Friday, May 30, 2008
Today, a friend asked me about forensic investigation and how it works. "Is it really like on the television show CSI?" she asked.
In response, I have created this handy Venn diagram to show you what forensic investigation is all about. I hope you enjoy this "insider look" at this fascinating field!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Someone should invent waterproof cardboard. Until then, I will do the best I can and keep meticulous graphs of my study results.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Main act: Sarah Slean
Opener: Royal Wood
Venue: Danforth Music Hall, Toronto
Date: May 23, 2008
Rating: ***** (five stars!)
Miss Sarah Slean is one of my favourite musicians, so splendid is she with her singing and playing of the piano. She fills me with bittersweet joy, thinking if only Clara Schumann were still alive, the duets these two would make! I do feel that if the secret to human immortality were uncovered, the first thing we should do is give it to the pianists. Imagine a great concert of immortal pianists, ten thousand years from now...but I digress. I shall now review the opening act!
I had never heard the opener before but I was immediately taken with him. Firstly, his name: Royal Wood. So melodic! It has special meaning to me, as a unicorn, for I spent a lot of time in royal woods in my youth (oh my that sounds dirty but I meant in forests of a special royal nature, not inside the aforementioned musician in a sexual manner!).
Mr. Royal Wood sang and played piano and guitar and looked most dapper dressed very formally in a suit. I was so glad to see this, for many musicians these days dress like slobs (I blame Messieurs Keith Richards and Robert Zimmerman for this disturbing trend). He also sang harmonies with Miss Slean and oh, the beauty of their voices entwined in love for their art! I almost cannot type, I am so enthralled by the memory!
However, there was a disappointing aspect to my evening. During intermission, Mr. Wood was signing CDs, so I bought several. When I was having trouble removing the plastic from one (unicorn hooves can be a bit clumsy and I did not wish to use my magic in front of everyone, distracting from Mr. Wood's starring moment) he kindly offered to remove the plastic for me. After he did so, he DROPPED IT ON THE FLOOR.
I was shocked! I looked down, and I saw, all around his feet, discarded compact disc plastic packaging. As a firm crusader for the environment, I meant to shake my hoof at him and tell him not to litter, but I admit to being distracted by the beauty of his soulful musician's eyes.
While I still give the concert ***** (five stars) due to the musicianship, I unfortunately must deduct several stars for the littering and may thus only give Mr. Wood ** (two stars) personally. Each time I listen to his CDs (which are lovely) I will be sure to plant a tree in repentance.
Monday, May 26, 2008
This is a great first step in my dream to one day be the first unicorn on Mars! I am already packing for my mission, to show NASA that I am the most enthusiastic and prepared candidate for unicorn space travel.
Here is my list of packed items so far:
- freeze dried ice cream (with raspberries for nutrients)
- Mountain Dew (for energy)
- beach towel with air mattress (because the ground looks a bit uncomfortable)
- romance novels
- first aid kit
- battery-powered alarm clock
- flashlight to signal to Earth so people will know when I have arrived
- acoustic guitar for tunes (I will introduce outer space to the catchy and fantastic tunes of Jack Johnson and the beautiful melancholy-filled pieces of Clara Schumann)
- Indiana Jones-style whip in case there is DANGER
Thursday, May 22, 2008
This is a most difficult film to review, and even though I am a talented and experienced film reviewer with many years of practice in my paper diary, this is the first time I am writing a film review on the INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY for everyone to see so I am a little nervous!
I will begin with a few preliminary thoughts:
- There are no unicorns in this film! How disappointing. I really do feel that Mr. Lucas and Mr. Spielberg are neglecting wonderful character and story opportunities by ignoring our fine species.
- I wonder if Indy will be less afraid of Our Snake Friends now that one of them has saved his life? I hope so.
- Young Mr. Shia LaBeouf sure is dreamy!! Gosh, he can crack my whip any time!
- Oooowwweeeee! FIRE ANTS FIRE ANTS FIRE ANTS EW EW EW GROSS!!!
