see him either way!).

Since he cannot talk to tell me where he was, I have added a poll to see what you, my favourite blog readers, think he was up to.

Plant still missing

Today's entry will be a brief update. Alas, I have not yet found Countess GreenStalks PurpleFlower, but I do have a clue as to what may have happened to him.

Today I spoke with my neighbour, the human Tara. I asked her if she had seen any plants that looked lost and/or confused and I explained my situation. She stated most kindly that she would ask her husband if he had seen the Countess and potentially moved my plant.

I was very impressed with her kindness. Recently, I have been learning beginner Highland Dance so I offered her a private performance of my new Highland Dance skills as a thank you, but she declined. How very nice of humans to help me without even any reward! I will strive for such altruism in my own behaviour.

Concert review: Hey Rosetta!

Band: Hey Rosetta!
Venue: Salt Lounge, London
Date: June 13, 2008
Rating: ****

I am a huge fan of Hey Rosetta!, a most marvelous band from Newfoundland and so I was thrilled to find that they were playing in London again! I particularly appreciate that their band name includes an exclamation point, one of my favourite punctuation marks.

However I am afraid the evening was off to an inauspicious start during the opening band's performance when I believe I accidentally TRIPPED the Hey Rosetta! frontman, Tim Baker. In my defence I do believe I was merely standing there, leaning against a wall and consuming beverages, when he tripped over my hoof.

I was so embarrassed! I apologized most profusely but I do not think he heard me, for he looked around in a confused manner.

The band's performance, aside from that pre-show glitch, was wonderful as always. It amazes me how they fit so many instruments on the tiny Salt Lounge stage!

They began the show with New goodbye, my favourite song from the new album Into Your Lungs. They then played my other favourite song from the new album, I've been asleep for a long long time, and THEN they played another favourite song, and they even ended the show with Another pilot, my favourite song from their EP! I sung along during my favourite song, The simplest thing, and I do believe that when we got to the part "everybody's singing like beautiful birds" my voice sounded like a beautiful bird's voice, perhaps a nightingale or a blue whistling thrush.

This is the first time that I have successfully blinked a full setlist to a band using Morse Code with my eyelids (I do find this is easier than using telepathy sometimes). I was a little disappointed when they did not play my favourite song, Becky I keep singing this song, but that is my own fault because I forgot what a B is in Morse Code.

The only thing that marred the evening for me was the girls in miniskirts and too much hairspray fake lesbian dancing right at the front. They blocked my view of the keyboards! Fortunately when they found boys to hump them they left and did not return. While I fully support human mating rituals in general, I cannot condone them at rock concerts.

Also I do believe the sound guy was kidnapped at one point. I hope he was safely returned to his family.

Update: missing plant

As you may know from my previous post, my dear plant Countess GreenStalks PurpleFlower is missing! There is still no sign of him. A helpful reader kindly offered a most wonderful suggestion:

Sometimes people put up posters (often with a reward amount listed) when they lose a pet. Perhaps you could do the same for your plant.

I think this is a brilliant idea and I fortunately have photos of my plants from my last tea and scones party, so I have made up a professional-looking poster:

Updates: plants and deer

There is still no sign of my plant the Countess. I am beginning to worry. I hope that wherever he is, he is okay and not angry with me for losing him. I checked the backyard again today, even in the compost and the shed, and he was not there.

Also, it looks like in Italy, unicorns and deer are mating! Check out this article about a deer with a unicorn horn! I think this is splendid, and am very glad to see inter-species love is going strong and no longer being put down by the man.

I was thinking about what other kinds of inter-species love might produce interesting offspring, and it occurred to me that I would love to see a rock star mate with a butterfly. I feel like butterflies have a lot of untapped musical potential and could potentially be very, very good at electric guitars and power chords.

I want to believe!

Have you seen the X-Files movie trailers? I am sooo excited and I hope you are too!!!

I am super super happy that it looks like Mulder and Scully will kiss! Although I love our insect friends, I was MOST distressed when the bee stopped them in the first movie. Mulder has the most beautiful lips and they deserve to be seen in action on the big screen!

I am also very pleased to see Scully sporting a longer hair style. It is quite fetching!

However, I see no sign of werewolves as per the early rumours, so I am a little sad about that, and also about the PG-13 rating. Although I would never condone violence in real life I do enjoy it in my films from time-to-time (an interest I share with my good friend Raoul, the gay Supernatural dragon at TelevisionWithoutPity).

The mystery of the vanished plant

Yesterday I noticed my lovely purple flowered plant was looking a bit droopy. I decided to put him outside in the sunshine for the day. I left him right outside my door.

This evening I realized I forgot to take my plant inside last night! I went outside and he is GONE.

Or is he? Where did I put him? I checked around the back door, porch, and sidewalk area. Hmm. There is no plant there, as far as I can tell, though it is dark out. Normally I love the dark, for the majesty of the stars in a dark night sky is unparalleled, but tonight I found it to be most problematic!

I checked inside as well, in case I had brought him in and forgotten. I still haven't found him.

This is most strange! I am beginning to wonder if my plant existed in the first place, but I ran through the names of all my plants and counted them:

1. Herr Bamboo ThreeStalks
2. Herr Half-Dead Bamboo TwoStalks Healthy OneStalk
3. Lord Fern of Most Splendicity
4. Hortense
   
5. He Who Watches With Leaves By The Large Window In Silence
   
6. Señor Pumpkin Bucket
   

It does seem that Countess GreenStalks PurpleFlower is indeed missing. But where is he??

