Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Romney/Ryan stance on rape is anti-unicorn!!

O my, the Republican Party or "GOP" in the United States of America is getting up to all sorts of shenanigans these days!

In particular they are making many women angry in their statements that life begins at conception, abortion is evil*, and women can only get pregnant from "legitimate rape", as their bodies can magically** know when rape is real versus when the woman actually wants sex!

*Note: This unicorn personally is pro-abortion because the tiny baby-sized coat-hangers the abortion doctors use are The Cutest Things Ever!

**Note: Of course, this latter statement from Todd Akin is incredibly silly, as humans are not magic.  They do not even sparkle in the sunshine the way unicorns or Robert Pattinson do.

All of these things are terrible, of course, and I support Americans who oppose them, but I must say that this morning, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan have crossed a line.

While previously they may have lost the female vote, as of today they have lost the unicorn vote.

I am pretty certain that it is GOP Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney who declared that all women should rush out to purchase a pair of Unicorn Uggs (TM).

Unicorn Uggs are boots with a very sexy and classy horn on the toe of the boot.  I admit that they are very aesthetically pleasing.  Indeed, they may also prevent rape: when a woman wears these boots, if a man tries to rape her, she can kick him in the balls!

According to the GOP, if all women (or virginal women at least, since they are the ones who best attract unicorns) wear these boots, rape will be very simple to prove.  After all, legitimate rapists will be obvious -- they are the ones holding themselves in the crotch in pain as blood rushes everywhere!

This is an admirable goal, I admit.  I am very much in favour of rapists being covered in their own blood!  However, if these boots become fashion-forward, imagine how many unicorns will lose their horns and their lives to the project!

Rape is terrible, but is it worth the life of an immortal, magical being?  I say "NO."

And so I hope that you all will "Just Say No" (to borrow the phraseology of another Republican wife, Mrs. Nancy Davis Reagan) to unicorn boots.  While they may stop rapists, I hope that American women will realize that a gun or a knife will be just as effective, but more humane.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Cat writer!

O my, as I was web-surfing the handmade marketplace website Etsy for some new custom bow-ties, I discovered something amazing.  An exquisite piece of jewellery that lets the world know both your profession and your phylum:

Of course, I immediately knew I had to request a custom necklace for myself.  Mine would have little sculptures of unicorns made from Swarovski crystals.  The letters would come from a Dvorak keyboard etched in gold.

But what would it say?  There are so many possibilities.  Obviously, my phylum is UNICORN.  But my profession???

I have narrowed it down to the following options:
  • UNICORN PRINCE (of course! but I am concerned that advertising my Princely status may attract gold-diggers)
  • UNICORN BLOGGER (this is most excellent, but the non-tech-savvy may not know what a Blogger is)
  • UNICORN POET (and I know it!)
  • UNICORN LOTHARIO (could this be the winner??)
  • UNICORN GLASS HARMONICIST (while my chest is extremely broad and masculine, this may be too many letters to fit!)
Clearly, these necklaces are not designed for the true multi-faceted Renaissance Unicorn such as myself.  Perhaps the solution is to purchase several necklaces and swap them out for different occasions!

I could wear UNICORN EXOTIC DANCER to bachelorette parties and probably make extra tips.  I would make sure not to wear UNICORN CHEF to Weight Watchers meetings, as that might be leading others into temptation (not that I have any need to attend Weight Watchers meetings, of course -- my role at the meetings is to serve as Thinspiration).  I would definitely wear UNICORN SEX THERAPIST to the mall.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Exclusive: Debunking the Wooly Mammoth in Siberia

Oh my, the UK Sun is reporting the discovery of a wooly mammoth in Sibera.  Exciting news, as the creature is supposedly extinct!  The Sun article says:
The animal – thought to have mostly died out roughly 4,000 years ago – was apparently filmed wading through a river in the freezing wilds of Siberia.
The jaw-dropping footage was caught by a government-employed engineer last summer in the Chukotka Autonomous Okrug region of Siberia
However, upon closer examination of the photograph and video in the article, I can see that the creature is not a wooly mammoth at all.  Some have speculated that it might be a lost elephant or a bear with a fish in its mouth.

It is neither.  The figure is clearly my good friend Harold "Harry" the Sasquatch crawling through the river on all fours to play a joke on us.  Hee hee hee.

I bet those reporters will feel silly when they find out their mammoth is not a mammoth at all, but just a simple Canadian forest Bigfoot!!

Of course, they may also be extremely thrilled to have made a brush with celebrity.  Do you recognize the name Harry?  Someone very famous was named after my Bigfoot friend!

Hee hee hee, nope, not Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.  Good guess, though!  Actually, it is Prince Harry of Wales!!

Alas, I have no comments from Prince Harry or Bigfoot Harry to add to this post.  I tried calling Bigfoot Harry's cell phone before making this post but he is not responding -- likely he has given up technology for Lent again.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Why does Google not believe in unicorns??

Today I was reading Lifehacker, as all savvy internet bloggers such as myself are wanton to do!!  The article Search Google Images by drawing what you’re looking for shows us the web app GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH BY DRAWING.

You draw a simple picture, and then the app searches Google Images for similar drawings!  I knew immediately that I HAD to test it out.

And what better image to search with than with a self-portrait of a handsome unicorn?  I drew my image and began my search:


What is Google trying to say with these bizarre and shocking results?  Where are the unicorns?? Does Google not believe in unicorns???  Is Google systematically erasing all traces of unicorns from the Web?!?!?

Is Google attempting to exterminate the entire unicorn race, and with it remove all hope, joy, love, and magic from the universe?

I of course do not offer any slanderous opinions here, I merely ask the questions that others dare not ask.