Human Extinction

Listening to the song “Natural Disaster” by Joel Plaskett has me thinking deep thoughts today.

Unicorns are immortal, so we have seen a lot of emergencies and life-threatening situations over the millennia. Back before the days of cable and during the Dark Ages when we were banned from the theatre (which was not my fault so don’t let the ghosts of Messers Shakespeare and Marlowe tell you it was!), one of our favourite past-times was watching humans run around trying to handle emergencies. In the past, we started betting pools and pointed and laughed.

Example of a bracket from a betting pool (click to enlarge of course):

One unicorn in particular was quite invaluable in this game for his Microsoft Excel skills.  (Hint: Yours Truly!!!)

However, since then I have seen the error of my ways.  Why bet on humanity's death when we can use our knowledge, accumulated over millennia, to *help* humanity?

Imagine how much I will "clean up" (to use betting parlance) if I bet on the greatest long shot of them all...that humanity DOES NOT DIE????

And so I have decided to begin a new series of blog posts.  A Unicorn's Guide to the Survival of Humanity.  Each post will detail the various ways humans might survive a natural disaster, a pandemic, a war, and/or an outside invasion!!!

To humans reading this blog, please feel free to leave a comment: Is there a particular source of extinction that terrifies you?  Would you like more tips on which foods to pack during a tsunami, or how to best kill a robot?

MIT = Unicorn Poachers??

Eeek!  Unicorns in Massachusetts, be wary!  According to MIT News, researchers have "invented" a new drug that could cure any virus:

In a development that could transform how viral infections are treated, a team of researchers at MIT’s Lincoln Laboratory has designed a drug that can identify cells that have been infected by any type of virus, then kill those cells to terminate the infection.

It goes without saying that this new drug must be unicorn blood.  But from where (whom??) are they getting their blood?? 

I have not seen any advertisements for volunteers or paid participants in any of the underground unicorn 'zines, which means either they have a unicorn on their research team (very possible, we are extremely intelligent creatures) or they are taking unicorn blood by force!!!

Sci-fi Ponderings

Although I am not a "nerd" I do enjoy some science fiction television on occasion.  Star Trek: The Next Generation is one of my favourites, because it shows us Mister Roddenbury's ideal world full of peace, harmony, and cooperation!!  Also, Deanna Troi is quite attractive to look at.

However, I am always left with one lingering question:

When the various members of the Enterprise-D set up their favourite simulations on the Holodeck, they can bring to life beautiful landscapes and sunsets, attractive women, the Wild West, and even Stephen Hawking!!

So why are there no unicorns on the Holodeck?

I can only imagine that any human, when told "This place can create anything you desire" would automatically leap to the thought: "Finally, I shall ride a unicorn!!"  (We are extremely attractive creatures, you see.)

But yet there are no unicorns on the Holodeck.  A mystery for the ages!  (Also, when a male crew member has sexual intercourse with one of the Holodeck's fake women, where does all of the ejaculated semen go after the holograms vanish?  The Holodeck is clearly a mysterious place!!!)  

A new season of The Bachelorette (Spoilers!)

Wowwweeee am I excited about this season of The Bachelorette!!  Not only is there a bad boy (my heart is a pitter-patter for Bentley!) but there is also a mysterious man in a mask!!!!

I hope Bachelorette Ashley chooses both of them...because how could you even decide???  However, I do feel that our Caped Crusader Jeff has not fully embraced the potential of his mask.

First of all, the mask is so plain!  Why would he not design a mask that reflected the romance clearly innate to his soul?

Second of all, photographic evidence on the internet shows that he is a perfectly handsome man.  This will be such a disappointment when he finally reveals his face, unless there is some secret scarring he developed between the previous photos and the time of the show?  A disfigurement (preferably the sexy kind) would go a long way toward winning the sympathies of Ashley and the audience. 

Here is how I would, personally, redesign Jeff so that he would be guaranteed to win.


The Mask:  Original Version.  Sexy and mysterious, but so dark...it shows nothing of his personality!

The Mask: ShimmerShine's Version: Sexy and mysterious, and full of romantic elements.  How could Ashley resist???

Jeff's Actual Face: Original Version.  Very handsome but such a let-down when the audience has spent so much time imagining his scars!

Jeff's Actual Face: ShimmerShine's Version.  Here, Jeff has a serious disfigurement that will win the hearts of the audience and Ashley.  A man who has overcome adversity is the best kind of partner, for he is strong and caring!  If Jeff were lacking a human eye but instead had the eye of a parrot, this would make him even sexier! 

Eeeee, I am swooning over Parrot Jeff right now as I type this.  I would take him into the Fantasy Suite, if you know what I mean!!