Brief Concert Review: R.E.M.

Main act: R.E.M.

Openers: The National, Modest Mouse

Venue: Molson Amphitheatre,
Toronto

Date: June 8, 2008

Rating: ****

(Gorgeous photo by TonEye ScarbonEye)

Well, I was going to write you all another detailed concert review but I feel that instead I must apologize to R.E.M. and the other bands for my distraction. I noticed that even the city paper The Toronto Star focused half of its review on the rainbow I brought as a gift for the band.

My apologies, and I hope you all enjoyed the rainbow! Sometimes when unicorns go to concerts we get a little excited by the music and start mucking with the weather.

A confession re: bugs

I love nature and all of its creatures, but I have to admit that sometimes I do not love it when they are in my house.

Today scuttling across my kitchen floor was the biggest millipede I have ever seen IN MY LIFE. I paused in my cooking to scream "Eeek eeek millipede!!!! MILLIPEDE ALERT!!!" and then closed my eyes figuring if I pretend it was not there, it would scuttle off into the darkness and we could both be at peace. Unfortunately, when I opened my eyes, it was still there, in the middle of my kitchen floor.

It did not move. My kitchen is small, so I continuously had to step around it. Ew ew eww ew!!! I thought to myself "What if that beautiful wondrous creature, who I love because I love all of nature, with so many legs and that big squishy body stays there all day and at night when I am dancing around in the dark, as I am wont to do, I step on it??"

Ew. I'm sure you can imagine that would not be a good option for either myself or the millipede!

So I decided to toss a bowl on top of the millipede and then slip a piece of paper underneath and run run run him outside and let him go free in the garden. A most excellent plan! Until it FAILED. I dropped the bowl right ON the millipede and half of him went SQUISH.

Now of course I felt horrible! He was still alive and squirming around and the only thing I could think of was to pick him up in a huge wad of paper towel and toss him in the toilet and flush it. (I have a toilet because I live in a house designed for humans.) I did this, but when I flushed the toilet, I did not see him.

Where did he go?? Did he get flushed and I just didn't notice? Or did he somehow jump out of my grasp and do I now have a very angry millipede in my apartment, scuttling around in the dark corners, waiting for nightfall to fulfill his revenge fantasies on me?

I can only hope that the millipede is as interested in the phenomenon of the INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY as I am and that in scouring the Internet for news, he comes across my blog and realizes how sorry I am.

DEAR MILLIPEDES SURFING THE SUPERHIGHWAY: I AM A FRIEND OF NATURE AND VERY SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE. PLEASE DO NOT CRAWL INTO MY BODY CAVITIES WHILE I AM SLEEPING. THANK YOU.

Most romantic songs of all time

Today I was thinking, "What are the top 5 romantic songs of all time?" so I compiled a list for you.

Black Sabbath - War Pigs

There is nothing more romantic than having someone go to war for you:

Generals gathered in their masses
Just like witches at black masses
Evil minds that plot destruction
Sorcerers of deaths construction

The Ancient Greeks knew this, with their romantic tale of the War of Troy over the beauty of Helen. Every teenage girl knows this and has to admit that even if she were a pacifist, a war over her beauty would be somewhat flattering.

Great Lake Swimmers - Various Stages

This is a beautiful song about having seen your lover in many different stages of her life and what it is like to be together through thick and thin and through highs and lows.

The video I have linked is a fanvid of someone's dog playing in the river while the song Various Stages is playing. I think this really captures the soul of the song and lends it a whole new sense of poignancy. Previously, I had not thought of this song in terms of inter-species love.

I have seen you in various stages of undress.
I have seen you through various states of madness.
I have seen your refractions and I did not recognize you.
I have seen you in various states of madness.

When the person in the video says to the dog, "Hey, don't eat that" (the dog is eating a stick) it is clear there is love between the human and the dog, and the human is helping the dog recover from his own "various states of madness" (the madness being stick-eating).

Liz Phair - Flower

At first, the lyrics to Liz Phair's gorgeous song Flower may seem a bit crude. I personally would not use many of her four letter words when writing a love poem. However, I do feel her song captures that feeling of first love, of overflowing with happiness during the "honeymoon stage" and the willingness to experiment sexually because you love someone. Case in point:

Everything you ever wanted
Everything you ever thought of is
Everything I'll do to you
I'll **** you and your girlfriend too

Here, even though she may not normally want to have sexual relations with her lover's girlfriend, she is willing to do this out of love.

Royal Wood - Juliet

This is a lovely song about a young couple growing into an older couple and how they deal with death.

And we can drift asleep in a lover's pose
But never close our eyes
No we will survive

I really appreciated that Mr. Wood agreed to take rapid ageing serum to appear as an older version of himself in this video. I feel that this shows a large commitment to music and to romance. If he asked me to participate in a sexual dalliance with him I would not say no.

The Police - Every Breath You Take

No list of romantic songs can be complete without this one!

Every move you make
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

I admit this song makes me swoon like a teenager at the prom every time I hear it.

Stick and poke tattoos

I was reading today about stick-and-poke tattoos, in which a friend can give you a tattoo with a sewing needle, some thread, and some ink.

I think this is a marvelous idea! I have often wished for a tattoo but unfortunately I do not fit in the chairs used at tattoo parlours. Now I realize that a friend can tattoo me, or, potentially, I could even tattoo myself.

I do have a question: I have always admired people with unicorn tattoos. Would it be strange for myself, as a unicorn, to get a unicorn tattoo?

I am thinking perhaps something like this, except with my own name below the drawing: