Exclusive: Debunking the Wooly Mammoth in Siberia

Oh my, the UK Sun is reporting the discovery of a wooly mammoth in Sibera.  Exciting news, as the creature is supposedly extinct!  The Sun article says:

The animal – thought to have mostly died out roughly 4,000 years ago – was apparently filmed wading through a river in the freezing wilds of Siberia.

The jaw-dropping footage was caught by a government-employed engineer last summer in the Chukotka Autonomous Okrug region of Siberia

However, upon closer examination of the photograph and video in the article, I can see that the creature is not a wooly mammoth at all.  Some have speculated that it might be a lost elephant or a bear with a fish in its mouth.

It is neither.  The figure is clearly my good friend Harold "Harry" the Sasquatch crawling through the river on all fours to play a joke on us.  Hee hee hee.

I bet those reporters will feel silly when they find out their mammoth is not a mammoth at all, but just a simple Canadian forest Bigfoot!!

Of course, they may also be extremely thrilled to have made a brush with celebrity.  Do you recognize the name Harry?  Someone very famous was named after my Bigfoot friend!

Hee hee hee, nope, not Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.  Good guess, though!  Actually, it is Prince Harry of Wales!!

Alas, I have no comments from Prince Harry or Bigfoot Harry to add to this post.  I tried calling Bigfoot Harry's cell phone before making this post but he is not responding -- likely he has given up technology for Lent again.

Why does Google not believe in unicorns??

Today I was reading Lifehacker, as all savvy internet bloggers such as myself are wanton to do!!  The article Search Google Images by drawing what you’re looking for shows us the web app GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH BY DRAWING.

You draw a simple picture, and then the app searches Google Images for similar drawings!  I knew immediately that I HAD to test it out.

And what better image to search with than with a self-portrait of a handsome unicorn?  I drew my image and began my search:

What is Google trying to say with these bizarre and shocking results?  Where are the unicorns?? Does Google not believe in unicorns???  Is Google systematically erasing all traces of unicorns from the Web?!?!?

Is Google attempting to exterminate the entire unicorn race, and with it remove all hope, joy, love, and magic from the universe?

I of course do not offer any slanderous opinions here, I merely ask the questions that others dare not ask.

Human Extinction

Listening to the song “Natural Disaster” by Joel Plaskett has me thinking deep thoughts today.

Unicorns are immortal, so we have seen a lot of emergencies and life-threatening situations over the millennia. Back before the days of cable and during the Dark Ages when we were banned from the theatre (which was not my fault so don’t let the ghosts of Messers Shakespeare and Marlowe tell you it was!), one of our favourite past-times was watching humans run around trying to handle emergencies. In the past, we started betting pools and pointed and laughed.

Example of a bracket from a betting pool (click to enlarge of course):

One unicorn in particular was quite invaluable in this game for his Microsoft Excel skills.  (Hint: Yours Truly!!!)

However, since then I have seen the error of my ways.  Why bet on humanity's death when we can use our knowledge, accumulated over millennia, to *help* humanity?

Imagine how much I will "clean up" (to use betting parlance) if I bet on the greatest long shot of them all...that humanity DOES NOT DIE????

And so I have decided to begin a new series of blog posts.  A Unicorn's Guide to the Survival of Humanity.  Each post will detail the various ways humans might survive a natural disaster, a pandemic, a war, and/or an outside invasion!!!

To humans reading this blog, please feel free to leave a comment: Is there a particular source of extinction that terrifies you?  Would you like more tips on which foods to pack during a tsunami, or how to best kill a robot?

MIT = Unicorn Poachers??

Eeek!  Unicorns in Massachusetts, be wary!  According to MIT News, researchers have "invented" a new drug that could cure any virus:

In a development that could transform how viral infections are treated, a team of researchers at MIT’s Lincoln Laboratory has designed a drug that can identify cells that have been infected by any type of virus, then kill those cells to terminate the infection.

It goes without saying that this new drug must be unicorn blood.  But from where (whom??) are they getting their blood?? 

I have not seen any advertisements for volunteers or paid participants in any of the underground unicorn 'zines, which means either they have a unicorn on their research team (very possible, we are extremely intelligent creatures) or they are taking unicorn blood by force!!!