Some people at the cinema were very upset with this film. You may be, too. It all depends, I do indeed think, on whether or not you can accept SPACE ALIENS in an Indiana Jones film.
I personally am quite fond of space aliens as a film and literature subject so I was quite ok with this.
However, even if you are not predisposed to liking space aliens as I am, I do think they are a wonderful subject for this film.
You see, just as the first three Indiana Jones films were an homage to the adventure films and matinée serials of the "1930s" and "1940s", so this film is an homage to the Cold War-influenced films of the 1950s!
The aliens in Cold War films were meant to be symbols of COMMUNISTS whom are also known as RUSSIANS and whom we did not like during the Cold War (because we were at a cold war with them during the time period). Just as Cate Blanchett's most lovely Russian character is hoping to use mind control to sneak up on Americans and change the way they think to the Russian way, so were people afraid that aliens were secretly infiltrating society! Indeed in this movie, the aliens were a COLLECTIVE MIND which is awesome because you can totally be telepathic and talk to each other in secret but which is also similar to Communism where everyone thinks the same.
I think that we should be grateful to America and to Russia for having a Cold War and thus giving us new and interesting subjects for film!
I hope you enjoyed my analysis of this film!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Oh gosh I am so excited for the midnight showing of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!! I have spent the day cracking my whip and wearing my leather hat and pretending to be chased by a giant rolling rock!
Also I borrowed the neighbour's garage door opener and I put my hat on one side of the garage and then I rolled under just as the door was closing and managed to grab my hat in time, just like Indy! My left foreleg is a little sore from the door closing a bit sooner than I thought it would, but that is the price sometimes when you are a world-famous adventuring archaeologist!
WHY am I so excited, do you ask? Well the answer is obvious: it's INDY!
BUT THERE IS ANOTHER REASON.
The film is called Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Now tell me this: WHOSE bones sparkle like crystal?
In fact, all unicorns' bones sparkle like crystal! SO I am convinced (WARNING POTENTIAL SPOILERS) that the eponymous crystal skull IS IN FACT A UNICORN SKULL.
Yes indeed, this will be the first Indiana Jones film to feature (potentially) unicorns!!!
I am surprised it took four films to get to this point. Everyone knows we unicorns are excellent, excellent, excellent sidekicks to adventurers!
STAY TUNED FOR MY REVIEW LATER THIS EVENING OF INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
(Because werewolves can look like humans, they are often in disguise, and use "human" names to avoid being revealed by their real names. For example, my other werewolf friend Baron Snarls von MuchTeeth prefers to be called Simon.
This made me wonder what I would use for a human disguise name. I immediately thought of Felicity but was quickly informed by WaterfallSplash that Felicity is a girl's name! How embarrassing! But I digress and most profoundly apologize.)
What I had intended to discuss were fireworks! Oh what wonderful creations! They sparkle so gloriously in the darkened sky, and twinkle brilliantly against the void, reminding us all that life is truly a wondrous gift!
However, they are a smidge too loud.
In the past, I have used cotton balls in my ears to enjoy fireworks, however, sometimes they slip inside and then muck up my pancreas. I also tried wrapping duct tape around my head, but it removed two long strips of my fur in a most painful and unfashionable way.
But I have finally found the correct combination of headphones to block out the firework noise so I may enjoy the lights show in piece!
First I used the headphones seen on the left. I placed two pairs over my ears, one over my nostrils, one over my mouth, and the remaining pairs on other entryways to my body (please excuse me for not being specific in the name of modesty!). This kept any sound from coming in.
Then, I hummed a beautiful song as loudly as I could: Tubthumping by Chumbawumba. The mermaid, dinosaurs, and werewolf all harmonized with me and we had several humans nearby admiring our performance and asking for autographs!
Last night was the best Victoria Day I have had yet.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
You're probably (and very correctly and astutely!) wondering why I would want to watch a race. You are very right, since unicorns can run tirelessly and endlessly it is not very exciting that humans have to try so hard. Plus, the humans seem to be in pain and not really enjoying themselves. Watching the pain of others is truly troubling to me.
I decided to go because I thought it would be the perfect place to practice forensic investigation (my latest hobby). Marathons are places rife with tension and humans are constantly plotting how to kill or maim each other to steal the first place finish!
I kept my eyes peeled for "bear traps" (actually traps meant for humans) left on the running course, as well as large recently-dug pits covered with sticks (for camouflage). I also made sure no one drank poison (a harder task than you might imagine!).
My favourite form of forensic investigation is child forensic investigation but alas this was not to be today. Many parents run a 10k while pushing a stroller, and I often thought: O HO, WHAT IF THE STROLLER TIPS OVER? Runners can be cruel, so would the child be trampled and then his death investigated (by a passing forensic investigator perhaps who made sure to pack his fingerprinting kit just in case)? However, all of the strollers seemed very well built and none of them tipped over today.
All in all, today's race was disappointing. I did get a medal and a complimentary granola bar, however.
Friday, May 9, 2008
I do not know quite how I feel about alleged serial killers keeping blogs but I do have to admit that his writing is most moving and provocative!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
I think the gritty documentary feel of the show really adds to the realism and I am picking up tips for my own screenplay. Also, I highly highly recommend reading Jacob's recaps of the show!
After this week's episode I had to speculate. Serena killed someone!!! I find this so hard to imagine as she is quite beautiful and caring and her hair is glorious.
It is my personal opinion that Serena killed in SELF-DEFENSE. Here are reasons why she might have killed someone:
- he was a vampire
- he was a rapist
- but then why is Chuck still alive if Serena kills rapists? Or did she kill Chuck and replace him with a robot? Have we ever seen Chuck cry? Can robots cry?
- he was going to assassinate the President of the United States
- he was a corrupt cop
- he had rabies
- maybe the cop was corrupt because he had rabies and so it wasn't his fault? That would be splendidly tragic
- can you take bribes and plant evidence and do other corrupt things while you have rabies or do the rabies make you too confused?
- maybe Serena was actually going to save the cop, with that big needle they give people who have rabies, but instead she accidentally stabbed him in the EYE with it? That would be so disgusting!!
- maybe the cop was her FATHER?
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
I love the ATM, but it was not designed for unicorn hooves. It is VERY hard to push the buttons. And if I use my horn, the magic infects the machine and all these twenty dollar bills come pouring out even though I am just trying most politely to check my account balance! This was fun at first but I worry about what happens if I take all the money and then there isn't any left for the person after me? And what happens if she was on her way to save the world with the money, or if she was going to use it to fund a really awesome webcomic like Dinosaur Comics?
So I rely on the kindness of strangers to help me with the ATM. Often, people will help me simply because seeing a unicorn brightens their day. Other times, they ask me to swap favours. For example, sometimes they ask me for sexual intercourse.
Today a cute boy carrying a guitar was waiting in line after me. Since I am bisexual I noticed how blue his eyes were and decided he must have a sensitive songwriter soul (I love boys with sensitive souls almost as much as I love girls who smell like freedom).
In exchange for helping me with the ATM I assisted him in writing this song he could not finish. It was a real moment. I suggested he end the song on a D minor seventh chord and that he rhyme the line "you broke my heart" with the phrase "like a balloon popped by a dart."
All in all, today was a good day.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
She has a lovely blog called GAS STATION GOURMET in which she goes to gas stations while touring with her band (yes she is a ukulele star who also blogs!!! I am very impressed by this Da Vinci-esque mastery of several creative techniques!) and she eats the most interesting treats.
Her latest entry is the Little Debbie Iced Honey Bun and I was very excited by this because I have not seen an iced one before! I have eaten three of the glazed ones once at 2am after a night out and they gave me the most exciting dreams.
I am however gravely concerned about my friendly reader Holly's health, because of this post. She speaks of going to Tim Hortons, a doughnut shop, in her underwear. Is this normal behaviour for humans? I feel it is not, and so she may need a medical evaluation, however I could be wrong. I do not want to be accidentally prejudiced against humans.